YES to this weekend!

YAY! So exciting. My mom made some mention of potentially having company for Saturday lunch or having people over in the afternoon, but that shouldn't affect you either way. Also, more than likely it won't end up happening. If it does though, you'll get to meet people from the neighborhood. Let me know the details (As always if you stay Saturday night we can do something. Not sure if there is anything July 5th-y going on, but I could find out. Of course, any amount of hours is good, so no pressure.)

Thank you for liking all of my photos. It's been years I think since I uploaded photos to Facebook. It's incredible how the software isn't any better. It still froze a million times during the upload. To be fair, the file sizes are large but still. Anyway do you ever feel like it's more fun to post things to strangers (i.e. blog) than to Facebook friends? It seems weird to presume that people I barely talk to care where I've been or how cute my niece is. As opposed to posting them for anyone to find if they decide to be interested. I guess they are kind of the same, but they feel different somehow.

I'm sorry to hear about India not being amazing for the entire time. Were there record heats or something or was it just your perception of it? I'm sure being sick couldn't have helped. I was a little sick toward the end of St. Louis too and it's finally going away I think (though it's turned from a cold into a permanent headache- I'll let you know if it interferes with the weekend, but I think (hope) it'll be fine.) I'm glad to hear it was worth it in the end though. And at least you got some time away. It's nice coming back and feeling like you've been away. I find it's much worse when it feels like I slip back into life and nothing has changed at all. June really did fly by though, which is scary and depressing. Time is an interesting thing, as always.

I will message my Danish and Swedish friends tomorrow and see their thoughts on what would be a plausible one-week vacation. My mom and sister are trying to book a trip for them to come in for August, so I'm waiting to see what those dates will be. My sister wanted to come the first week in August, but my mom wants it to be later and no matter how many times I chime in with what is convenient for me, I don't think anyone cares. So yeah. Hopefully that'll be resolved this week.

No judgment on the Netflix thing, I understand. But do let me know when you finish We Were Liars. It's a pretty quick one. I also want you to read Red Rising- I read a blurb on it recently that reminded me some of the things I liked about it, and now I want to discuss it.

Excited to see you! have a good night (or morning?)

This has been on my mind all week

So the moment I saw this I meant to respond to it but something came up and then I was going to respond the next day but my laptop was out of battery and the charger was all the way downstairs and that obstacle has kept me from responding this long. I am ashamed.

St.Louis sounds like fun! Hannahbear is the cutest I especially love the picture of her in the plane and the one of her staring into a wall ( I dont know why I love this but I do. Love is a complicated thing). It also really makes me excited for when I have a niece or nephew of my own although my sister seems to be in no rush.

India was good, it was really really hot. Like pretty much the hottest Ive ever been in my life and I feel I have been hot at many points in my life. It's weird how every time I go to India I have a completely different experience, like even though Im staying at the same place, visiting the same people, and more or less doing the same things its still like each trip is very unique and has a flavor all its own. Unfortunately this trip wasnt my favorite. I feel really bad and guilty saying that because I went all that way to surprise my grandma ( and she was really happy I came so it was definitely worth going), but something was just off. Like the weather was too hot and I couldn't eat anything and then I got sick which made everything worse. But being there that last day for my grandma's birthday function and seeing my whole family just together made it all worth it (sounds like the ending to a cheesy movie I know). The weirdest part is that when I went a whole month for my sister's wedding it was June too so it shouldve been the same weather but that time I barely noticed.

Anyways, it was still nice to have a break from everyday life and it definitely made the whole month of June fly by because the week before I left I was all frazzled for my trip and this past week that Ive been back Ive just been in a daze. Like even though I was only gone for a week I felt like Ive been gone for a month and everything seemed brand new to me. Even the songs on my playlist that  I was tired of listening to a week ago felt like those good old songs I used to love back in the day.

So I was looking into Scandinavia and I am soo on board it look amazing! I just think Norway, Sweden and Denmark might be a little bit ambitious because there is a ton to see in Norway alone. If we are doing Norway I would definitely want to see a couple cities and hike a fjord or two so I think that alone would take a week but if we are doing Sweden and Denmark that might be doable. Im not really sure as Im not really any expert on any of this so probably best to ask someone who knows or read a Fodor's book or something. Either way it looks beyond amazing and I hope it works out! I remember you telling me about your Sweden friend ( well you didnt tell me she was a Swede but you did tell me you guys had lots of random stuff in common like napping on the couch).

Thank you for the ebooks! Im currently reading we were liars and will slowly make my way through the rest of them although I have to confess ever since I figured out I can watch netflix on my phone during my commute home Ive kind of put a halt on reading (again I am ashamed), but eventually I will back into it...you know like when the signal is bad.

Also Im still not doing anything for July 4th weekend so if youre free as well I can come on Saturday! If not no pressure we still have time.

Miss you!

-Monisha

You need to go through every emotion before you can get to your destination

Sorry that you are so much better at replying quickly. Also, thank you for being so much better at replying quickly.

GREETINGS FROM SUNNY ST. LOUIS!

Hope you're enjoying India. I'm a having a blast with Hannahbear and I got my camera today!!! Here are some lovely pictures:

They were taking at Max's work party that we went to today. It was at his company's hangar and she was playing in the plane. She is so funny and has so much personality. She was moving the steering wheel yelling "I'm the captain!" She makes us watch the music video for 'Happy' eighteen times a day, dances along with it, and then says "Happy Song again?" I was killing time with her in a hallway outside my sister's doctor's office and she kept lifting a leg and saying "I'm a ballerina!" I have a million little anecdotes, and every day brings even more which really warms my heart.

In terms of traveling I was thinking we can try and do Scandinavia- Norway, Sweden, Denmark- if possible. I think I'll try and get in touch with my writing friend in Denmark and ask her if she thinks that's possible. I also have a friend that lived in Sweden most of her life and married a Swede, and I can maybe ask her, but I didn't go to her wedding on Memorial Day and haven't spoken to her since. It was really impractical (Delaware) and I had so much up in the air and all the stuff with my mom etc. And she said it was fine, but I don't know. Maybe it's just my impression of what's happening because I feel a little guilty. We met at Chopped but she left last June and I've basically seen her twice since then, so I didn't feel we were so close, but maybe she felt differently. 

So anyway, yeah, we should look into Scandinavia when we both get home. How is India? How is your grandmother and the rest of your family? Is it nice being away? Is it a million degrees? I'd love to here about it. 

And yes! I do like your blog. I meant to elaborate on my feelings when I saw you at dinner last week, but I forgot and we were talking about so many other things. I love having a window into your mind. It's like all those little stream of consciousness thoughts I miss out on not seeing you often and not living with you anymore are there for me to read now. And then are interesting and challenging too!

Did you get the ebooks I sent you before you left? I hope so. Or I hope they come in handy at some point. That's all I got for now. I'm too tired for the angst right now. It's nice to be able to put them on hold at least a little bit while I'm in St. Louis, although Sabrina is anxious about similar future planning insecurities, so that doesn't help. It's interesting trying to analyze the source of anxieties we both share though. I want a deep ending, but all I keep thinking is my neck hurts. So. Goodnight!

I was seriously waiting for a Bowl all week

Like all week I kept feeling that there would be a bowl happening real soon, and was just waiting. I don't know why I couldn't have written two posts in a row but that just didnt feel like the right thing to do. It also reminds me of this episode of Boy Meets World (did you ever watch that because I feel we never talked about it) where Mr.Feeny says, in Guttenburg's day people used to wait six months just to get their hands on a book. In your generation  you have a new website every six seconds. I don't know why this part of wisdom Mr. Feeny imparted has stuck with me for so long but I thought I would share.

It stinks you had a stressful day, but I didn't find your post overly pessimistic if that helps at all ( I dont know why it would since that day has passed but eh)

That's so cool that you called Jen, if anything I think its the kind of thing she would appreciate. And I get you, my uncle has had two expensive cameras that he has lost before so its important not to break it. But judging from how you normally take care of your things I feel you will be fine and not break it. That being said its an important purchase and its totally normal to take your time with it.

I get your anxiety about blogs and diaries too, I never felt accountable with my diaries because I knew nobody would ever read it or care (except future me and clearly I never cared too much about future me's opinion). And I always get really anxious too when I have to be witty because of course then everything I say just sounds dumb to me so this is just better all around.

I still feel like someone from germany is avidly following our life stories. Maybe we will be the concept of a german movie one day. Who knows.

I feel there is never really a good time to get a haircut. Like on days when I have a random couple hours to spare the last thing I want to do is spend it getting a haircut. And then there's the anxiety of having my hair blown out and not being able to use it on a special occasion. Like what do I look so nice for? Monday?!

Your pessimism/realism about London sounds incredibly natural to me. I also kept thinking of Suite Life of Zach and Cody during your post for some reason. But anyways, I think its so so exciting that it seems impossible( I apoligize for being excited about your anxiety however I just feel like this is just one of those things that's going to make it into your book someday where you'll be telling people how you believed it was impossible and you felt defeated but look, you made it happen and here you are! [you will be in London when you are narrating this fyi]). And ofcourse it seems crazy and impossible now but that's only because you don't know how the story ends yet and you don't know what avenue is going to be the right one. Ultimately this is just a step on the way to success and you need to go through every emotion before you can get to your destination. I'd say for now don't necessarily think about a backup plan because while yes that might be realistic I think this is one of those things where you just kind of have to have faith that it's going to work out. I think that faith will help it work out.

Also as a side note I absolutely loved this line of your post "London feels right but try telling london that"

I can't really ever decide if I want to be realistic or optimistic either, Id like to believe Im both but they really do butt heads sometimes and then I just feel awkward.

Also to traveling--> YES! Seriously, anytime anywhere I am more than down, and sure if London is what works out then I will most definitely come to london. I would just request we look at early to mid august as Im going away again in September but hey who knows maybe I will be in between jobs then and it wont matter. This is me being optimistic by the way because I feel Im not making any real efforts towards job hunting but right now Im not really supposed to be. I dont know why but I just feel like I need to cool down and wait a month before I can get back into it and get my head on straight.

Kind of along the same lines, Im going to India next week! I know i know, its very sudden and its that way for me too. Basically I had zero plans of going anywhere but my grandma is turning 80( which she always was that wasn't the surprise part), and theres this like function for me and at first nobody was going then my mom decided she had to go for her mom and she was like ( to me and my sister) you guys should come too so that all her grandchildren can be there and surprise her and I just couldnt think of a reason why not. Thankfully my manager is great and is letting me work from there so Im leaving next friday and coming back the weekend after so it turned out to be a great fun impromptu trip. I'm just hoping working and everything goes according to plan but recently Iv been feeling like I shouldnt let unnessecary fears rule my life and instead I should just live and hope for the best.  It's like sometimes Ill be driving or walking at night time and Ill think of all the terrible things that could possibly happen to me and while its good to be cautious its just silly to be worried about things that arent even happening. Its so not being present to your situation and what is actually happening to you. Like instead of enjoying my nice quiet time I'm just filling it up with fears in my head that aren't needed. So yea I'm going to try and work on cutting that out.

The email from Chopped seems just unnesscary to your life at this point. I dont know how else to put it. What I would say is don't stress about owing her anything. This is actually something that women do a lot where we tie things like jobs to our emotions when really yea she gave you those jobs but guess what? You did work! It's silly to think that she didn't benefit at all from you doing those jobs. And if you have a gut feeling that it's not what's meant for you then just be honest and say youre not interested in coming back so soon. Ultimately she will be thankful that you've contributed and done great work up until now.

I'm so glad you like my blog ( like honestly I was itching for someone to tell me whether it was working or not). Im trying to make it as honest and me as possible because thats kind of the whole point of it. I think it's .com, Im just using the free version, hopefully Ill figure out how to make it look better soon but for now I focus on content which is basically whatever comes into my mind at any point in the day.

As for coming saturday how is June 28? Thats the first one Im back from India and would love to see you then! Miss you too! And Im so glad we are doing this more often! I love writing out everything I'm feeling just knowing that you'll get what Im saying without any further explanation.

I'm having a stressed day.

I'm just calling it like it is. Also I think that just kind of gives a lens through which to view this post, so that if it ends up being negative, we can blame it on that- a stressed day, not really a stressful day to be fair. (Also, I like how we always explain the titles.)

I didn't buy a camera yet, but I do think that I will soon, I'm just trying to sort out prices a little more. I randomly called Jen last Sunday to ask her opinions about lenses and I'm sure that was really weird, but she was nice as always anyway, and helpful too which was great. I'm still anxious about getting it. I know in the long run it's not that big of a deal, but I don't want to feel pressure to use it enough to "make it worth it" and I don't want to always be worried about breaking it- which I am. Sigh.

I love being able to write my feelings
        a. without worrying about who is reading it or if it's intelligent or witty enough to put out as 'my writing' (GASP). That's always been my problem with blogs. Overanalysis. As always.
        b. knowing that you are reading it. I've always had issues with diaries because no one reads them. And also I'm always imagining someone will come across it so I have to make sure it makes sense and every thought is properly qualified and explained etc. It's sick. I know.

And it's all pretty funny since this blog is public and technically anyone can stumble across it. Not that anyone I know really even knows what blogspot is, let alone goes on a surfs it. So the likelihood of someone I know finding it is fairly small.

Thank you for our nostalgia perpetuating bit about nostalgia. It does make me more nostalgic, but it's also a lovely thought and therefore worth it.

It seems like no matter how I try to make my time productive it just doesn't work. It's not entirely my fault. I've had a lot of doctors to go to and it has taken up an absurd amount of time. And then there are errands and this week was a holiday. Plus there are the things that you keep thinking you need to do and it's just like WHEN- like shopping for new clothes or getting a haircut. It's really crazy that I don't feel relaxed being off, and it's partially my state of mind, but also actually business I think.

I also have had a few of these burst of pessimism about London, which is contributing to my mood. Sometimes is just seems impossible. And I try to tell myself that it's silly to feel defeated without even coming close to exhausting options, but realism and optimism are constantly battling for my attention. It's exhausting and I can't even decide which one I want in my life anyway. Not they are always mutually exclusive.

London feels right, but try telling London that. If it gets to the end of June and still nothing then what? Look for a place to live (this thought depresses me)? I don't want to miss out on travelling with you because of London, so I was thinking depending on how your daily summer schedule is going, that perhaps we could discuss tentative travel plans for August if you are interested. I'd love to do something even if London doesn't work out. More than treating myself to a camera, I think what I want is a different experience and some new perspective. (Though a camera would certainly be good if I do go traveling.)

So, obviously it makes me nervous to book something this far in advance, but I thought if you're still interested maybe we can discuss it a little. If something does work out for me with London, then you can use that time to come visit me instead! This is just spitballing, I understand if you think it's not at all practical. Let me know :)

Another part of the stress is this email I found when I turned on my computer after the holiday last night. It's a group email from my Chopped boss that reads:

It's probably not a surprise, but I do hear rumors of Chopped continuing late summer/early fall.  Loe says, as before, perhaps a small team starts mid to late August and then a full team in swing in Sept.

So, i'm doing a check in to see who is interested/available in coming back, any caveats, etc.  I am putting together a list for Loe, so please respond either way by end of day Friday if you can.  

Ideally you'd be on first refusal for Chopped if timing works.

Thanks and look forward to hearing from you!

First refusal is I believe something she invented since it doesn't seem to make any practical sense. What it means is: You commit to hypothetical Chopped, assuming this all works out, and you let us know before you take something else even though we are guaranteeing you nothing. Right of first refusal is actually a thing, but I'm pretty sure it means something a lot more logical. 

The email stressed me out for a number of reasons. 

1. I've been gone less than two weeks! How is POSSIBLE that we are having this conversation
2. August is both too soon and too far away for me to commit to. What if I'm offered something in July that goes for a while? What then? 
3. If I were to go back it would only be as a step higher, which I'm sure I would be, with a salary bump, and even then I was hoping to have at least one job in between to gain some leverage for salary and position when I go back
4. I'm not even sure I want to go back, because I want to diversify and try different things, and I'm not sure going back is the best move. I don't want to be pigeonholed in Food TV or Casting. I haven't explored nearly enough yet. This is my gut, but saying no to a job, especially one that's been theoretically good to you, is scary
5. How do you even go about saying no? Or saying I can't be sure right now? And you want an answer by Friday? 

The guilt I'm feeling about coming off as ungrateful seems a little unhealthy to me, but I think that's part of the weird relationship I have with my boss. I don't think it's true that I don't owe her anything because she gave me my first, like, four jobs and I'm extremely grateful for that. But that doesn't mean I owe her my life in servitude. I know this is obvious and doesn't even need your confirmation or agreement because it's ridiculous, but sometimes people grab hold of you I guess. This makes me think even more that going back right now (not ever, just right now) is not a good idea. I need to find my own footing. And something that I can see myself doing more longterm!

I love your blog! It's like more of Bowl because it's insight into your thoughts and whims on any given day. And I don't blame you for switching to wordpress. If I end up starting Snarky Girl, I plan to do the same. Are you using .com or .org?

I will have you any saturday you are willing to come!!! Or any day! Really! Tell me when!!! Miss you. Thanks for always making me feel better just by the simple idea that you are at the other end of the screen.