I'm having a stressed day.

I'm just calling it like it is. Also I think that just kind of gives a lens through which to view this post, so that if it ends up being negative, we can blame it on that- a stressed day, not really a stressful day to be fair. (Also, I like how we always explain the titles.)

I didn't buy a camera yet, but I do think that I will soon, I'm just trying to sort out prices a little more. I randomly called Jen last Sunday to ask her opinions about lenses and I'm sure that was really weird, but she was nice as always anyway, and helpful too which was great. I'm still anxious about getting it. I know in the long run it's not that big of a deal, but I don't want to feel pressure to use it enough to "make it worth it" and I don't want to always be worried about breaking it- which I am. Sigh.

I love being able to write my feelings
        a. without worrying about who is reading it or if it's intelligent or witty enough to put out as 'my writing' (GASP). That's always been my problem with blogs. Overanalysis. As always.
        b. knowing that you are reading it. I've always had issues with diaries because no one reads them. And also I'm always imagining someone will come across it so I have to make sure it makes sense and every thought is properly qualified and explained etc. It's sick. I know.

And it's all pretty funny since this blog is public and technically anyone can stumble across it. Not that anyone I know really even knows what blogspot is, let alone goes on a surfs it. So the likelihood of someone I know finding it is fairly small.

Thank you for our nostalgia perpetuating bit about nostalgia. It does make me more nostalgic, but it's also a lovely thought and therefore worth it.

It seems like no matter how I try to make my time productive it just doesn't work. It's not entirely my fault. I've had a lot of doctors to go to and it has taken up an absurd amount of time. And then there are errands and this week was a holiday. Plus there are the things that you keep thinking you need to do and it's just like WHEN- like shopping for new clothes or getting a haircut. It's really crazy that I don't feel relaxed being off, and it's partially my state of mind, but also actually business I think.

I also have had a few of these burst of pessimism about London, which is contributing to my mood. Sometimes is just seems impossible. And I try to tell myself that it's silly to feel defeated without even coming close to exhausting options, but realism and optimism are constantly battling for my attention. It's exhausting and I can't even decide which one I want in my life anyway. Not they are always mutually exclusive.

London feels right, but try telling London that. If it gets to the end of June and still nothing then what? Look for a place to live (this thought depresses me)? I don't want to miss out on travelling with you because of London, so I was thinking depending on how your daily summer schedule is going, that perhaps we could discuss tentative travel plans for August if you are interested. I'd love to do something even if London doesn't work out. More than treating myself to a camera, I think what I want is a different experience and some new perspective. (Though a camera would certainly be good if I do go traveling.)

So, obviously it makes me nervous to book something this far in advance, but I thought if you're still interested maybe we can discuss it a little. If something does work out for me with London, then you can use that time to come visit me instead! This is just spitballing, I understand if you think it's not at all practical. Let me know :)

Another part of the stress is this email I found when I turned on my computer after the holiday last night. It's a group email from my Chopped boss that reads:

It's probably not a surprise, but I do hear rumors of Chopped continuing late summer/early fall.  Loe says, as before, perhaps a small team starts mid to late August and then a full team in swing in Sept.

So, i'm doing a check in to see who is interested/available in coming back, any caveats, etc.  I am putting together a list for Loe, so please respond either way by end of day Friday if you can.  

Ideally you'd be on first refusal for Chopped if timing works.

Thanks and look forward to hearing from you!

First refusal is I believe something she invented since it doesn't seem to make any practical sense. What it means is: You commit to hypothetical Chopped, assuming this all works out, and you let us know before you take something else even though we are guaranteeing you nothing. Right of first refusal is actually a thing, but I'm pretty sure it means something a lot more logical. 

The email stressed me out for a number of reasons. 

1. I've been gone less than two weeks! How is POSSIBLE that we are having this conversation
2. August is both too soon and too far away for me to commit to. What if I'm offered something in July that goes for a while? What then? 
3. If I were to go back it would only be as a step higher, which I'm sure I would be, with a salary bump, and even then I was hoping to have at least one job in between to gain some leverage for salary and position when I go back
4. I'm not even sure I want to go back, because I want to diversify and try different things, and I'm not sure going back is the best move. I don't want to be pigeonholed in Food TV or Casting. I haven't explored nearly enough yet. This is my gut, but saying no to a job, especially one that's been theoretically good to you, is scary
5. How do you even go about saying no? Or saying I can't be sure right now? And you want an answer by Friday? 

The guilt I'm feeling about coming off as ungrateful seems a little unhealthy to me, but I think that's part of the weird relationship I have with my boss. I don't think it's true that I don't owe her anything because she gave me my first, like, four jobs and I'm extremely grateful for that. But that doesn't mean I owe her my life in servitude. I know this is obvious and doesn't even need your confirmation or agreement because it's ridiculous, but sometimes people grab hold of you I guess. This makes me think even more that going back right now (not ever, just right now) is not a good idea. I need to find my own footing. And something that I can see myself doing more longterm!

I love your blog! It's like more of Bowl because it's insight into your thoughts and whims on any given day. And I don't blame you for switching to wordpress. If I end up starting Snarky Girl, I plan to do the same. Are you using .com or .org?

I will have you any saturday you are willing to come!!! Or any day! Really! Tell me when!!! Miss you. Thanks for always making me feel better just by the simple idea that you are at the other end of the screen.