I thought I'd change it up from my usual metaphorical overdramatic statuses by stating a simple fact, or sometime fact because flowers don't always smell good sometimes they don't have a distinct smell.
But anyways I apologize for being so awful with writing in here it was mainly because I wanted to do justice to your last entry but then I thought maybe you didn't write that to elicit a response but more just to tell me in which case my reply need not have waited nearly as long. But I guess its just one of those things that really sucks that you have to deal with and what probably sucks most about it is watching someone you love go through something painful and yet not be able to do anything about it, and i dont even have to say anything about losing someone you love in that case. But anyways I'm really sorry and I hope you know I'm always here for you whenever you need anything or you dont even have to need it really you can just want it because thats ok too.
I hope you enjoyed thanksgiving, I literally did nothing. I slept till 1 on wednesday, the rest of the days I spent some quality time with my couch and bed and I saw one friend, sally the one who doesnt exist remember? except no really I saw her and I went shopping for a little bit on saturday to buy jen a present which ended by being harder than i realized.
I'm very excited to see you perform on wednesday I feel like its been a very long time since Iv seen you perform. Also i just feel like its been forever since iv seen you in general. Oh we changed the set up of our apt since Jen and I felt like we needed a change and Tarah took luna home for thanksgiving so it was the perfect time for it. Its nice actually it was a much needed change i think. It felt cathartic in a weird way.
I feel like I have a lot to talk about but I want it to be a conversation so I guess it will have to wait until wednesday. I will leave you with a corny joke : What's a mermaid's undergarment?
An algebra.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Monday, November 15, 2010
Baby, There's a Shark in the Water
Yes, that's right. I saw your video. You two have got some moves... I don't know how much I have to say right now, but it was getting ridiculous how long it's been since the last post. I wanted to keep this consistent. Fail. Anywhoooo.
Biggest news in my life right now is that my grandfather's wife (stepgrandmother) is dying. It's sad. And I'll cry at the funeral, but I'm really bad about being upset until others around me are. My mom keeps telling me how hard it's been on Sabrina and I keep having only a sympathetic "mmm" to offer. My mom too isn't freaking out. She never really got over the fact that Lorraine isn't her mother, which like, obviously but I mean in the sense that even though Lorraine welcomed us into her family, treats us with love and kindness, has been far more a part of my life than my Nana who died when I was 3, my mother has never let herself get too close to Lorraine. I myself have never really understood grandparents at all. Two died before my parents were married. One when I was 3. And my grandfather, well, he's an interesting man. Affection was never his strong suit I guess. He bought us nice gifts, pinched our cheeks, saw us on holidays, but I never felt that "grandparent/granddaughter" bond that my friends all seemed to have with at least one side of the family.
I sometimes wonder what it would have been like to grow up with all four of them. I think my dad's dad was a hard man probably. I don't know what kind of grandfather he would have been. He died before my cousin was born too. My cousin is ten years older than I am. He got a few years with my dad's mother before my parents were married. I've seen the pictures, heard the stories. By all accounts she was lovely. Sweet, loving, warm and affectionate. My mother really liked her. My Nana, well I'm pretty sure there are no bad stories about her. My mother was extremely close with her mother. I often say she was abnormally close with my Nana. I remember my Nana's smell, the sunkist and jelly fish that I got when I was at her house. I remember the spray air freshener dispensers in her house and the fun light switch in the room that was once my mother's. I cherish the dolls that were bought by her, but I don't really remember her at all. I think that hurts my mom. My sisters has such strong memories of her. All I have are stories. How I begged her for my American girl Molly. How I hid in the plastic blue laundry hamper after she died. I think I might remember that one actually, but it's possible that I just remember the hamper.
Growing up, I often attached myself to my friends' grandparents. The closest I ever got I think was Poppop, Allison's grandfather (and Mommom also). When poppop died last year, it was the hardest thing. Never having grandparents meant never losing them, and I had never experienced that loss. For weeks, I cried at every mention and thought of him and I hated it and my mom thought I was depressed (which is kind of a go-to thought for her anyway). I love Lorraine. I will miss her and I will be sad when she dies. But I'm afraid what emotions a funeral will bring back from last year. I always cry at funerals. I don't consider myself a person who is particularly in touch with her emotions, but when people tell those heart-crushing stories and they start to tear and their voice cracks. When people talk about their loved ones... I lose it. I don't know what it is. I don't know if the emotions are misplaced or repressed or both and not knowing that is unsettling to me. I know I said I didn't have a lot to say. I think I was wrong. Because I could keep going, but I'd really just like to stop crying before someone walks into the room and asks what's wrong.
Sorry for the sad post...
Biggest news in my life right now is that my grandfather's wife (stepgrandmother) is dying. It's sad. And I'll cry at the funeral, but I'm really bad about being upset until others around me are. My mom keeps telling me how hard it's been on Sabrina and I keep having only a sympathetic "mmm" to offer. My mom too isn't freaking out. She never really got over the fact that Lorraine isn't her mother, which like, obviously but I mean in the sense that even though Lorraine welcomed us into her family, treats us with love and kindness, has been far more a part of my life than my Nana who died when I was 3, my mother has never let herself get too close to Lorraine. I myself have never really understood grandparents at all. Two died before my parents were married. One when I was 3. And my grandfather, well, he's an interesting man. Affection was never his strong suit I guess. He bought us nice gifts, pinched our cheeks, saw us on holidays, but I never felt that "grandparent/granddaughter" bond that my friends all seemed to have with at least one side of the family.
I sometimes wonder what it would have been like to grow up with all four of them. I think my dad's dad was a hard man probably. I don't know what kind of grandfather he would have been. He died before my cousin was born too. My cousin is ten years older than I am. He got a few years with my dad's mother before my parents were married. I've seen the pictures, heard the stories. By all accounts she was lovely. Sweet, loving, warm and affectionate. My mother really liked her. My Nana, well I'm pretty sure there are no bad stories about her. My mother was extremely close with her mother. I often say she was abnormally close with my Nana. I remember my Nana's smell, the sunkist and jelly fish that I got when I was at her house. I remember the spray air freshener dispensers in her house and the fun light switch in the room that was once my mother's. I cherish the dolls that were bought by her, but I don't really remember her at all. I think that hurts my mom. My sisters has such strong memories of her. All I have are stories. How I begged her for my American girl Molly. How I hid in the plastic blue laundry hamper after she died. I think I might remember that one actually, but it's possible that I just remember the hamper.
Growing up, I often attached myself to my friends' grandparents. The closest I ever got I think was Poppop, Allison's grandfather (and Mommom also). When poppop died last year, it was the hardest thing. Never having grandparents meant never losing them, and I had never experienced that loss. For weeks, I cried at every mention and thought of him and I hated it and my mom thought I was depressed (which is kind of a go-to thought for her anyway). I love Lorraine. I will miss her and I will be sad when she dies. But I'm afraid what emotions a funeral will bring back from last year. I always cry at funerals. I don't consider myself a person who is particularly in touch with her emotions, but when people tell those heart-crushing stories and they start to tear and their voice cracks. When people talk about their loved ones... I lose it. I don't know what it is. I don't know if the emotions are misplaced or repressed or both and not knowing that is unsettling to me. I know I said I didn't have a lot to say. I think I was wrong. Because I could keep going, but I'd really just like to stop crying before someone walks into the room and asks what's wrong.
Sorry for the sad post...
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
In the eye of the hurricane
So I thought now would be a good time to write in this since I had a crazy past couple of days and tonight is my one break before things are back to crazy againt tommorrow. Aah life. I was just thinking about how I have not had any time to figure out my classes and I register like on tuesday nbd. I should do that..
But going back to your dilemma, or going there since I never went there in the first place I think that the whole city internship thing is definitely a risk, its something unlike anything youve done and youre pretty much setting yourself up for one hell of a semester. But that being said it sounds like an amazing opportunity. I think you should go with your gut, and I know thats lame and not a straight answer but at the end of the day I think you do know whats right for you as you always have and youll make the right decision. And you know I think everything happens for a reason so even if it ends up being not so ideal then its a learning experience and something will come out of it regardless.
So its a lot easier for me to think about all this when Im not crazy about things in my own life lol. Which so far so good but the future looks bleak. I cant believe how fast everything is going by, its like I have no sense of time at all anymore. The way this semester has been zooming by is complete insanity. Its like every week starts off and before I know its its thursday night. Its probabaly because my days are so packed now its just running from one place to another. And also because I dont have a school night where I have no meeting. Its been interesting and Im scared to think what next semester will be like and hell what next year will be like because for some reason that seems like an even scaries prospect. But really though, we JUST started 2010...it cant be almost over already..it just cant! yea yea what else is new.
So I was thinking when we live in london we could maybe have a cat. Iv always been against pets but Luna is really not that bad and as long as I dont have to do anything Im ok with it lol. And can we live in a place that ends in shire, or maybe just a street that ends in shire? just a thought. Id also be ok with abbey. You think it over.
But going back to your dilemma, or going there since I never went there in the first place I think that the whole city internship thing is definitely a risk, its something unlike anything youve done and youre pretty much setting yourself up for one hell of a semester. But that being said it sounds like an amazing opportunity. I think you should go with your gut, and I know thats lame and not a straight answer but at the end of the day I think you do know whats right for you as you always have and youll make the right decision. And you know I think everything happens for a reason so even if it ends up being not so ideal then its a learning experience and something will come out of it regardless.
So its a lot easier for me to think about all this when Im not crazy about things in my own life lol. Which so far so good but the future looks bleak. I cant believe how fast everything is going by, its like I have no sense of time at all anymore. The way this semester has been zooming by is complete insanity. Its like every week starts off and before I know its its thursday night. Its probabaly because my days are so packed now its just running from one place to another. And also because I dont have a school night where I have no meeting. Its been interesting and Im scared to think what next semester will be like and hell what next year will be like because for some reason that seems like an even scaries prospect. But really though, we JUST started 2010...it cant be almost over already..it just cant! yea yea what else is new.
So I was thinking when we live in london we could maybe have a cat. Iv always been against pets but Luna is really not that bad and as long as I dont have to do anything Im ok with it lol. And can we live in a place that ends in shire, or maybe just a street that ends in shire? just a thought. Id also be ok with abbey. You think it over.
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