I like this lists thing

Its like having an agenda and i like that. Here is mine:

1. Vision Board/Goals
2.TRIP TALK
3. Shabbat weekend
4. Work
5. Things I need to comment on
6. Your sister

So Im really into this goals thing because Ive been hearing from a lot of diff sources recently that when you write down and visualize your goals you are that much more likely to achieve them. So I figure this will kind of be a way for me to incept myself into achieving the things I want to achieve. I had actually contemplated doing this a year ago but my goals then were a lot less concrete and maybe I was just more confused with life in general..its hard to say. Either way Im really excited about this now and am generally excited for this new year to start. If you are seriously thinking about the bucket list thing though I have to send you this list of bucket list websites which is great. Maybe I should use one of those to have a virtual vision board...but Im still going to make an actual one so Im forced to see it.

This is what Im going to have on it as of now:
1. Go to Peru
2. Run a 10K
3. Live in the present/enjoy the current moment
4. Volunteer/give back/ pay it forward
5. Write more (possibly everyday)
6. Find a new job

Also if we go to Peru then you can learn Spanish because we will def need to use it there. Also the program I was looking at it you volunteer in the morning and then have the afternoon to yourself and can take optional spanish lessons (which is included in the program). So this is a nice segue onto my next point

TRIP TALK (play theme song): So I know you asked a lot of questions which is why I suggested the skype session because I feel it will be best for me to answer them through that then answer them here and then have you have even more questions, etc. Before we skype though I will send you the link to the program which goes over the cost, details, etc. and also the reviews of the program on an external site. I did a good amount of research on this during the summer so I really just have to dig that up so I can send to you. The program I saw was in Cusco which is nice because a lot of the Peru itineraries suggest spending the most time there anyways and you do get free time even on the days you volunteer to look around.

I get your stress about the Germany/Austria/ 2 weeks things but I do want to say that for this trip our biggest cost by far will be the flight since things in Peru are fairly inexpensive especially compared to Europe. So for me it kind of just makes sense to extend my stay since Im paying so much for a flight anyways (totally cool if you dont feel the same). Again Im flexible so say you only want to do a week we could work it out so we sightsee together for a week and then I can volunteer for the remaining week. We can talk more about the possibilites on skype.

Shabbat weekend: So a new dilemma. Since my parents like to make plans for me and then tell me at the last minute it seems there is a chance I may be going to Maryland the second weekend in January since that is the first weekend my sister is back from her trip. We havent talked to her so we dont know for sure if she is free/wants us to come. Sigh.  So this is me saying if there are other plans you were thinking of making, please make them but if not I will let you know once I know for sure. This is very annoying for me because I planned this with you so far in advance and was really looking forward to it but theres really nothing for me to say when my mom goes "But don't you want to see your sister..its been a month!" In any case if you are working next week and can get dinner at any point please let me know because its been far too long since ive seen you. Im free every day except for thursday.

Work: Im so happy to hear your new job is going well. I like to think that whatever my next job is I will be happy simply because Im so miserable here so it seems like the same held true for you too. Its definitely great that you have more stable hours and I really think its so cool you get to learn about a whole new subject area! I have a couple of friends who work in fashion ( I realize this is vague and its probably a big field and all) but if you really are looking for some perspective or anything really let me know and Id be happy to connect.  I definitely get what youre saying about the stopping worrying about what youre missing and just lean into the present thing. I often wonder about that. I think overall its best to trust your instincts and go with your gut. But just like that article you sent me (Im pretty sure you sent it to me -- about the girl who couch surfed and wondered whether she was doing the wrong thing looking at her friends with stable jobs?) Im pretty sure regardless of what we are doing its natural at this stage in our lives to have doubts and just well not know what is right. Its like you always have this fear that youre just wasting away and not getting anything right but ultimately maybe we would feel the same way regardless of what we were doing.

Its nice you get to spend time with your sister and niece but I definitely get what youre saying about not wanting to play Suzy homemaker and how its frustrating that your dad isnt helping out. Yes no one asks to be sick but you seem to be assuming this role pretty often and I get that thats not always fun (or fun at any point in time). Are they feeling better now?

So I know I said I wanted to address the moving out discussion but I think that would also be something better done in person or via Skype just because I think thats more of a conversation.
Hopefully talk to you on Wednesday!

I need to start making lists again

There's a bunch of stuff I need to cover here, so I'm going to make myself a list so that I don't get distracted and remember to hit it all.

1. Vision Boards
2. Work
3. Family
4. TRIP TALK
5. Things you need to comment on
6. Your sister!
7. Whatever else comes to mind

It's crazy that you brought up making a list of goals for the new year, since that is one of the things I forgot to put in my last post. It's crazier still that something I said actually made you think of it, since in my mind I didn't even go near it! FATE! I've been thinking I need a Bucket List lately, but I like your idea too. I want them to be things I'm actively working on, but calling them New Year's Resolutions is a little high pressure. Here's what I've got so far (that I can remember offhand)
1. Learn a new language well enough to really speak it--- AND actually speak it somewhere
2. Live abroad
3. Learn to drive stick
4. Start a blog (or decide I really don't want to)- I know this sounds like an 'out' in the name of laziness, but it's more of an 'out' in the name of figuring out I really don't want something.
5. Learn how to properly use my camera
Here's what I'm adding now:
6. Move out.
7. Write more
8. Let go of anger, focus on the positive
9. Try new things (on a regular basis)
10. Read two books a month (Ambitious!)
11. Start my scrapbook

Maybe if you stay until after Shabbat when you come we can do an art project! (By the way in terms of your transport dilemma- I know it's a pain in the ass to go by train. But if you stay until after Shabbos, then I can drive you back to the subway at least if that makes things easier. It ends around 5:20 these days. So if that helps...)

Moving on, work is going pretty well. Don't get me wrong, I'm realllly happy being on vacation, but it's markedly better than my last job, so I'm really keeping that in mind and basking in the non-housewives-yness of it. I have to start coming in a half hour earlier when I go back because my boss finally figured out just how early I need to leave on Fridays. I mean, I was upfront about it, but I guess it took him a minute to register it. The problem is that there wasn't really that much work to do, so I don't mind putting in the extra time if I need to (even if it means waking up super early) but now it's just this symbolic half hour when I have the same amount of work to do. But there are definitely bigger problems. Plus, we'll probably be busier after the break since hopefully a bunch of submissions will have come in and we'll be scheduling more people. At least that's the theory. I'm not so sure it'll be the reality. The other problem I've been having is that - and you're gonna be shocked by this one- I don't know anything about fashion. I'm used to doing my fair share of learning about a new world when I take on a new casting project, but I'm really starting at zero with this one. I'm getting better, but I feel a little useless when I have to keep asking my producer if something is legitimate experience or resume nonsense. I think this is just a bit of a microcosm of how stupid you generally feel when starting a new job, which means that freelancing basically sucks in that sense, but I'm focusing on the getting better part of it. And how I organized the whole casting process and streamlined it for the east and west coast teams. That part is nice. Also a competition series is familiar territory, it's closer to the train than the last one, and I get out around 6:30 every night, which is great. I also had this really refreshing conversation with my boss, the head of the casting company that I now work for, about how disgusting people in this business can be and how he will say no to clients if what they're looking for as "good tv" is just people being terrible and breaking up families and all that "drama" stuff. It was really nice to hear. There's also been a tiny voice in my head saying maybe if I just lean into this career and stop worrying about what I'm missing and what timeline I have to be on to start over, maybe I can make a go of it. It's a tiny, tiny voice.

Hannahbear is adorable. Poor thing has a rash from an allergic reaction to amoxicillin. Her new thing is that she likes to reminisce about things. Like she was looking at pictures on Sabrina's phone and saw one of her and a friend and said "Remember when Rora and me went to ice cream?" It's really funny for a two and a half year old, especially since she get's times messed up a bit. Like I took her to get Mischief's medicine from the Vet so she could see the bunnies there and she said to mischief yesterday "Mischief, remember when I went to your doctor next week?" My mom was sick yesterday and today and my sister was also not feeling well today, so I'm a little annoyed about playing nurse/housekeeper/babysitter. Especially since my father does nothing. And doesn't even seem to realize it. Or acknowledge that if it's anyone's job, it's probably his. Plus, I feel like this was my life the last time I saw them! And I know it sucks more to be the one that's sick. And being sick sucks. And no one ASKED to be sick. But here I am playing Suzy Homemaker on my vacation. And not leaving the house. Just a little bit of a vent.

AND NOW!!!
NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA TRIP TALK!

Volunteering, traditionally, is not my thing. But that's a really stupid thing to say, because it's basically like saying that being a good person is not really my thing. So I retract it. I'm definitely no against it, but I would like to learn more about it before agreeing to it. Like what kind of volunteering is this? Is it with kids? Where would this be? Near Cusco or, like, Lima or something? It would be cool to see Lima, but it's pretty far away from Cusco. What's the money situation? They really provide everything and you just do transport? Is it safe? I don't know why this question needs to be asked, but I thought it so I wrote it. Also how would it all work with Shabbos? The more I think about it, the more I really like this idea since it's a really unique experience and it's more of a way to get to see the people and the culture. I definitely prefer the earlier option dates-wise, so we're on the same page there, Purim or no. Maybe I can bring a Megillah with me (traditional reading that we read on Purim) and read it. Or you know, just dress up for the day :)
Here's what I will say before I get too ahead of myself. The two weeks thing is stressing me out. I think it's because if I do this Germany/Austria thing they'll be really close together and that's a lot of money spent/time I'm not working. Then another part of me is like "these are both great opportunities, so shut up sensible/scared Jenna" So yeah, your thoughts on that would be welcome.
One more thing to think about/plan around is the altitude. I've read that the altitude can make you sick in that area, and I honestly don't remember the advice I read for where to go first to adjust to it before going to the other place, but I thought I'd throw it out there.
Also Number 4 : http://www.buzzfeed.com/melissaharrison/most-beautiful-travel-destinations-of-2014?utm_term=.wivao9zgZr&sub=3527207_4443671

Things you need to comment on- This is a brief one. Mainly I think it's the Germany trip and the fact that you said you wanted to address the moving out discussion.

So exciting that it's a girl! And so funny that you guys were thinking boy. I'm so excited that I get to know! And that you get to tell people! I have to be honest, keeping it a secret was a nightmare. Always afraid that I would be the one to slip and spoil it. I'm so jealous of them and New Zealand. Perhaps if we go there, those fjords can be ours too.

I really liked your paraphrasing of the Christmas article. I have to say I've never really thought about any of it that way, but it's kind of extremely true isn't it. And I love your comment about not telling that person it's lame that she doesn't celebrate Diwali. SO TRUE. But then again from the other side, the people that honestly belief in the religious nature of the holiday don't believe in any of this celebration stuff either so it's all very confusing. In the end, it's the merchandisers who win every time. Have a great New Year's if I don't talk to you before! I haven't figured out my plan yet honestly, but yours sounds lovely, so enjoy that!

Satisfaction!

That was such a satisfying post. Maybe because I could feel it coming, maybe because it was long and interesting..not really sure why but after reading that I just felt like I could get out of bed and start my day (which I am clearly doing by posting in here first).

So I will get to other parts of your post later because I really did enjoy all of it and have something to say about all of it but first I wanted to talk about PERU. So yea I dont really know why I do this but instead of just coming out and asking questions like Do you have any interest to go to Peru with me, I make vague statements to try and incept you into thinking you want to go to Peru with me. In a way it kind of worked. But in any case yes ofcourse I would LOVE if you would come to Peru with me especially because I did not plan/even talk about this with anyone else. I was actually contemplating doing a solo trip to Peru but this has been terrifying me mainly because Ive never been to South America and dont know the language so it would be a lot all at once. But anyways back to the point, lets see if I can break this down:

1. Dates -- originally I wanted to go in January but now thats out of the question since thats like next week. So looking at your work dates it seems like it would make sense to do end of Feb/beginning of march. One of my sister's baby showers (she needs 2 because 1 is religious and 1 is social) is Feb 22nd so I need to be here for that so we can either leave on the monday after (but that seems eh to me since why waste a weekend) or do the next sunday which is March 1st (I realize this conflicts with Purim so I will give you another option as well but just wanted to let you know that this is my most favorable one because my sisters second baby shower is March 22 and I need to be back by that Friday which I guess we would be anyways cuz of Shabbos but I expect that experience to be tiring so would rather not get into it right after a trip but if thats the best best option then I could be persuaded to consider it. So in summary, the dates I would prefer are from March 1- 13.  This brings me to my next point which is...
2. Length of trip: I suggested 2 weeks before but really for Peru we only need about a week . My initial plan with Peru was to go a volunteer there for a week (there are a few options to choose from I was going to do teaching english at a school or volunteering at an orphanage) and then sightsee for the other week. With volunteering its a program you sign up for and they provide room and board and you volunteer (I can try to find the link if you are interested but no pressure). So if you are interested we could work that out OR we can do something where we sightsee for a week then I could stay back and volunteer for the second week. So yes no pressure with this at all but I did want to let you know this was my original thinking with Peru but really at this point I feel like as far as this trip is considered I just really want it to HAPPEN just because Ive been talking about it for so long and well its about time.

So let me know what you think about all of that and then we can see if we should bring back the TRIP TALK section of Bowl ( I vote yes). Either way I need to have this trip be in the first quarter of 2015. Why you ask? I dont really know but I just know that I do.

Its funny just last night I was thinking to myself that I should make a vision board for 2015 since Im always talking about these things I want to do but I dont and I let life get in the way and before I know it the right window of time has passed and I still havent done it. So to stop that from happening and to constantly remind myself of these things I wanted to have a visual representation. The things I have to include on it so far are: Peru, to write more, to volunteer more, to run a 10K, tell my parents about Sid, and to be more kind (pay it forward). Its just interesting (and awesome) that you would write about Peru so soon after I even thought to have this board...its like its already working!

I realize I may getting way too excited and ahead of myself so if I am freaking you out please tell me to stop and I will, promise.

Your whole story about getting Chinese food on Christmas was pretty funny I must say. Especially since this year more than ever I was thinking about the presence of Christmas in American society...like its SO much. I mean yea people say its the holiday season and all but really what they mean is Christmas. Whats weird is that this never really occurred to me before because I always liked how festive everything was and just kind of went with it. But I recently read this article (which I wont share because honestly it wasnt written very well at all but it did make me think so I will give it some credit) listing all the things people who did celebrate Christmas took for granted, like how they will never be criticized for publicly observing their holiday, or how their religious holidays are almost always company holidays or how its kind of the expected thing that most people would join in on celebrating their holiday because it pretty much defines society for a month. Normally I wouldnt even think about these things and for a long time my family celebrated Christmas too because hey its a chance to put up a pretty tree and give each other gifts so who doesnt like that? And to be honest I probably will continue to celebrate it in some form or another in the future as well because after all its just another excuse to celebrate and make merry and those things are just fun.  But I guess this was really the first time I even considered those things that are taken for granted by such a large chunk of society. Like this one girl at work was asking me what I was going to do for Christmas and I told her my family doesnt really celebrate anymore and she was like..oh well thats lame. Im sorry do I call you lame for not celebrating Diwali? I feel like Im sounding a bit self-righteous here which is not my intention its just more like seeing a different perspective you know?

My sister is doing well thank you for asking. She can't really feel many movements yet but she said she started to feel like there was something there..which is good I suppose.She's having a girl! It was all kind of a shock to us because for some reason people kept telling her shes going to have a boy so we all kind of just started to believe it. And then when they found out it was a girl we were like..well this is new. Not that Im still not incredibly excited. Its funny I totally understand your sentiments about Hannahbear even before my niece is born because I already find myself thinking things like...I really I hope I get to see the baby ever month.So yes it is very nice that you get to see them as often as you do especially since you get to have them for such a long chunk of time. Even when my sister leaves after a weekend the house tends to feel empty so I can only imagine how that must feel with Hannah leaving as well.

Also side note my sister and brother in law are in New Zealand right now and it looks amazing so it would be really great to win that trip.  Not sure if I already told you but my brother in law's sister lives in Australia with her husband/2 kids so they are vacationing with them. Apparently there are fjords in NZ too...Im still partial to the ones in Norway since in my mind those belong to us but this looks cool too:

It was really nice hearing about your Great Aunt I would love to see that picture because in my mind I just pictured the Great Gatsby and Im sure there are some differences between that and real life. My cousin is in town so we were going through our old photo albums recently too, always a fun thing to do. 

I am still planning on coming in Jan! I have the weekend booked as well. Im contemplating between driving and coming from the city. While driving would probably take less time it would require me coming home first and then driving so not quite sure what to do there. Thoughts? 

Since this post is very long already I think I will wait to address the moving out discussion. For now I will say though on my part..it does indeed get easier with time (go figure) and I find the more time I spend in my apt at the city the more time I want to spend there so thats great as well. It still stresses me out to think what I will do come July when I have to move but I will handle that then and for now focus on the present (that should go on my vision board as well now that I think about it). 

An (almost) happy new year to you! Which makes me realize I never told you I wont be able to join you for New Years (even though it does sound really cool and when I told Sid about it he was like I'll go in your place). Sid has been off work for almost 3 weeks now so I havent seen him in a while so we are just going to use that night to catch up and have a NYE on the Upper West. Its crazy that I normally always want plans for NYE and never have them and the one year I am asked by 4 diff people I dont want to leave my apt. Isnt that always how it goes though? Yea I dont know either. In any case hopefully I hear from you soon! Enjoy your time with your sister and Hannahbear!

Failure is only defeat if you stop trying

That's from a fortune cookie. We had Chinese food tonight. Merry Christmas. It's funny because we never really used to do the whole Jews eating Chinese food on Christmas thing but lately it's become a thing because Sabrina comes into town and she loves Chinese food. We went to pickup our order at 6:15 and they were so busy that they weren't taking any more orders or reservations for the night. Jews and Chinese food on Christmas: It's a real thing.

So Sabrina and Hannahbear came in last night, which is always exciting. It's strange, I thought they were coming in for a week, but once I actually started to count the days it turned into more like 5. This probably seems like a lot for you since you often see you sister over weekends (How's she feeling by the way? And did you find out the sex?), but for me it's comparatively short. We usually get them for a week at least, often closer to two. I have to say that as much as it would be nice to be around all the time for the little things, like babysitting once in a while or going out with my sister and hannah for lunch if we lived in the same city, I never seem to lose sight of how lucky we are that we get to see them as often as we do. I'm just now realizing this and I have to say, it feels like a bit of a life accomplishment. To have something good that you don't take for granted. Even though my mom is constantly lamenting about how it's not enough (lament was the PERFECT word right there. Feels so good when you find the right word) and it's pretty much impossible to convince her otherwise. I can't help but always think I'm so lucky to have these close times. If we lived in the same city, we wouldn't ever stay in the same house. I wouldn't get to see what she's like at bedtime, or when she wakes up. I wouldn't get to see what it looks like when you have to fill the fridge with all her snacks or learn her favorite shows in the same way. It's different obviously, having the small bursts instead of the consistency, but it would be hard to say which is better or worse. So why bother ranking them. We're lucky to have what we do.

Now for some photos.

Hannahbear got a doctor kit for Chanukah. Technically, it wasn't still Chanukah, but my mom had kept a present here for her rather than shipping all 8! She loved it and told Mischief she needed a checkup.  

This was Mischief's response for the rest of the time until Hannah went to bed and she felt she could come out of hiding. Poor cat. 

This is Hannah's angry face when we tried to get her to go to sleep. It was after 11pm but she was so excited to see all of the toys she hadn't seen in a couple of months. she actually made a "grrr" sound. I kind of can't believe I caught it. 

Today we went to Jersey to visit with my family- my father's aunt and cousins. My Great Aunt was recently diagnosed with breast cancer and she had a mini-stroke, whatever that means. She had a couple of falls these last few months too, so it's not looking too great on that front. She still seems pretty good though. A little quieter than maybe we're used to seeing her, but still, it was nice to see that she is still with it. I wouldn't say we're super close. You've probably never heard me mention her before, but I am quite fond of her. She is the last remaining sibling of my grandmother. There were four of them. Often, when we go over there we end up looking at really old photos and she tells us who is in them if she can see or remember well enough. She's a very practical lady, doesn't really have her head in the clouds about things, which I like. But in some ways it feels like she is the keeper of memories that are going to be lost if I don't try to remember them all right now. Which I know, isn't really possible. Today, there was this photo of the four sibling. Actually it was a page with four individuals photos on it. One of each of them. My grandmother looking truly old school 20s/30s glam. Pleasantville style. Lily, my great aunt, had these amazing cat-eye glasses, with a sort of booking look to her. The men were men, so basically just suits in a black and white photo, but man is it fun to look at that stuff.

When I was little, before we moved to our current house, we used to live across the street from Aunt Lily in Queens. We'd go over on a pretty frequent basis and she would always have cookies for me and Sabrina. She always had wafer cookies for me in particular since those were my favorites. I remember it really clearly too. She had one of those spinning scrabble boards that you can turn to face you when it's your turn. Often on Sundays or holidays we would all get together over there. The whole family. My dad's brother, Lily's two kids and their families... the gang. The men would sit around and play cards and I remember these occasions as lovely, sepia-toned moments where there was a lot of laughter and love. It's really strange for me to remember this because we all rarely see each other now. It's hard for me to really say what happened although my guess is a slight increase in distance and laziness. Who knows though. Perhaps there was stuff underlying all along that I could really see.

I try to have messages at the ends of such lengthy stories here for you. Like a sum-up, but I have to say that I don't really have one here. I just wanted to remember it out loud for you. Thanks for listening.

I definitely agree that it would have been easier to move out closer to the end of college. Or straight out of college. When freedom was fresher in my mind and money was less of a real entity. But here I am, closing in on three years later (WOW). I know it's something I need to do. I had a serious heart to heart with my friend Allison on Saturday night when we were hanging out after our neighborhood Chanukah party (how cute is that??) She gave me some tough love, which I need. She told me everything I was saying basically was an excuse, which it is, valid or not. And as always, she emphasized how these decisions are not PERMANENT. I don't quite know why this is a hard concept for me to wrap my head around. I think it's because my parents will often stay in situations where they are unhappy even though there are alternatives. Like my mom's job with the crazy commute. She doesn't like the job, her friends are retired, and she spends hours in the car every day? Add the new principal from last year? WHY do this for 20something years? but that's just an example. And I think growing up with this as the only model probably makes it hard for me to understand that if you choose something and it doesn't work out, you can choose something else. I know we've talked about this. I just need to keep telling myself over and over. So I booked a weekend in Park Slope by a friend who can show me the community. Are you still planning to come the second weekend in January? I have it booked for you!

How are the vitamins going? I have gained a bit of experience in these things recently and I can say that there are some lemon-flavored omegas that really don't taste fishy at all. The once I use now (Nordic Naturals) don't have any after taste at all, but they aren't vegan. They also have powders that you can stir in to drinks. Also, have you read the Wait But Why about the 10 types of friends? It's a really good one as always, so if you get a couple hours you should read it (WHY ARE THEY SO LONG???) OH, and yeah I definitely remember your magic scandinavian sleeping habits. I tell people about it sometimes since it amazing me so.

I saw Eric Kaplan (do you remember him from college?) at Amanda's party last week and he was telling me about this trip for Jews to Germany. It's like 800$ish for a whole ten day trip, all inclusive. There are a couple of different ones I'm deciding between. One is more religious and requires me to keep kosher, but might be a crowd I might be more able to relate to or on the other hand might be too religious. For the most part it seems like both trip focus on Berlin, but they visit other cities. The less religious one is in early May and goes to Hamburg and Bremen. The more religious one is in late may/early June and visits Munich and Leipzig. I'll have to look into the cities more and ask anyone if they want to apply with me (You have to apply. There are essays involved), but ultimately I think it's probably going to come down to the one with the later deadline. I wish you could come. I'm pretty sure it's only open to Jews though. I was also thinking I might extend the trip and spend some solo travel time in Austria if I feel up to it. I've been feeling lately that if there's anywhere for me to have solo travel experience it's there since it's a personal place for me and I'd want to go, like, to the house where my grandfather lived and stuff like that. But also I keep seeing the most amazing pictures on blogs from Austria and I just think it would be awesome. I'm not married to the solo travel thing.

None of this rules out Peru in my mind. I'm just going to put it on the table that I'm open to that. I KNOW this is reading into it and ridiculous, but you do keep saying "my trip to Peru" which is FINE, I just wanted to SAY that I'm in if you want me and the dates work and I'm totally cool if you have another travel buddy. Seriously, either way, but I just thought I'd put it out in the open so that IF awkwardness was lurking, it need not do so now. If that makes sense.

IF you DO want me, here's my deal:
I'm most likely employed until Mid-February. The 13th, I think? Pending the show actually getting picked up for a new season, which to my knowledge, it has not yet. So I could end work earlier. 'Tis possible. I might be able to get more details if that is necessary. That weekend is President's weekend which is PROBABLY though not definitely when we are having some kind of 90th birthday celebration for my grandfather. Details frustratingly still to be decided, though my sister has really been pushing for answers so that she can book her frickin' plane ticket. Purim is the night of March 4th/day of March 5th. It's not something I NEED to be around for, but while we're mentioning dates, what the hell, right? Plus I know how you love Purim.

There were a bunch of things that have come to me in the last week or so. Sentences that should be in here now, but are long forgotten. If i remember them, I'll try to write them down for next time. Until then, I think this is long enough. A merry Christmas to you!

Well maybe if youre lucky there will be leftovers for you

So Im finally spending a full weekend in the city. I think I really need to get over the feeling that I have to be on while Im here and I can relax when I get home (I mean its tough since being home is so relaxing).

You never have to feel pressured to respond to every single thing I say in a post. I think a lot of the time (for me anyways) writing in here feels like a release on its own so even if you dont respond to it I still feel better for having said it. Kind of like you know someone is there to listen to you. And listening doesnt always involve responding you know?

I dont know if I mentioned this already in a previous post but remember when we were in Scandanavia and I had this superpower of being able to fall asleep anywhere/anytime? I really really wish that was something I had all the time in life. I dont know what it was about nor/den. Maybe the air or the water or just us tiring ourselves out but I slept so well in those countries. And I always just feel more alive when Ive had a lot of sleep. Ive really been struggling with going back and forth between by apartment and home because each time I switch locations the first night its so hard for me to fall asleep. I wonder if its just some sort of mental stigma and I can somehow hypnotize myself into not being impacted by the location. Must look into this.

I've been all about vitamins lately. My friend Patricia was telling me about how important Omega 3's are since most diets contain an abundance of Omega 6's but hardly any Omega 3's. And 3's are the ones that are very important for your brain. Most people take fish oil to get thier 3's but as I was afraid of fishy aftertaste I got this vegan substitute and have taken it for 1 day so far. That one day I did feel like more on/focused but instead of being focused at work I had this sudden energy to go and read all these interesting articles and comment on them (evidence can be found at curiouscatalog.com). So yea it was kind of like when you have to study and you find this energy to suddenly clean your room. That was me at work on friday.

Congrads on your new job! Very exciting. Its great to have a modicum of optimism about work, im really looking forward to having that at some point in the future. Ive actually heard of DVF because I went to this workshop Saks was hosting on dressing for work and the personal shopper there went on and on about having a classic DVF wrap dress. Its great that its also in a completely different subject/area rather than cooking of housewives.

The job stuff is frustrating as usual but Ive decided to stop letting it get in the way of living my life. So I really am trying to plan my Peru trip but also not because it slightly terrifies me. Also my horoscope for december said that after the 20th of this month a lot of new developments will arise and while it might seem silly that after almost a year of job searching disappointments I would choose to believe my horoscope, this to me is hope and I will take hope wherever I can get it.

I get the big picture stressed about life thing since thats pretty much my daily existence as well. Its easy to forget that everyone in our stage of life is right there with you even though they may seem like they have their lives so completely together. That is usually what gets to me the most.
And trust me I definitely get the stress about moving out. I sometimes wonder if it would have been easier for us if we just moved out straight out of school instead of waiting to do it. Maybe it wouldn't have seemed like as big of a deal back then. But either way thats of little help to us now. I do think though that the longer we wait the harder it will be because it just makes you that much more comfortable in your situation.
I have to admit every time I go home I appreciate it so much more now. I want to talk to my parents, I want to do all the great homey things I cant do in the city. But ultimately (and really this depends on the day) Im starting to realize how lucky I am to have this time in my life in the city. Not many people even have this option/opportunity. But you are so right in what you said that knowing something is right for you and accepting it/acting on it are two different things. In times and situations like that you really just have to keep moving and trust your gut and know that ultimately everything will be just fine.

Dream Jenna sounds perfectly logical

I realize you might not be able to relate to this, but sometimes I envy Dream Jenna. It feels good to have things going on and make clear decisions and know things so absolutely when I'm dreaming. Like I really feel it, and it feels like a relief most of the time, whenever it's not, you know, crazy bizarre or terrifying. But it's always strange waking up from a rememberable dream and having to find where I am all over again.

First off (or second, I guess), no worries about not posting. I get it, and being forgiving really just allows me the leeway to wait that long at some point in the future. So when I said no pressure, I did mean it. That being said I do apologize in advance because I have a feeling this is not going to be one of those posts where I go through your post and respond to every line of it. The main reason is that despite my best efforts, my brain cannot focus on rereading your post. So. That.

I did however want to post tonight because I'm starting a new job tomorrow! It's another casting position, but it's for a competition show that I've seen, so I think I'm probably going to like it better than the last one, which is good. Plus, it's certainly nice to have a modicum of optimism about working in general. The show is called House of DVF. It's like a top model-esque competition only to become the brand ambassador for DVF (diane von furstenberg). I think it could be like through the end of January? Not really sure. He said four weeks and then it could extend four weeks, but I don't know if that includes a two week break for christmas or not.

So I've actually enjoyed the day instead of feeling absolute dread for having to start a new job tomorrow. That's gotta be a good sign, right? Ugh, I am so not coming up with things to say here tonight.

I'm really glad you're in a better headspace and that turning around on the bed helped even though it still just feels wrong. I mean you're not facing the door, and you're facing the wall and the window. But whatever works. I am sorry about the job stuff though. I understand how frustrating it must be, and while it is definitely nice to actually get a response from these jobs, it would obviously be nicer to get a positive response.

I also can't believe that this year is almost over. Actually, funny story. Every Friday night my mom and I sit on the couch after dinner and read/sleep. She always falls asleep pretty quickly and I always try to keep talking to her anyway. This past weekend, I said "I can't believe it's going to be 2015. I mean, it's crazy. It's like the future. It sounds like a sci-fi movie." And she, half asleep, responded "Well, maybe if you're lucky there will be leftovers for you." I actually did think about it for a second before concluding that, no, it didn't make any sense, and when I said "WHAT???" She realized she had said something strange and we both had a good laugh. This happens from time to time actually. Once she asked me something about green pasta. It's always good fun.

By the way THANKS for the overdue credit about pregnancy being weird. I'm glad you finally understand. I feel vindicated. I'm trying to think about what else is going on in my life and my brain, but I honestly can't. I've been feeling pretty stressed lately. Like big picture stressed about life and where I'm going with it. I've been especially stressed about moving out. I think this is because I realized just how much I like living at home. I mean, it's comfortable. It's my home. I love my room and my bed and my routine and being able to hang around all day inside alone when I'm not working and not worry about finding a new job right away. I love having my cat and not having to feel guilty about leaving her. I love having meals cooked for me when I get home late and laundry done for me even when I'm being a bitch. I love that I finally figured out what drawers pants go in (ish). And when I list all these out (which I haven't, but I have in my head many times), the pros list is so much longer than the cons. Except it just so happens that the cons are major. Like the commute. Like having to walk in the rain to an interview on a day like today. Like the fact that I don't get along with my dad and that my mom asks all those thousands of questions. Or like the fact that I'm not living a life that is productive or active or social in any way because I am so comfortable here. And I know all these things, but I have to keep telling them to myself because coming to terms with knowing something is the right decision even though it feels so so so hard is... well, really really hard.

So that's where my brain has been at. Obviously in addition to all the job stuff and the travel stuff. I should really go to bed now since I have to be rested and chipper in the stupid weather tomorrow. I don't like that this was the second interview in a row I had to go to in pouring rain. I mean the wind literally almost knocked me over today. (It was worse in Queens). Off to prep and sleep now. And mourn the fact that I didn't get to see Kate and Will. Damn.

Why didnt I just wash them instead of chewing them?!

So I realize its been a ridiculous amount of time since this post has been pending so I apologize for that. Especially after I was all wah wah wah about you not posting so fair to say Monisha has learned her lesson. This reminds me of this time freshman year when I had this phase where I kept referring to myself in the third person. That was weird. Pretty much in line with the phase I had where I did yoga every morning or when I listened to classical music while I was studying. I go through these things sometimes.

Anyways I hope you had a great thanksgiving ( I realize you probably did since you love all the food)/subsequent week. I feel like last time I wrote in bowl I was going through a low so you will be glad to know I have since risen out of that low. Not to say that all those things I was feeling that week wasnt real. Moving out is still hard and I am still getting used it. But its really a wonder how much warmer weather and more sleep can brighten your perspective. Makes me wonder what Im doing on the east coast but then again Ive really been loving all the holiday cheer in nyk lately.

My thanksgiving was good..we went to Maryland and then all 5 of us went to pittsburg so it was lots of driving but it was nice to not be doing anything and it was even nicer to not be doing anything with family. You were right about how its great that its my sister who is having the baby ( I mean aside from the obvious reasons why) because now I can do all these weird things that I would never be able to do with anyone else. Like touch her stomach at random times or listen to it (we heard some glug-glug noises! aah!). I still you remember you telling me about how it was so weird that there was an alien growing inside your sister and at the time I was like it's a baby Jenna but now I completely understand what you mean. Like yes its this thing youre used to hearing about and seeing it with other people but when its happening so close to you its like mindblasting and so hard to wrap your head around.

I am so envious of your dreams. I never seem to have dreams that occur in different locations. And seriously about the Norway thing I mean we didnt even see Stavanger! Have I mentioned that before...

But seriously your dream sounds hilarious and dream Jenna sounds perfectly logical.

I think I often tend to not give myself credit for the things I have accomplished because I tend to live way more in the future than I do in the past. I mean I know youre not supposed to do either but who can help these things really. And so to me if ive already done/accomplished it then its just no big deal and on to the next. So while yes I realize that at the beginning of this year moving out was only something I hoped to do and now Ive actually done it, its like I progress on to thinking about it as though Ive always not lived at home if that makes any sense. What you said about allowing myself to feel all the feelings does make a lot of sense though because I often tend to get impatient when I feel i am in a funk and just want to do things to fix it. But sometimes you dont need to fix, you need to process.

I have started decorating my room and it definitely does help make it feel more like my room and a place I belong and not just a place I am staying. Ive also insulated my windows so that really helped too. I also have to tell you that I have started sleeping the other way on my bed. The first time I did it felt wrong. But now it feels...slightly less wrong.

I think something else I really need to be better at is accepting and owning my choices. Normally this is easy to do because the people I choose to spend time with are supportive of the things I do. But sometimes when Im talking to a work friend or someone who doesn't necessarily know me well then it gets hard because I feel like my life needs to make sense to them for me to be friends with them. But really my life doesn't have to make sense to anyone but me and those heavily invested in my life.

So as for the job I finally found a way to reach out to them where I would get firm responses and unfortunately I did not get either one. So one of them (the goldmann one) all it took was me to reach out to the HR lady and she was like oh sorry we decided not to move forward and I was like ok thats a bummer but fine. The other one (at my own company) I reached out to the HR lady multiple times and she avoided me like the plague. Finally I decided to reach out to the hiring manager because I knew he would respond to me and he got back to me within the day with a very nice email saying how while I was wonderful and he wishes he could have hired more than 1 person, unfortunately he could not and had to go with someone who had more marketing experience than I did. This kind of made me go through a rollercoaster of emotions because this was the first job in my whole process that I really wanted. To be honest I wonder why I didnt just reach out to him sooner. Maybe I felt like there was a small chance of me getting it but really after 3.5 weeks of no word I kind of already knew that I didnt. In any case Im glad I did because it was important to me to get a firm answer and actually hear it from someone so I could get closure and move on from it. On the one hand I really am grateful I got the chance to interview for the job because I met such great people and learned so much just from talking to them. And really I got so close to getting a job I actually wanted (like literally runner up) which has to mean Ive made progress in some sense. On the other hand...I got SO CLOSE. And now that I didn't get it in a lot of ways it feels like Im back at square 1 and like getting rejected from this job has not made me any closer to getting a job I actually want. I try to focus on the first perspective because ultimately I have to. I have to believe that there is a job out there for me and that if I keep trying I will get it because well what other choice do I have? Like in this situation the reason for me not getting it really was not in my hands since I cant magically conjure up marketing experience so its really like you said about finding someone who will believe in me enough to give me a chance. I know someday all of this will make sense and I will be able to see why. For now Im just trying to have patience.

Funny you should mention Serial because you're right it has been everywhere lately. I will start it. The downside of not commuting is that I dont ever get time to read or listen to podcasts unless I actually make time for it so now Im attempting to make time for it.

So thats pretty much the whole story (have you been watching New Girl?). Its hard to believe the year is almost over! I keep not making plans for January because in mind thats a long time away even though its really next month. Thats really going to bite me in the butt come January. Also I did want to take a trip early next year so thats another thing I really have to plan. Considering I make travel such a big part of my life its really a wonder I dont book my trips way in advance. Like really Im just throwing money away by not doing it. Get your head in the game Monisha sheesh. Ok I think Ive come full circle now so I will say adieu.

What are you doing Brain? Stop Lying to me!

This week, I had a dream that I was traveling somewhere. This makes perfect sense because of all the blogs. (By the way... there is SO much more to see in Norway. I don't say this in a regretful sort of way, but just in a wow, I could totally take a whole other trip there and see so much more of the country.) Anyway, my flight was at 2:30pm and I was running late since it was already 2:30 and I was at home and hadn't packed. Story of my life, right? It turned out the flight was actually 6:45 and once I realized that I started packing again. I took stacks of clothes and starting biting off chunks of them, which made perfect sense at the time. And then I realized there were holes in the clothing! And I thought, WHY DIDN'T I JUST WASH THEM INSTEAD OF CHEWING THEM? Good argument, Dream Jenna. You have a point. I also couldn't remember where I was going, which was annoying because it was right at the tip of my brain. That was the most real part of the dream, the feeling that I had just been thinking of the name of the place, but couldn't quite get to it now. I think you were in the dream somehow as a peripheral thought, but it was just so bizarre that there would never be a natural segue to it and thus, I had to start the post with it.

I'm sorry to hear about your funky week. Certainly, if there is anyone who truly gets those feelings, it is me. Even though I live at home. But I do very clearly remember having those feelings, especially at 39 (junior year). I remember you telling me all the time when we lived together that you don't like being alone and didn't like when I was away. (awww) I remind you of this in case you've forgotten, because this is really the first time you're doing this! Hello! You've always shared a room unless you were literally living at home! This is no small feat for you, so you need to give yourself credit for a. How hard that transition really is and b. how far you have come already.

I agree with Sid about the decorating. Making your room feel literally and decoratively warmer will make an impact. I know you said you don't want to have a rug, but that's always made me feel more at home in living arrangements, probably because I've always lived in places that were carpeted. I also feel that giving yourself time to feel like it's home is important too. And I don't mean that in the sense of "It'll just take time," although that is true too. I mean, make time for yourself to do homey things around the apartment, maybe not just in your room, but in the living room too. Try to make it feel like the whole place is your home, not just one little part of it. For me, this would mean spending a Shabbos in a place, taking a nap with a cozy blanket on the couch, sitting and reading and drinking tea or hot chocolate. Also, you know I would never do this, but maybe sleeping the other way on your bed would be warmer. Ugh it's making me cringe even having written it. I have a huge urge to just delete it now.

I'm on my mom's computer right now, and asked her if she wanted it back. She said I'm sure you'll be done soon. Ha. Okay then. On that note, I do understand how time when you're waiting for a post goes slower. I'm sorry my post wasn't longer. Not like, sorry I didn't write it longer, but sorry that it didn't feel longer when reading (the responsibility is off me then... but I do get it). And yes, I also get your paranoid/anxiety symptom feeling. I don't need to tell you, but I will, that I obviously do have anxiety most of the time, and I am familiar with those feelings that make you withdraw even more. For myself, I feel like sometimes I need to indulge the funk just a little bit, because overplanning and socializing non-stop won't help when you're in that place. But it is good to force yourself to see a group of friends for an hour or so. I also really don't recommend alcohol during those times. Like seriously, it's a depressant. It only makes things worse, so I don't know why people are like I'm in a bad mood, I need a drink.

I was just discussing this whole jobs not getting back to you thing with the Gombos this shabbos. It sucks. Universally. For everyone. All the time. But none of that makes anyone treat their interviewees better, so it never gets any better. Ugh. Also, don't be too hard on yourself for having down times even though you feel blessed. Remember, you're just living in a pixel. Even if you do look at the picture in awe and think Wow, I'm so lucky to have that! My friend Michelle, from Chopped, always has really great advice when I'm trying to talk myself out of feeling a certain way. Here it is: Let yourself feel what you're feeling. I try to listen to her. She basically my age, or maybe a few months older, but she is one of those people who should be several years older because she is wise and way more mature in the ways that count.

I'm glad you liked my thought. I liked it too. I actually was pretty proud of the last post because it had a nice mix of funny and deep. Yay. Thanks for what you said about grit. No lie, I was kind of ready to stop. But I'll keep writing until it's done even if there is no chance I'm going to finish. I'm pretty okay with it. Speaking of podcasts though, I discovered this podcast that's apparently a big deal last week.  It's called Serial, and it's one of those things that I heard about it once and then it was EVERYWHERE all in one day. I don't know if it's your thing, since it's about a murder investigation, but I listened to the first episode and it was really engaging.

So excited to hear about your sister! Have a great time. And nudge her by calling the baby names and talking to her stomach at first. It's the kind of thing you would never ever do to anyone, but you're the aunt so you can do whatever you want!!! Maniacal laughter! But seriously, if you can get away with it, it's pretty fun. Okay, my mom is starting to look this way, so I'm going to give back the computer now. Stay strong! Or whatever, treat yourself. Either way.

Whoaaaaa, calm down there crazy rant

I get how when it's your turn to post time suddenly seems to speed up and then when youre the one waiting it slows down. At least thats how it seems to happen for me. I think I was especially looking forward to it last week because I had a semi-rough week which I can say now was semi-rough but at the time was probably actually rough. Once you did post and I read through I was like, this was so short! But in reality it was the normal length of a post so all in all nothing has changed.

So getting to why last week was rough..I still didnt hear back from either of the jobs so I emailed/called both of them. Turns out I didnt move forward with the goldman one which was upsetting for a few minutes then I got over it. The other one at my company still hasnt gotten back to me which I think is ridiculous because by now Ive pretty much come to the conclusion that I didnt get it in which case its kind of their job to relay that news to me. Which they have not. Like really how long does it take to send an email like sorry you didnt get it. In any case that was upsetting as well but I really think what upsets me more than not getting the jobs is knowing that I have to start all over again. I mean either way I can complain as much as I want but I really do have to keep going with this so Im really better off just convincing myself that good things come to those who wait/keep trying. Theres a great podcast on npr ted hour radio called Success and one of the Ted talks they mention is on how the number one indicator of success is this factor called grit which is basically like how long can you keep going before you give up. So yes got to have grit and got to keep going.

Last week was also not so great because it was freezing and my room had a draft and it just made me really homesick. I feel like I am slowly getting used to it but honestly I think Im still in the mentality that my home in NJ is still my home and my apartment is just this place where I stay. When I was in school I knew I would eventually be coming back home and now knowing that I will never be actually coming back home is a tough thing to deal with. Its funny, before I moved out I thought things like cooking for myself would be the hardest thing I have to deal with but really thats like the least of my concerns. Sid thinks I should decorate more to make my room feel more homey and I liked that idea so Im going to try that. Eventually I know I will learn to deal with and get used to this idea of living on my own. I even remember when I had that first sales internship how I was having a really hard time getting used to the idea of having a job and it just felt like I was being forced to grow up too fast. So I guess Im kind of going through a similar thing. I think another thing is that Ive been feeling kind of lonely and the weird thing is im normally pretty good when I do have to spend time on my own and at times I even enjoy it. I think the idea of spending time alone though freaks me out and I try to avoid it. So definitely another thing I have to learn to deal with. The combination of these things (and probably the lack of sleep due to it being cold in my room) had me in this funk last week where I just kept feeling dazed and insecure. One of my friends told me a symptom for anxiety is where you are paranoid when thinking about what other people think about you.While I dont think I have anxiety I definitely did feel like I was extra on edge/paranoid in terms of how I was being perceived. I would feel like I never have anything to say to them or I cant make them laugh or Im just generally uninteresting which in turn would just kind of make me withdraw into myself even more.

Now that Im in a different state of mind I can see that I really do need to take better care of myself to stop that spiral from happening where I get into that negative stage. Its crazy how much your physical health can affect your mental health too.

Really though this was all more of an issue during the week and once the weekend came along (my friend Patricia came to visit me and we did lots of fun things) I was able to put things more into perspective. I mean really Im so lucky that I have everything I have and that this whole moving out thing was a choice I made and not just something I was forced to do due to my circumstances.
This realization kind of makes me mad at myself though because I feel like Im so blessed in my life to have all the things that I have and instead of enjoying that and chershing my life Im being stupid and brooding.

Anyways I kind of rambled on there so I hope you got the point of what I was saying. Im definitely a lot more sane now and hopefully Ill be able to keep these things in mind when I go to work tomm. Im sure it will also help thats its the week of Thanksgiving. We are going to MD to visit my sister (they might find out if its a boy or girl this week!). She's going to be traveling all of December so I probably won't see her again until January and she might be twice the size by then which is nuts.

Im glad you're keeping up (sort of) with the NaNoWriMo thing! Even if you are far behind its better than completely stopping!Remember, have grit!

I've never heard the God makes you forget the pain of childbirth thing but it actually makes a lot of sense. And same with the memory thing its kind of crazy what the brain chooses to remember..and how many things it just makes up. Like how dreams are just flashes of random images and our brains connect them together to form a story. Or same with how sometimes you think of moments in your life and you see yourself in the picture doing the thing when in reality that would be impossible so its like a fake memory you have stored away. What are you doing Brain. Stop lying to me!

This sentence was great by the way but just too long for a title: Because its not real life to be able to live in those moments. You just have to do your best to keep them in mind and trust that the process of learning them over and over again is really what it's all about anyways.

That is so incredibly true and something thats so hard to keep in mind too. Its just like how we are so quick to measure happiness by the big moments while forgetting that its the little things in between that often matter the most.

Its awesome that youve been so into travel lately! I can definitely relate as Im like that 90% of the time but right now Im forcing myself to keep it out of my mind until I can figure out the job thing. That and you know I have no more vacation days this year but luckily for me the year is almost over and I get to take vacation all over again. An absurd number of my facebook friends currently have profile pictures with them and Machu Pichu in the background. Like seriously an absurd number. It reminds me of the monkey story where thoughts travel. Have I ever told you this story? If not I will tell you but basically the point is that we think of thoughts as only existing inside our minds but really there is some way in which they get around to other people which explains the moments where everyone gets the same idea at more or less the same time.

Either way Im pretty sure a job that pays you take vacations will be living the dream so keep trying on that and if you do happen to find it then I will be following you in that.

We should plan our shabbos weekend! Dec is a busy month so Jan will probably be best (thats insane that it will be 2015 at that point. Absurd! Prepostrous! Madness!) but I havent started making plans for the new year mostly so any weekend should be good (im leaning towards the second one in jan).

Again, the gap in posting is down to me

I don't know how an entire week goes by and my brain just keeps saying, "That was basically yesterday, so you're good." But the good news is we've actually texted a fair bit, so that's nice, and it makes it seem like it hasn't been so long.

I've also been really trying to do NaNoWriMo writing. And by 'really trying', I mean the kind of really trying I did when I had to write a paper in school. Write a line. Find a million things worth looking on the internet. It's really problematic because I got so far behind in St. Louis that now a bad day here or there just brings me closer to not finishing. Like I'm really behind. And every time I write I just think "Wow. This is terrible." The important thing is that I feel like I get the importance of revision. And I keep telling myself that this step is really just about getting words on the paper. They don't even have to make sense! But the downside to that is that most of it doesn't really make sense. I jump around in time, I change tenses based on my mood... I changed a character's profession halfway through and then pretty much eliminated her. I'm fairly certain this is all part of the process but a. it really can drive you crazy and b. I'm still SO FAR BEHIND. I had a really good reason to not write in St. Louis. But now my reason is that it's been a while since I could spend my days under the blanket in front of a TV. And my hand have really been hurting. Objectively, that one is a good reason, but my brain is sick of the whining so it's just like "DEAL WITH IT AND SHUT UP!" Whoooaaaa, calm down there crazy rant.

Have you heard back about the next round of that interview yet? Or any others? Or any responses to the formal emails you sent last week? I hope you started them all with Good Day and ended them with Cheerio. Like I said, sometimes it's just about writing the craziest thing you can think of. It's depressing that people are so surprised when you get an interview through the appropriate channels. Like, seriously people? How exactly can you call yourself equal opportunity employers? Equal TO WHOM? (This is such a 21st century problem. Like obviously I know what is really meant by equal opportunity, but if someone said "I didn't get an interview because of my race!" the company would just be like "Actually, it was because you applied through the website. Don't you have an uncle here or something?")

I do remember your planner advertising selling job actually. I remember you talking about it and I remember thinking how I'd never want to do that, but that it was cool that you knew the downtown area all of a sudden. You're right. Life is full of lessons that you just have to keep learning over and over again. It's funny because people have said to me that God makes you forget the pain of childbirth so that you won't be deterred from doing it again (a disturbing thought on the pain side, but still), and I've always found it interesting how memory works. You can remember that your wisdom teeth surgery really hurt without remembering what it actually felt like. Even if you assign words to it in the movie, you can bring it back but not quite feel it the same way. And the same goes for a delicious meal you had, or what it felt like to hug someone at just the right time or... I don't know a thousand other things probably. What was my point again? Oh. That the same goes for these lessons, these epiphanies that we have over and over again. That feeling of something clicking in your head and for a minute you're like "Wow. I understand life now. I know what I need to do." Because it's not real life to be able to live in those moments. You just have to do your best to keep them in mind or trust that the process of learning them over and over again is really what it's about anyway. Or, as in the case of childbirth, that it's for the best that we aren't able to remember.

You have actually sent me the Picture/Pixel post before and I think I read the whole thing? But I do like your epiphany about doing things to actively make yourself happy. And I think it ties in perfectly with epiphany number 2- LET'S PLAN ANOTHER TRIP! Or you know, you could do that with someone else, but for my part, I'm a little afraid to travel with an untested travel partner now that I know how fraught it can be at times. Though I would consider solo travel to the right place. I've been thinking about travel a lot lately, as you know from the fact that I keep sending you stuff. Trust me, I don't even send you a quarter of it. Let me know if you'd like more. Anyway, I've been following this guy  who is traveling to every country in the world without using any plane travel. He is working with a company that is sponsoring him and he is living off of $20/day. It's bananas. But he did say that he was going over that in the more expensive countries and would spend less in cheaper ones, which make sense. Anyway, he did an AMA the other day and that was pretty interesting. I was thinking today about how interesting it was visiting the shul in Oslo and seeing the community there and how great it would be to travel to different Jewish communities all over the world. And then, in light of reading about this Danish guy, I started wondering if any companies would sponsor me to do something like that. It would be really cool. I'm going to look into it a little.

Off to not write! I've written 312 words today. The target is 2,500. Ugh.

You go Glen Coco--that poor man.

I really enjoy the pictures, please keep them coming.

I just wrote 8 thank you emails for the interview I had yesterday (they had me meet with 8 people, some 1 on 1, some 2 on 1..AND one of the guys was like "Well you're really early in the interview process so..." I had to fight my scoff back. So yes I may still be in formal mode so if anything I say sounds a bit too formal I kindly request that you read it in an english accent while picturing me in a long coat, a top hat and of course a monocle.

So yes besides that interview yesterday, which hopefully I will hear back whether there is another round/ whether I made it to the next round..Im still waiting to hear back from the job at the company Im at. While I know I should continue applying for things in the meanwhile and not just bank on these two thats really hard and it seems like suddenly all the jobs I would want to apply to have disappeared. So theres that.

Side note, something amusing/weird that happened in my interview:. One of the interviewers asked me how I got there today( meaning if I went through a recruiter, etc.) and I was like I actually just applied online and got a call and he was like amazed (rightfully so, applying online for a job in finance is pretty much the same thing as throwing your resume into a black hole and hoping for the best).

To be completely honest I don't really remember what I had left to say in my last post. I just know that I was in the middle of posting when suddenly my mom came home and demanded that we leave to go somewhere right away so I had to leave out a thought.

I completely agree about approaching problems/conflicts in a better/more constructive way because we're able to write it down here. Its kind of like when you sound overly negative you catch yourself because writing things is always more of process then just thinking them or even saying them. This is also kind of why Ive always liked chatting/emailing/blogging. Because as a default you always have to think about the things you say before you say them a little bit more. Not to mention  you often have less of a filter because its a lot easier saying things when you dont have the pressure of the other person right there.

I think a lot of the things I was telling you are things I also need to often remind myself of. Because while I do want to stay positive and truly believe there is something out there for me...rejections can seriously wear you down. Do you remember how I had an internship after freshman year where I had to go to local businesses around Rutgers and sell advertising? I don't even really think I talked about it often so totally cool if you have no clue what Im talking about but anyways while that job was seriously terrible it really did get me used to being rejected. And also showed me somehow the most obscure of tries will end up being something good. Unfortunately though, these aren't lessons you learn once and know for the rest of your life.They are lessons we have to learn over and over again to truly believe them.

That really is a shame about your camera, but youre right in that sometimes reacting to certain people about things can make us blow them out of proportion. And its pretty much a default that talking to our parents makes us revert back into our childhood selves and forget that we have developed the skills to live in this world like adults (well sort of).

I'm sorry to hear about your sister, I can't imagine how stressful that must have been but they were definitely very lucky to have you there at that time. It's also kind of nuts how things that are such big things for you and your family would be like no big deal for doctors. But that is the world of medicine I guess.

I think it always helps to hear that things that are hard for you are actually hard for everyone else to. Maybe its a misery loves company thing or maybe its just feeling like you really are trying your best with your busy schedule, just like everyone else and thats ok.

It is nice that I can have the city and have the calm of new jersey. I do feel though that Im not taking full advantage of the city yet. Maybe that's a FOMO (fear of missing out) kind of feeling or maybe its feeling like Im not doing enough (something I always feel). I think Im also getting to the point where while yes moving was a big change, now..more or less life is starting to look much the same as it did before. This reminds me of the blog post on WaitButWhy (not sure I already sent to you) that's called Your life is a picture but you live in a pixel. Its long like all of their blog posts are but long story short the point is that while big changes like moving or changing jobs or getting into relationships might seem like they significantly change your life, really after a certain point you kind of get back to square 1 with the way youre feeling and how happy you are. This is ofcourse not to say that Im unhappy with the way Im feeling, but I think Im starting to realize (I swear I re-realize this like every month) that I need to actively do things that make me happy on a daily basis and I cant just give up on them because I expect other things to take the place of them. Like ever since I moved I really dont take the time to read anymore, or since I got busy at work I dont read half as many interesting articles/blogs as I used to. So while yes, having actual work and having no commute are great things..there is a trade-off and its really up to me to make time for those things I liked doing that naturally fit in my schedule before.

So that was my epiphany. I also need to plan another trip. That was my second epiphany.

I have faith that you will start that blog. I think its better to wait until youre fully for it because that just increases your chances that you will be diligent about it. I like Snarky Explorer. It fits.

Beat you to it

I wouldn't be surprised if we are posting at the same time right now, since that has happened before, but this isn't really your normal time of day to post, so I think we're good. Also, too much posting is a problem I can definitely handle, so I'm not worried.

Thank you for all the helpful and constructive feedback on my publishing thoughts. I realized last week how much I love being able to put my problems and conflicts in here and talk to you about them. I end up approaching them more constructively in the first place and I get healthy responses, so that's nice too. I realized this on the bus on the way to the subway into the city last week. I was about 10 minutes from my house and realized I forgot my camera. I got so upset and even thought about going back, but I didn't want to be late for the RandomHouse thing. I thought of texting my mom, since I often want to do that when something is upsetting me. I guess I just get overwhelmed when I'm mad at myself for a stupid little things like that and telling someone at least gets it off your chest. But I find that telling my mom doesn't usually help because a. she has a tendency to take empathy to the next level, for example she would start by saying I'm sorry, that really sucks, and then scenarios will occur to her in which I could have used the camera and I'll feel worse. "Oh, that's a shame that you can't take ballet pictures!" and b. It kind of makes me revert to a childhood reaction to it rather than just taking a deep breath, saying that's not the reason I'm going there, and it's really not a big deal anyway.

The point is that in thinking about this, I stopped myself from texting my mom and thought instead about how I would write about it in here and what you would say about it, and I just realized how great Bowl is and how lucky I am to have it. The truth is, I had this image of taking St. Louis pictures for a potential blog since it's just another place I've been, and I realized it wasn't like I'd be going to the Arch and doing touristy things to take pictures of anyway. I was going to help out with my sister and it's a damn good thing I did. She wasn't really feeling well all of last week on and off so I was helping with Hannah. Then Thursday night, it got really bad and they decided to go to the Emergency Room. So it was good I was there to babysit while Hannah went to sleep. Then they admitted Sabrina to the hospital. Apparently, she had a gall stone stuck in her duct even after the gall bladder was removed. So, this was causing her liver enzyme levels to get really high or whatever. The doctors told her that normal levels are around 30-40 and hers were around 1000. I have no idea what this means, but when you look at the relative numbers, it seems like a pretty big deal.

So anyway, it's a relatively simple procedure to remove it, but they couldn't do it until Friday. Then they told her friday morning that they had a busy schedule and weren't expecting her so she would have to wait until late afternoon. So I took care of Hannah and Shabbos food while Max was with her. She ended up having to stay until Saturday morning and was discharged and is feeling much better now, which is a relief both health-wise and because I love Hannah, but I am exhausted.

So long story short, good thing I'm here. I haven't had much time or energy to write, so the second half of the month is going to be intense if I decide to continue. But they keep sending updates and peptalks and I still feel like I'm committed to it even though I hate what I've been writing and it's hard. From the emails, it seems like that is not only normal, but pretty much an epidemic. And hearing that actually helps.

I'm happy to hear that you are enjoying living in the city not and the difference between that and home. It's nice that you have a balance of both, since as we know and discouragingly told our Scandinavian friends, the city can wear you down. It's also nice that you're starting to think in terms of staying in the city when that works for you. Good for you! You go Glen Coco! (P.S. I read something about how Glen coco is a real person. He's a film editor named Glen Cocco. You have to imagine introducing himself to people gets kind of annoying now and then. I think it's hilarious)

Perhaps if I start a blog, I can incorporate these stories from people. That is one of the fun things about travel anyway. I know I keep talking about starting a blog, so thanks for bearing with me for like, 2 years? It's a lot of work and I just keep thinking Ugh, but it is something I want to do, so perhaps after NaNoWriMo. Right now I'm thinking that we both really like 'Snarky,' so maybe I'll just do Snarky Explorer and forgo the alliteration.

I wish you could see the crazy acrobatics Hannah and Max are doing right now. She is standing upright on his palms and he is lifting her as she balances. It's like watching baby Cirqe du Soleil. Which is something that should probably exist. Here is another picture.

Titles are overrated

I saw a buzzfeed article on NaNoWriMo yesterday and thought of you. I should really read these travel blogs, maybe it will inspire me to stop spending money on useless crap and save for my travels instead. Its funny how easily we fall back into old habits. Like I was so good with not shopping and saving money (in my defense that was when I was given more to do at work) and then now the moment I have a little extra time Im back to buying things I dont need again..sigh.

Sorry to hear about the interview, that is very unfortunate but then again I always feel like the jobs you are meant to get you will so maybe he just saved you time and effort by sparing you.Still does not make it any less rude on his part or less annoying, but also why would you want to work for someone who's that rude anyways.

RandomHouse sounds amazing. Like I don't know if I ever even considered publishing a field for me (probably not because I cant ever force myself to read books I dont like), but seriously sounds so cool! And I probably did consider publishing after Being Erica because who wouldnt.  Being in a place surrounded by books sounds homey and awesome. Thats also really great how she gave you such a good breakdown of everything in the industry. Youre so right in that most people will just be like oh yea every day is different. Who made that an acceptable answer? Why do you think you can just get away with saying that? That in no way answers my question of what you do. 

Its also great you got to talk to someone who loved her job but wasnt so biased that she didnt give you the negatives of it as well. The thing about the pay is really really really unfortunate. I personally do not know how anybody could survive in the city getting paid that much but then again I work in finance so they dont teach us to think about those things. Also it just seems beyond ridiculous to me that you wouldnt get paid decently well for a field thats so..important. Like to think that someone who is an analyst for Keeping up with the Kardashians would get paid more than someone who is at a junior level on the team for The Book Thief just makes no sense to me and also basically sums up everything that is wrong with society today. 

I understand this is a scary thing to consider but I also think its really exciting that youre considering it. Ultimately I genuinely believe that at any job rather than the specific skills you pick up its more the transferable skills that matter. Because while maybe the fact that you know a lot of chefs due to Chopped would be great if you were to work at another cooking show, the fact that you've had experience reaching out to random people and making connections with them will ultimately help you more in your future jobs. I also think a lot of job hunting and switching fields comes down to how you market yourself. So even if you did try out publishing and it didnt end up being right for you, whenever you decide to switch out of it you can be like, hey look I switched industries once before and still managed to stay successful so clearly I can easily do it again!

Also while it may seem like the worst thing in the world to be 27 and not have any idea what you want to do with your life, it is nowhere near as bad as being 40 and not knowing what you want to do with your life. If anything, each new thing you try helps you learn more about yourself and what you like/dislike, so even if it doesnt work out youre still better off for having tried it. Not to mention 2 years in the scope of your whole career is close to nothing (this is what I tell myself when I have the epiphany that Im wasting my life in finance).

I do agree with you that the most relevant downside it that it may seem hard to break into, but even this I feel is just a matter of patience. At some point they will need someone, and you will be able to convince them that the someone they need is you..but really there is no saying when that some point will be and I agree that can be scary. But again I do genuinely believe that if something is meant to happen then it will and you just have to have faith in the universe and more importantly, yourself and you will be able to make it happen.

I think its a very girl thing to say that someone got lucky and fell into their dream job. Maybe yes, she happened to choose the right direction to swim towards while the rest of us are still kind of circling around the pool. But still Im sure even she had times when she was unsure of herself and had to work at some point in her life to get to where she is. The reason I say that is because if you put it to luck then it makes it seem like, oh to get to where she is then I have to be lucky too. But I really dont think thats it. Ofcourse luck and fate have to be on your side, but I do genuinely believe that if you work hard enough you will also be able to make it to where she is.

The free books literally sounds like heaven.

I don't think you sounded negative in your last post. Honestly I think these are things we all go through and have to deal with. For my interview last week they told me I wouldnt know until the beginning of next week and while I want to believe that I did well and that if its meant to happen I will get it, I also know that I could just as easily not get it through no fault of my own. Maybe someone else with more experience applied. Maybe someone's cousin was a candidate. Ultimately though I know that I tried my best and thats really all I can control. And if I dont get it well that will suck but I still met amazing people who told me I was a star and that I was very articulate and those are things I can use for my next interview. There's always going to be another interview down the line and another shot at a job.  Thankfully we live in new york.

Speaking of living in New York, I feel like my life has changed a lot every since I moved. Now thats its been a full month I can actually reflect back on it. You know in college when I came home on the weekends it would just be like Im going home because I always go home and it was also very different because back then my sister came home too. But now when I come home it feels like such a drastic change from being in the city. I notice how quiet everything is, how slow everything is, how many more leaves and trees there are. It almost feels like I come to a whole different life here than what its like in the city. And this is with not much else drastically changing too. For the most part the things I do now I always did. I cant say if I like one more than the other because as much as I love the comfort of home, I love how many things are going on in new york. I dont know if I want or need to keep coming home as often now too but for now I will because I know its not easy for my parents to have me out of the house. 

Another weird thing is that in college a lot of times I would enjoy my weeks more than the weekends. I loved seeing the people I saw and I loved being busy. It feels similar now where things move so much faster doing the week that I find myself enjoying it more...except for when Im at work. When Im at work Im counting the days down and waiting for the weekend. And then the weekend comes and I want to be just as busy as I am during the week...

What you said about wanting to hear people's stories..I often feel that way about every topic. I realized this about myself that I genuinely love hearing other people's perspectives and their experiences and once I pass this level with certain people it becomes like a weird obsession where I just want to find out everything about their lives.I think the people I really do this with are people I can genuinely empathize and connect with. Otherwise I just feel lost. If only I could find a way to make this into a job....