Yes, that's right. I saw your video. You two have got some moves... I don't know how much I have to say right now, but it was getting ridiculous how long it's been since the last post. I wanted to keep this consistent. Fail. Anywhoooo.
Biggest news in my life right now is that my grandfather's wife (stepgrandmother) is dying. It's sad. And I'll cry at the funeral, but I'm really bad about being upset until others around me are. My mom keeps telling me how hard it's been on Sabrina and I keep having only a sympathetic "mmm" to offer. My mom too isn't freaking out. She never really got over the fact that Lorraine isn't her mother, which like, obviously but I mean in the sense that even though Lorraine welcomed us into her family, treats us with love and kindness, has been far more a part of my life than my Nana who died when I was 3, my mother has never let herself get too close to Lorraine. I myself have never really understood grandparents at all. Two died before my parents were married. One when I was 3. And my grandfather, well, he's an interesting man. Affection was never his strong suit I guess. He bought us nice gifts, pinched our cheeks, saw us on holidays, but I never felt that "grandparent/granddaughter" bond that my friends all seemed to have with at least one side of the family.
I sometimes wonder what it would have been like to grow up with all four of them. I think my dad's dad was a hard man probably. I don't know what kind of grandfather he would have been. He died before my cousin was born too. My cousin is ten years older than I am. He got a few years with my dad's mother before my parents were married. I've seen the pictures, heard the stories. By all accounts she was lovely. Sweet, loving, warm and affectionate. My mother really liked her. My Nana, well I'm pretty sure there are no bad stories about her. My mother was extremely close with her mother. I often say she was abnormally close with my Nana. I remember my Nana's smell, the sunkist and jelly fish that I got when I was at her house. I remember the spray air freshener dispensers in her house and the fun light switch in the room that was once my mother's. I cherish the dolls that were bought by her, but I don't really remember her at all. I think that hurts my mom. My sisters has such strong memories of her. All I have are stories. How I begged her for my American girl Molly. How I hid in the plastic blue laundry hamper after she died. I think I might remember that one actually, but it's possible that I just remember the hamper.
Growing up, I often attached myself to my friends' grandparents. The closest I ever got I think was Poppop, Allison's grandfather (and Mommom also). When poppop died last year, it was the hardest thing. Never having grandparents meant never losing them, and I had never experienced that loss. For weeks, I cried at every mention and thought of him and I hated it and my mom thought I was depressed (which is kind of a go-to thought for her anyway). I love Lorraine. I will miss her and I will be sad when she dies. But I'm afraid what emotions a funeral will bring back from last year. I always cry at funerals. I don't consider myself a person who is particularly in touch with her emotions, but when people tell those heart-crushing stories and they start to tear and their voice cracks. When people talk about their loved ones... I lose it. I don't know what it is. I don't know if the emotions are misplaced or repressed or both and not knowing that is unsettling to me. I know I said I didn't have a lot to say. I think I was wrong. Because I could keep going, but I'd really just like to stop crying before someone walks into the room and asks what's wrong.
Sorry for the sad post...
No comments:
Post a Comment