What are you doing Brain? Stop Lying to me!

This week, I had a dream that I was traveling somewhere. This makes perfect sense because of all the blogs. (By the way... there is SO much more to see in Norway. I don't say this in a regretful sort of way, but just in a wow, I could totally take a whole other trip there and see so much more of the country.) Anyway, my flight was at 2:30pm and I was running late since it was already 2:30 and I was at home and hadn't packed. Story of my life, right? It turned out the flight was actually 6:45 and once I realized that I started packing again. I took stacks of clothes and starting biting off chunks of them, which made perfect sense at the time. And then I realized there were holes in the clothing! And I thought, WHY DIDN'T I JUST WASH THEM INSTEAD OF CHEWING THEM? Good argument, Dream Jenna. You have a point. I also couldn't remember where I was going, which was annoying because it was right at the tip of my brain. That was the most real part of the dream, the feeling that I had just been thinking of the name of the place, but couldn't quite get to it now. I think you were in the dream somehow as a peripheral thought, but it was just so bizarre that there would never be a natural segue to it and thus, I had to start the post with it.

I'm sorry to hear about your funky week. Certainly, if there is anyone who truly gets those feelings, it is me. Even though I live at home. But I do very clearly remember having those feelings, especially at 39 (junior year). I remember you telling me all the time when we lived together that you don't like being alone and didn't like when I was away. (awww) I remind you of this in case you've forgotten, because this is really the first time you're doing this! Hello! You've always shared a room unless you were literally living at home! This is no small feat for you, so you need to give yourself credit for a. How hard that transition really is and b. how far you have come already.

I agree with Sid about the decorating. Making your room feel literally and decoratively warmer will make an impact. I know you said you don't want to have a rug, but that's always made me feel more at home in living arrangements, probably because I've always lived in places that were carpeted. I also feel that giving yourself time to feel like it's home is important too. And I don't mean that in the sense of "It'll just take time," although that is true too. I mean, make time for yourself to do homey things around the apartment, maybe not just in your room, but in the living room too. Try to make it feel like the whole place is your home, not just one little part of it. For me, this would mean spending a Shabbos in a place, taking a nap with a cozy blanket on the couch, sitting and reading and drinking tea or hot chocolate. Also, you know I would never do this, but maybe sleeping the other way on your bed would be warmer. Ugh it's making me cringe even having written it. I have a huge urge to just delete it now.

I'm on my mom's computer right now, and asked her if she wanted it back. She said I'm sure you'll be done soon. Ha. Okay then. On that note, I do understand how time when you're waiting for a post goes slower. I'm sorry my post wasn't longer. Not like, sorry I didn't write it longer, but sorry that it didn't feel longer when reading (the responsibility is off me then... but I do get it). And yes, I also get your paranoid/anxiety symptom feeling. I don't need to tell you, but I will, that I obviously do have anxiety most of the time, and I am familiar with those feelings that make you withdraw even more. For myself, I feel like sometimes I need to indulge the funk just a little bit, because overplanning and socializing non-stop won't help when you're in that place. But it is good to force yourself to see a group of friends for an hour or so. I also really don't recommend alcohol during those times. Like seriously, it's a depressant. It only makes things worse, so I don't know why people are like I'm in a bad mood, I need a drink.

I was just discussing this whole jobs not getting back to you thing with the Gombos this shabbos. It sucks. Universally. For everyone. All the time. But none of that makes anyone treat their interviewees better, so it never gets any better. Ugh. Also, don't be too hard on yourself for having down times even though you feel blessed. Remember, you're just living in a pixel. Even if you do look at the picture in awe and think Wow, I'm so lucky to have that! My friend Michelle, from Chopped, always has really great advice when I'm trying to talk myself out of feeling a certain way. Here it is: Let yourself feel what you're feeling. I try to listen to her. She basically my age, or maybe a few months older, but she is one of those people who should be several years older because she is wise and way more mature in the ways that count.

I'm glad you liked my thought. I liked it too. I actually was pretty proud of the last post because it had a nice mix of funny and deep. Yay. Thanks for what you said about grit. No lie, I was kind of ready to stop. But I'll keep writing until it's done even if there is no chance I'm going to finish. I'm pretty okay with it. Speaking of podcasts though, I discovered this podcast that's apparently a big deal last week.  It's called Serial, and it's one of those things that I heard about it once and then it was EVERYWHERE all in one day. I don't know if it's your thing, since it's about a murder investigation, but I listened to the first episode and it was really engaging.

So excited to hear about your sister! Have a great time. And nudge her by calling the baby names and talking to her stomach at first. It's the kind of thing you would never ever do to anyone, but you're the aunt so you can do whatever you want!!! Maniacal laughter! But seriously, if you can get away with it, it's pretty fun. Okay, my mom is starting to look this way, so I'm going to give back the computer now. Stay strong! Or whatever, treat yourself. Either way.

Whoaaaaa, calm down there crazy rant

I get how when it's your turn to post time suddenly seems to speed up and then when youre the one waiting it slows down. At least thats how it seems to happen for me. I think I was especially looking forward to it last week because I had a semi-rough week which I can say now was semi-rough but at the time was probably actually rough. Once you did post and I read through I was like, this was so short! But in reality it was the normal length of a post so all in all nothing has changed.

So getting to why last week was rough..I still didnt hear back from either of the jobs so I emailed/called both of them. Turns out I didnt move forward with the goldman one which was upsetting for a few minutes then I got over it. The other one at my company still hasnt gotten back to me which I think is ridiculous because by now Ive pretty much come to the conclusion that I didnt get it in which case its kind of their job to relay that news to me. Which they have not. Like really how long does it take to send an email like sorry you didnt get it. In any case that was upsetting as well but I really think what upsets me more than not getting the jobs is knowing that I have to start all over again. I mean either way I can complain as much as I want but I really do have to keep going with this so Im really better off just convincing myself that good things come to those who wait/keep trying. Theres a great podcast on npr ted hour radio called Success and one of the Ted talks they mention is on how the number one indicator of success is this factor called grit which is basically like how long can you keep going before you give up. So yes got to have grit and got to keep going.

Last week was also not so great because it was freezing and my room had a draft and it just made me really homesick. I feel like I am slowly getting used to it but honestly I think Im still in the mentality that my home in NJ is still my home and my apartment is just this place where I stay. When I was in school I knew I would eventually be coming back home and now knowing that I will never be actually coming back home is a tough thing to deal with. Its funny, before I moved out I thought things like cooking for myself would be the hardest thing I have to deal with but really thats like the least of my concerns. Sid thinks I should decorate more to make my room feel more homey and I liked that idea so Im going to try that. Eventually I know I will learn to deal with and get used to this idea of living on my own. I even remember when I had that first sales internship how I was having a really hard time getting used to the idea of having a job and it just felt like I was being forced to grow up too fast. So I guess Im kind of going through a similar thing. I think another thing is that Ive been feeling kind of lonely and the weird thing is im normally pretty good when I do have to spend time on my own and at times I even enjoy it. I think the idea of spending time alone though freaks me out and I try to avoid it. So definitely another thing I have to learn to deal with. The combination of these things (and probably the lack of sleep due to it being cold in my room) had me in this funk last week where I just kept feeling dazed and insecure. One of my friends told me a symptom for anxiety is where you are paranoid when thinking about what other people think about you.While I dont think I have anxiety I definitely did feel like I was extra on edge/paranoid in terms of how I was being perceived. I would feel like I never have anything to say to them or I cant make them laugh or Im just generally uninteresting which in turn would just kind of make me withdraw into myself even more.

Now that Im in a different state of mind I can see that I really do need to take better care of myself to stop that spiral from happening where I get into that negative stage. Its crazy how much your physical health can affect your mental health too.

Really though this was all more of an issue during the week and once the weekend came along (my friend Patricia came to visit me and we did lots of fun things) I was able to put things more into perspective. I mean really Im so lucky that I have everything I have and that this whole moving out thing was a choice I made and not just something I was forced to do due to my circumstances.
This realization kind of makes me mad at myself though because I feel like Im so blessed in my life to have all the things that I have and instead of enjoying that and chershing my life Im being stupid and brooding.

Anyways I kind of rambled on there so I hope you got the point of what I was saying. Im definitely a lot more sane now and hopefully Ill be able to keep these things in mind when I go to work tomm. Im sure it will also help thats its the week of Thanksgiving. We are going to MD to visit my sister (they might find out if its a boy or girl this week!). She's going to be traveling all of December so I probably won't see her again until January and she might be twice the size by then which is nuts.

Im glad you're keeping up (sort of) with the NaNoWriMo thing! Even if you are far behind its better than completely stopping!Remember, have grit!

I've never heard the God makes you forget the pain of childbirth thing but it actually makes a lot of sense. And same with the memory thing its kind of crazy what the brain chooses to remember..and how many things it just makes up. Like how dreams are just flashes of random images and our brains connect them together to form a story. Or same with how sometimes you think of moments in your life and you see yourself in the picture doing the thing when in reality that would be impossible so its like a fake memory you have stored away. What are you doing Brain. Stop lying to me!

This sentence was great by the way but just too long for a title: Because its not real life to be able to live in those moments. You just have to do your best to keep them in mind and trust that the process of learning them over and over again is really what it's all about anyways.

That is so incredibly true and something thats so hard to keep in mind too. Its just like how we are so quick to measure happiness by the big moments while forgetting that its the little things in between that often matter the most.

Its awesome that youve been so into travel lately! I can definitely relate as Im like that 90% of the time but right now Im forcing myself to keep it out of my mind until I can figure out the job thing. That and you know I have no more vacation days this year but luckily for me the year is almost over and I get to take vacation all over again. An absurd number of my facebook friends currently have profile pictures with them and Machu Pichu in the background. Like seriously an absurd number. It reminds me of the monkey story where thoughts travel. Have I ever told you this story? If not I will tell you but basically the point is that we think of thoughts as only existing inside our minds but really there is some way in which they get around to other people which explains the moments where everyone gets the same idea at more or less the same time.

Either way Im pretty sure a job that pays you take vacations will be living the dream so keep trying on that and if you do happen to find it then I will be following you in that.

We should plan our shabbos weekend! Dec is a busy month so Jan will probably be best (thats insane that it will be 2015 at that point. Absurd! Prepostrous! Madness!) but I havent started making plans for the new year mostly so any weekend should be good (im leaning towards the second one in jan).

Again, the gap in posting is down to me

I don't know how an entire week goes by and my brain just keeps saying, "That was basically yesterday, so you're good." But the good news is we've actually texted a fair bit, so that's nice, and it makes it seem like it hasn't been so long.

I've also been really trying to do NaNoWriMo writing. And by 'really trying', I mean the kind of really trying I did when I had to write a paper in school. Write a line. Find a million things worth looking on the internet. It's really problematic because I got so far behind in St. Louis that now a bad day here or there just brings me closer to not finishing. Like I'm really behind. And every time I write I just think "Wow. This is terrible." The important thing is that I feel like I get the importance of revision. And I keep telling myself that this step is really just about getting words on the paper. They don't even have to make sense! But the downside to that is that most of it doesn't really make sense. I jump around in time, I change tenses based on my mood... I changed a character's profession halfway through and then pretty much eliminated her. I'm fairly certain this is all part of the process but a. it really can drive you crazy and b. I'm still SO FAR BEHIND. I had a really good reason to not write in St. Louis. But now my reason is that it's been a while since I could spend my days under the blanket in front of a TV. And my hand have really been hurting. Objectively, that one is a good reason, but my brain is sick of the whining so it's just like "DEAL WITH IT AND SHUT UP!" Whoooaaaa, calm down there crazy rant.

Have you heard back about the next round of that interview yet? Or any others? Or any responses to the formal emails you sent last week? I hope you started them all with Good Day and ended them with Cheerio. Like I said, sometimes it's just about writing the craziest thing you can think of. It's depressing that people are so surprised when you get an interview through the appropriate channels. Like, seriously people? How exactly can you call yourself equal opportunity employers? Equal TO WHOM? (This is such a 21st century problem. Like obviously I know what is really meant by equal opportunity, but if someone said "I didn't get an interview because of my race!" the company would just be like "Actually, it was because you applied through the website. Don't you have an uncle here or something?")

I do remember your planner advertising selling job actually. I remember you talking about it and I remember thinking how I'd never want to do that, but that it was cool that you knew the downtown area all of a sudden. You're right. Life is full of lessons that you just have to keep learning over and over again. It's funny because people have said to me that God makes you forget the pain of childbirth so that you won't be deterred from doing it again (a disturbing thought on the pain side, but still), and I've always found it interesting how memory works. You can remember that your wisdom teeth surgery really hurt without remembering what it actually felt like. Even if you assign words to it in the movie, you can bring it back but not quite feel it the same way. And the same goes for a delicious meal you had, or what it felt like to hug someone at just the right time or... I don't know a thousand other things probably. What was my point again? Oh. That the same goes for these lessons, these epiphanies that we have over and over again. That feeling of something clicking in your head and for a minute you're like "Wow. I understand life now. I know what I need to do." Because it's not real life to be able to live in those moments. You just have to do your best to keep them in mind or trust that the process of learning them over and over again is really what it's about anyway. Or, as in the case of childbirth, that it's for the best that we aren't able to remember.

You have actually sent me the Picture/Pixel post before and I think I read the whole thing? But I do like your epiphany about doing things to actively make yourself happy. And I think it ties in perfectly with epiphany number 2- LET'S PLAN ANOTHER TRIP! Or you know, you could do that with someone else, but for my part, I'm a little afraid to travel with an untested travel partner now that I know how fraught it can be at times. Though I would consider solo travel to the right place. I've been thinking about travel a lot lately, as you know from the fact that I keep sending you stuff. Trust me, I don't even send you a quarter of it. Let me know if you'd like more. Anyway, I've been following this guy  who is traveling to every country in the world without using any plane travel. He is working with a company that is sponsoring him and he is living off of $20/day. It's bananas. But he did say that he was going over that in the more expensive countries and would spend less in cheaper ones, which make sense. Anyway, he did an AMA the other day and that was pretty interesting. I was thinking today about how interesting it was visiting the shul in Oslo and seeing the community there and how great it would be to travel to different Jewish communities all over the world. And then, in light of reading about this Danish guy, I started wondering if any companies would sponsor me to do something like that. It would be really cool. I'm going to look into it a little.

Off to not write! I've written 312 words today. The target is 2,500. Ugh.

You go Glen Coco--that poor man.

I really enjoy the pictures, please keep them coming.

I just wrote 8 thank you emails for the interview I had yesterday (they had me meet with 8 people, some 1 on 1, some 2 on 1..AND one of the guys was like "Well you're really early in the interview process so..." I had to fight my scoff back. So yes I may still be in formal mode so if anything I say sounds a bit too formal I kindly request that you read it in an english accent while picturing me in a long coat, a top hat and of course a monocle.

So yes besides that interview yesterday, which hopefully I will hear back whether there is another round/ whether I made it to the next round..Im still waiting to hear back from the job at the company Im at. While I know I should continue applying for things in the meanwhile and not just bank on these two thats really hard and it seems like suddenly all the jobs I would want to apply to have disappeared. So theres that.

Side note, something amusing/weird that happened in my interview:. One of the interviewers asked me how I got there today( meaning if I went through a recruiter, etc.) and I was like I actually just applied online and got a call and he was like amazed (rightfully so, applying online for a job in finance is pretty much the same thing as throwing your resume into a black hole and hoping for the best).

To be completely honest I don't really remember what I had left to say in my last post. I just know that I was in the middle of posting when suddenly my mom came home and demanded that we leave to go somewhere right away so I had to leave out a thought.

I completely agree about approaching problems/conflicts in a better/more constructive way because we're able to write it down here. Its kind of like when you sound overly negative you catch yourself because writing things is always more of process then just thinking them or even saying them. This is also kind of why Ive always liked chatting/emailing/blogging. Because as a default you always have to think about the things you say before you say them a little bit more. Not to mention  you often have less of a filter because its a lot easier saying things when you dont have the pressure of the other person right there.

I think a lot of the things I was telling you are things I also need to often remind myself of. Because while I do want to stay positive and truly believe there is something out there for me...rejections can seriously wear you down. Do you remember how I had an internship after freshman year where I had to go to local businesses around Rutgers and sell advertising? I don't even really think I talked about it often so totally cool if you have no clue what Im talking about but anyways while that job was seriously terrible it really did get me used to being rejected. And also showed me somehow the most obscure of tries will end up being something good. Unfortunately though, these aren't lessons you learn once and know for the rest of your life.They are lessons we have to learn over and over again to truly believe them.

That really is a shame about your camera, but youre right in that sometimes reacting to certain people about things can make us blow them out of proportion. And its pretty much a default that talking to our parents makes us revert back into our childhood selves and forget that we have developed the skills to live in this world like adults (well sort of).

I'm sorry to hear about your sister, I can't imagine how stressful that must have been but they were definitely very lucky to have you there at that time. It's also kind of nuts how things that are such big things for you and your family would be like no big deal for doctors. But that is the world of medicine I guess.

I think it always helps to hear that things that are hard for you are actually hard for everyone else to. Maybe its a misery loves company thing or maybe its just feeling like you really are trying your best with your busy schedule, just like everyone else and thats ok.

It is nice that I can have the city and have the calm of new jersey. I do feel though that Im not taking full advantage of the city yet. Maybe that's a FOMO (fear of missing out) kind of feeling or maybe its feeling like Im not doing enough (something I always feel). I think Im also getting to the point where while yes moving was a big change, now..more or less life is starting to look much the same as it did before. This reminds me of the blog post on WaitButWhy (not sure I already sent to you) that's called Your life is a picture but you live in a pixel. Its long like all of their blog posts are but long story short the point is that while big changes like moving or changing jobs or getting into relationships might seem like they significantly change your life, really after a certain point you kind of get back to square 1 with the way youre feeling and how happy you are. This is ofcourse not to say that Im unhappy with the way Im feeling, but I think Im starting to realize (I swear I re-realize this like every month) that I need to actively do things that make me happy on a daily basis and I cant just give up on them because I expect other things to take the place of them. Like ever since I moved I really dont take the time to read anymore, or since I got busy at work I dont read half as many interesting articles/blogs as I used to. So while yes, having actual work and having no commute are great things..there is a trade-off and its really up to me to make time for those things I liked doing that naturally fit in my schedule before.

So that was my epiphany. I also need to plan another trip. That was my second epiphany.

I have faith that you will start that blog. I think its better to wait until youre fully for it because that just increases your chances that you will be diligent about it. I like Snarky Explorer. It fits.

Beat you to it

I wouldn't be surprised if we are posting at the same time right now, since that has happened before, but this isn't really your normal time of day to post, so I think we're good. Also, too much posting is a problem I can definitely handle, so I'm not worried.

Thank you for all the helpful and constructive feedback on my publishing thoughts. I realized last week how much I love being able to put my problems and conflicts in here and talk to you about them. I end up approaching them more constructively in the first place and I get healthy responses, so that's nice too. I realized this on the bus on the way to the subway into the city last week. I was about 10 minutes from my house and realized I forgot my camera. I got so upset and even thought about going back, but I didn't want to be late for the RandomHouse thing. I thought of texting my mom, since I often want to do that when something is upsetting me. I guess I just get overwhelmed when I'm mad at myself for a stupid little things like that and telling someone at least gets it off your chest. But I find that telling my mom doesn't usually help because a. she has a tendency to take empathy to the next level, for example she would start by saying I'm sorry, that really sucks, and then scenarios will occur to her in which I could have used the camera and I'll feel worse. "Oh, that's a shame that you can't take ballet pictures!" and b. It kind of makes me revert to a childhood reaction to it rather than just taking a deep breath, saying that's not the reason I'm going there, and it's really not a big deal anyway.

The point is that in thinking about this, I stopped myself from texting my mom and thought instead about how I would write about it in here and what you would say about it, and I just realized how great Bowl is and how lucky I am to have it. The truth is, I had this image of taking St. Louis pictures for a potential blog since it's just another place I've been, and I realized it wasn't like I'd be going to the Arch and doing touristy things to take pictures of anyway. I was going to help out with my sister and it's a damn good thing I did. She wasn't really feeling well all of last week on and off so I was helping with Hannah. Then Thursday night, it got really bad and they decided to go to the Emergency Room. So it was good I was there to babysit while Hannah went to sleep. Then they admitted Sabrina to the hospital. Apparently, she had a gall stone stuck in her duct even after the gall bladder was removed. So, this was causing her liver enzyme levels to get really high or whatever. The doctors told her that normal levels are around 30-40 and hers were around 1000. I have no idea what this means, but when you look at the relative numbers, it seems like a pretty big deal.

So anyway, it's a relatively simple procedure to remove it, but they couldn't do it until Friday. Then they told her friday morning that they had a busy schedule and weren't expecting her so she would have to wait until late afternoon. So I took care of Hannah and Shabbos food while Max was with her. She ended up having to stay until Saturday morning and was discharged and is feeling much better now, which is a relief both health-wise and because I love Hannah, but I am exhausted.

So long story short, good thing I'm here. I haven't had much time or energy to write, so the second half of the month is going to be intense if I decide to continue. But they keep sending updates and peptalks and I still feel like I'm committed to it even though I hate what I've been writing and it's hard. From the emails, it seems like that is not only normal, but pretty much an epidemic. And hearing that actually helps.

I'm happy to hear that you are enjoying living in the city not and the difference between that and home. It's nice that you have a balance of both, since as we know and discouragingly told our Scandinavian friends, the city can wear you down. It's also nice that you're starting to think in terms of staying in the city when that works for you. Good for you! You go Glen Coco! (P.S. I read something about how Glen coco is a real person. He's a film editor named Glen Cocco. You have to imagine introducing himself to people gets kind of annoying now and then. I think it's hilarious)

Perhaps if I start a blog, I can incorporate these stories from people. That is one of the fun things about travel anyway. I know I keep talking about starting a blog, so thanks for bearing with me for like, 2 years? It's a lot of work and I just keep thinking Ugh, but it is something I want to do, so perhaps after NaNoWriMo. Right now I'm thinking that we both really like 'Snarky,' so maybe I'll just do Snarky Explorer and forgo the alliteration.

I wish you could see the crazy acrobatics Hannah and Max are doing right now. She is standing upright on his palms and he is lifting her as she balances. It's like watching baby Cirqe du Soleil. Which is something that should probably exist. Here is another picture.

Titles are overrated

I saw a buzzfeed article on NaNoWriMo yesterday and thought of you. I should really read these travel blogs, maybe it will inspire me to stop spending money on useless crap and save for my travels instead. Its funny how easily we fall back into old habits. Like I was so good with not shopping and saving money (in my defense that was when I was given more to do at work) and then now the moment I have a little extra time Im back to buying things I dont need again..sigh.

Sorry to hear about the interview, that is very unfortunate but then again I always feel like the jobs you are meant to get you will so maybe he just saved you time and effort by sparing you.Still does not make it any less rude on his part or less annoying, but also why would you want to work for someone who's that rude anyways.

RandomHouse sounds amazing. Like I don't know if I ever even considered publishing a field for me (probably not because I cant ever force myself to read books I dont like), but seriously sounds so cool! And I probably did consider publishing after Being Erica because who wouldnt.  Being in a place surrounded by books sounds homey and awesome. Thats also really great how she gave you such a good breakdown of everything in the industry. Youre so right in that most people will just be like oh yea every day is different. Who made that an acceptable answer? Why do you think you can just get away with saying that? That in no way answers my question of what you do. 

Its also great you got to talk to someone who loved her job but wasnt so biased that she didnt give you the negatives of it as well. The thing about the pay is really really really unfortunate. I personally do not know how anybody could survive in the city getting paid that much but then again I work in finance so they dont teach us to think about those things. Also it just seems beyond ridiculous to me that you wouldnt get paid decently well for a field thats so..important. Like to think that someone who is an analyst for Keeping up with the Kardashians would get paid more than someone who is at a junior level on the team for The Book Thief just makes no sense to me and also basically sums up everything that is wrong with society today. 

I understand this is a scary thing to consider but I also think its really exciting that youre considering it. Ultimately I genuinely believe that at any job rather than the specific skills you pick up its more the transferable skills that matter. Because while maybe the fact that you know a lot of chefs due to Chopped would be great if you were to work at another cooking show, the fact that you've had experience reaching out to random people and making connections with them will ultimately help you more in your future jobs. I also think a lot of job hunting and switching fields comes down to how you market yourself. So even if you did try out publishing and it didnt end up being right for you, whenever you decide to switch out of it you can be like, hey look I switched industries once before and still managed to stay successful so clearly I can easily do it again!

Also while it may seem like the worst thing in the world to be 27 and not have any idea what you want to do with your life, it is nowhere near as bad as being 40 and not knowing what you want to do with your life. If anything, each new thing you try helps you learn more about yourself and what you like/dislike, so even if it doesnt work out youre still better off for having tried it. Not to mention 2 years in the scope of your whole career is close to nothing (this is what I tell myself when I have the epiphany that Im wasting my life in finance).

I do agree with you that the most relevant downside it that it may seem hard to break into, but even this I feel is just a matter of patience. At some point they will need someone, and you will be able to convince them that the someone they need is you..but really there is no saying when that some point will be and I agree that can be scary. But again I do genuinely believe that if something is meant to happen then it will and you just have to have faith in the universe and more importantly, yourself and you will be able to make it happen.

I think its a very girl thing to say that someone got lucky and fell into their dream job. Maybe yes, she happened to choose the right direction to swim towards while the rest of us are still kind of circling around the pool. But still Im sure even she had times when she was unsure of herself and had to work at some point in her life to get to where she is. The reason I say that is because if you put it to luck then it makes it seem like, oh to get to where she is then I have to be lucky too. But I really dont think thats it. Ofcourse luck and fate have to be on your side, but I do genuinely believe that if you work hard enough you will also be able to make it to where she is.

The free books literally sounds like heaven.

I don't think you sounded negative in your last post. Honestly I think these are things we all go through and have to deal with. For my interview last week they told me I wouldnt know until the beginning of next week and while I want to believe that I did well and that if its meant to happen I will get it, I also know that I could just as easily not get it through no fault of my own. Maybe someone else with more experience applied. Maybe someone's cousin was a candidate. Ultimately though I know that I tried my best and thats really all I can control. And if I dont get it well that will suck but I still met amazing people who told me I was a star and that I was very articulate and those are things I can use for my next interview. There's always going to be another interview down the line and another shot at a job.  Thankfully we live in new york.

Speaking of living in New York, I feel like my life has changed a lot every since I moved. Now thats its been a full month I can actually reflect back on it. You know in college when I came home on the weekends it would just be like Im going home because I always go home and it was also very different because back then my sister came home too. But now when I come home it feels like such a drastic change from being in the city. I notice how quiet everything is, how slow everything is, how many more leaves and trees there are. It almost feels like I come to a whole different life here than what its like in the city. And this is with not much else drastically changing too. For the most part the things I do now I always did. I cant say if I like one more than the other because as much as I love the comfort of home, I love how many things are going on in new york. I dont know if I want or need to keep coming home as often now too but for now I will because I know its not easy for my parents to have me out of the house. 

Another weird thing is that in college a lot of times I would enjoy my weeks more than the weekends. I loved seeing the people I saw and I loved being busy. It feels similar now where things move so much faster doing the week that I find myself enjoying it more...except for when Im at work. When Im at work Im counting the days down and waiting for the weekend. And then the weekend comes and I want to be just as busy as I am during the week...

What you said about wanting to hear people's stories..I often feel that way about every topic. I realized this about myself that I genuinely love hearing other people's perspectives and their experiences and once I pass this level with certain people it becomes like a weird obsession where I just want to find out everything about their lives.I think the people I really do this with are people I can genuinely empathize and connect with. Otherwise I just feel lost. If only I could find a way to make this into a job....

Priorities are overrated

So, let's be honest. I told myself I needed to write my daily allotment for NaNoWriMo before replying to your post. That was Monday. I wrote about half my daily allotment. Yesterday I wrote nothing, but I did get some help with plot development courtesy of my friend Javi, so hopefully that will help with the actual physical writing part of it. And yes, I have some time now while Hannahbear is occupied with my phone, but the truth is I just spent half an hour (more, probably. We've been up since before 7) reading travel blogs, so naturally, what I wanted to do was talk to you instead. (If you're bored, check out the 100 travel tips post from Travelettes from today- unless it was a rerun- #10 will make you laugh.)

First, the publishing meeting. Well, actually first the information that the interview for the development position never happened. On Friday, the guy emailed to say Monday was actually looking a little too busy, could I do Tuesday or Wednesday. I said no, that I was actually going to be out of town. (I had told him this already. Not that I think he should have remembered, I just want the record to show that I'd been upfront from before he'd told me to come in.) He said oh, right. When will you be back. I said I have a family obligation (not totally untrue) and that I'd be back the 13th. He never answered. I waited about 4 hours and sent another email. Just saying Hey, wanted to follow up. I'm happy to work with your timeline in any way I can, maybe we can skype? Stuff like that... He never answered. So that was mainly upsetting because of its rudeness I think. I mean contact had already been established. We'd talked on the phone. We'd emailed. It wouldn't have taken even a full minute to reply with a simple "Actually, we need someone sooner than that." I would have understood.

Now on to the publishing meeting. It was all for the best really because this gave me more time to pack in the morning and get on my way. Not enough time to eat breakfast or remember my camera apparently, but that's what you get when you pack last minute (Literally). I got there just in time. The building (Broadway between 55 and 56- awesome location from Queens sine it's like the third subway stop in Manhattan, but whatever) had books in the lobby all along the walls when you walked in. It was awesome. I signed in and brought my luggage up to the 8th floor where this girl, Karen, works. Normally, I would have thought this was too unprofessional. But she's a friend of a friend and a fellow religious Jew and I had discussed it with her beforehand, so it was fine.

There were books everywhere. And I mean, popular books. RandomHouse apparently publishes everything ever. So I'm walking past numerous copies of books i've read, grown up with. Books that have been turned into movies recently. Books that have won awards. Books that have sold hundreds of thousands of copies. She took me into an office that wasn't being used (covered in books- The Book Thief is a book you should read by the way, if you haven't already. We were in the office of the woman who had edited that book.) We talked for over an hour. She talked to me about different departments, which ones are a good foot in the door, things I should be learning more about, what skills she used, and what her day to day is like. Mercifully, she did not give me the frustratingly unhelpful answer of "Well, I like to say, every day here is different and that's what's so great about it." Tell me what you frickin' do dammit!

She was really helpful, and she clearly loves her job a lot. It sounds great actually. Less pressured than what I do now, flexible, creative, you get to read all day, your opinions get heard, it's collaborative. It sounds great. Because this is a big life decision, I'm a little wary of falling in love with her descriptions since she's so in love with the job. She was honest about the downsides, but I still feel like I need other perspectives. The main downside: Money. This is laughable since I made so little at Chopped, but I've moved up considerably since then and could probably get even more at my next gig depending on what that ends up being. But she has been there over a year and will be making her starting salary in the mid 30s for the foreseeable future. That's no-so-great, needless to say. And it's all fine and good to say that I'll try something and see if I like it, but this is the type of thing that's a long term career. You're putting in the work that will pay off in ten years' time maybe. Which is a good thing, in responsible adult world but a. scares the crap out of me, and b. What if I don't like it? How long do I stay until I know it's wrong? I mean with TV you can get a couple jobs for a few months each and gradually learn the industry. Not that I feel like I've cracked a fraction of it. But with a long term, full time job, you really need to put in the time to learn the industry and whatever. And it could be great, but it could also be two years from now before I know it and suddenly I'm 27 and still have no idea what I want to do with my life.

The most relevant downside: It's hard to break into. Her point- It's not like accounting where every year they hire 100 new employees. They only hire when they need someone, and it's competitive. She happens to have gotten lucky and fallen into a dream job. Children's and Young Adult at RandomHouse. I mean, it's heaven. But landing there, in that department is about the farthest thing that exists from a foregone conclusion. Especially when I'm competing with people who have actual publishing experience (although I do really think that my skills are pretty transferable to this career in a lot of ways- and having real work experience has to count for something, even if it's in the wrong industry)

I don't mean to focus on the negative here, since I did spend most of Monday, really, really focused on the positives. It sounds amazing. And I got free books. They have a whole wall of free books. As many books as you could ever want. All kinds of books. It was wonderful. She was saying she stops by that shelf before every Shabbos. I mean, I'm in love with the place. But I'm also in love with... whatever, The Good Wife, and where I landed in TV is nowhere near that, you know. And a career change is a big frickin deal. Starting from scratch is a big deal. Settling for less money when I really need to be moving out on my own is certainly a bigger deal that it would have been right out of college. Sometimes, you really do need to think practically. And while none of these things is a dealbreaker, they are things that need to be thought through. At a certain age (and I do realize this age isn't necessarily 25), you can't just "try whatever and see if you like it" at every moment without thinking it through. Although the flip side, is maybe I need a little less thinking through in my life.

How is it that I struggle forever trying to hit 2000 words in my novel and here I can get to 1500 without even thinking, and keep on going.

On to your post- I felt the same way about the Cabaret wiki. It totally made a lot of sense, like when you read the description for a ballet instead of just relying on your brain to  interpret the storyline. Yeah, no. Not going to work. I still like my illusion theory, and I think it works with what is actually going on. It's such a pretentious theory, but I still like it.

You must absolutely come for Shabbos again when I get back. We shall discuss! And actually, the holidays are mainly over if you're referring to Jewish holidays. The Jewish calendar month right now is called Cheshvan and its nickname is "Mar Cheshvan", which means "Bitter Cheshvan" because there are no holidays in the whole month and it's coming off of a month where there were so many (Tishrei, my birthday month.) The next month is Kislev (like Kiss-Layv), when we have Chanukah, but that's not until the 25th of the month. And here ends your Jewish calendar lesson. I hope you enjoyed it. But the bottom line is, yes, we'll figure out a time for a Shabbos visit.

I want to emphasize that the point of me sharing these stories of equally lost people is because I feel the exact same way, that I'm lost while other people know what's going on and seem to be managing at a higher, more functional level than I am. Which is why it is refreshing and a relief to find that that's not necessarily the case at all. I should do a poll or something of twenty somethings nationwide. I wonder how to go about doing that. It would be great to hear people's stories.

Hello from Hannahbear by the way. This morning, I started singing her a song where the words are basically "I love the Hannahbear" three times and then "She's so (cute, sweet, smart)" and I guess it's catchy since she's been singing it all morning and dancing around the living room. Here's a picture of her climbing through where the sink should be in her toy kitchen. Her reaction? "I stuck!"

Like a punch in the heart

I totally feel you about posting more (I realize I say this as I post in a delayed fashion), but still the time when we had almost daily posts was wonderful. It almost felt like we were living together again except in a more cyber way this time. (Not sure if cyber can be used as an adjective. Cyberspace?)
I get it thought, it is hard to make a commitment to something like this when there are a million other things going on like working, and not wanting to look at computer screens and all so I definitely do appreciate that you even post. I always loved communicating to people in this way and Im glad to have a friend I still do it with.

So before I move on to other things in your last post I wanted to tell you that I read the wiki for Cabaret and it really cleared up a lot of things from the show. Like how the host's songs were supposed to be commentary on the other things happening in the show, I feel like the only song I understood that for was the gorilla song. Also some of those alternate endings were pretty insane so Im glad they stuck to the one they did ( I also did not notice that the fence was supposed to be an electric fence until I read the wiki so that was interesting). I would say after reading the wiki I think the show is way more meaningful/powerful in its message but maybe when I had seen it on stage I was just like well this is depressing. Makes me wonder what my reaction would be to seeing something like Waiting for Godot on stage (did you ever have to read that in high school? If not its basically a play about existentialism where two men spend the entire play waiting for this man called Godot to come. He never comes.) Because you know when you're reading a book that's meant to be a classic you're prepared for some heavy stuff and to look for the deeper meaning behind things, but here I was really just prepared to see a cabaret so go figure.

How is your outline coming along! I really should have asked you this in person but its very exciting that you're attempting this again and I think you can accomplish it.

It's great to hear that you enjoyed your birthday! Birthday always make me stressful since I don't know the appropriate amount of excited I am supposed to get for it so I am always either under or over excited and then either way its a bit confusing when my birthday actually does come. But anyways I have not had a Fudgie so it will be on my list going forward. I have also never had your mom's RingDing cake so that will also be on my list going forward. Speaking of which, whenever you are back from St.Louis I would love to come for a Shabbos again if you will have me! I realize there are a few holidays coming up so no rush at all but it just feels like its been a while and it would be nice to come.

I would say my runner up for post title would be this: life is often about making choices where you just have to decide if the fun is worth the fallout. It reminds me of that quote that is often on buzzfeed about how when you get drunk you're really just borrowing tomorrow's happiness for today. But sometimes its just like you know tonight I just want to be extra happy.

When you are replying to this you will probably have already had your interview/the meeting with the RandomHouse girl so please let me know how those went! I totally get what you mean about your gut by the way. I feel like in college I had actual instincts and now half y instincts are really just ways for me to escape my current situation. So thats not fun. I think ultimately thought you have to keep reminding yourself of the person that you are and the things you like to do regardless of where you are (work, home, employed, unemployed, etc) and that will hopefully help sharpen those instincts. But really what do I know.

It's funny that you feel lost and you keep finding other people who feel the same way. For me it feels like I'm really lost but everyone around me doesn't seem lost at all. Either that or they are really really good at hiding it. I feel like Ive heard from about 5 people over the past week who are changing jobs. And maybe thats not really an indication of feeling un-lost but I guess for me its a just a feeling of being stuck while everyone else has found a way to move forward. I realize this is a ridiculous way to think since other people and what they do with their lives does not relate to me in any way. And really its not like I have zero things going on, I am trying. Things are moving along albeit at a snail's pace.

It is comforting to hear that other people out there feel this way though. And I totally do not think your notion that there is something out there you will love, is romanticized or just a Gen Y construct of fulfillment.I mean ok to a certain level it might be, but I feel like the things that separate us and our dream jobs is really just us finding out what we actually like to do. This kind of reminds me of a conversation I was having with a friend from work where he was telling me that he's a hopeless romantic and I was trying to tell him life doesn't always work that way and sometimes its about finding the magic in the ordinary moments of love. So maybe jobs are just like that too. Where maybe its not about finding a job where you're always like yes this is my passion in life and I love this all the time. Maybe its just about finding a balance where you do have those moments where you know you're in the right place and things just feel great,but also knowing that there will never be any job or person or situation where you love it all the time. I for one know there is a better place out there for me than where I currently am and don't want to give up or stop until I find it. But I do hope that when I do find it I keep all of what I just said in mind and also realize that happiness is not always what is outside of me but is also often times my perspective on things.

I kind of went off on a tangent there but what I really meant to say was I am really just as confused and I have no idea How one is supposed to know. So lets hope we figure that out at some point.