I'm going to write back right away.

I was thinking that so I thought that should be the title.

Woo hoo for new beginnings ( I was going to say endings but this sounds better). I totally get you on getting all nostalgic when you're about to leave somewhere. I was thinking how I'd be all sad when its time for me to leave even though I desperately do want to move on. I actually read a great quote about this that captures this so well, I dont recall the exact words but it's something like when you're about to leave something you suddenly start missing everything, the people, the space, everything and it's not really about those specific things at all but really the thing that youre really leaving behind is the kind of person you were at this time and place. Like during this episode of youre life you were Jenna who worked for Chopped, and thats what you're really leaving behind.

So totally didnt mean to make you even more nostalgic with that but thought I would share.

Definitely make your time valuable! In an attempt to make more sense of my life and find happiness I have made a spreadsheet of every day this summer and have been filling it up with plans/goals, etc. I think the type A in me really kind of gets excited when I see all my plans written out like that. That and I know Im doing something and it forces me to take a good look at the days in the summer and try to make the most of them. So yes, make lists and goals and do all of them because in the end no matter how many things go wrong, for things like jobs or london we only need one thing to go right and we're set.

Eleanor & Park was great. I couldnt put it down once I started and its been a while since Iv found a book like that.  You're definitely right that its beauty was in its simplicity which is so rare to find in today's day and age. The quote from the book I loved was "She never looked nice. She looked like art and art wasn't supposed to look nice. It was supposed to make you feel something."

I am becoming a big softie. That or I have my moments.

My job search is going. I've definitely calmed down in that while Im still trying and applying I'm starting to accept that there is only so much I can control and do and the rest is playing the waiting game. When I am meant to move onto that next chapter it will happen ( as long as Im making every effort to make it happen thats the best I can hope for). I have a phone screen for something on thursday so hopefully that goes well!

The spec script is amazing, it's more my friend writing it to be honest, shes really great at the execution part. I'm helping out more on the ideation part, I can come up with funny scenarios and ideas but I never really know how to carry them through. If you do decide to write one I highly recommend plotbot.com

In other news Im also attempting to start a blog to document all things I find awesome so when I do get in a slump I have something to look back on to assure myself that my life has meaning. I started it like a day ago so its nothing yet but its http://monishashivakumar.wordpress.com/ in case you are interested =). (Yes im cheating on blogspot with wordpress, I can't help it blogspot is blocked on my work computer).

Keep me posted and have a great time in St.Louis! I hope we can find a weekend soon to catch up ( I can come over a random sat in June/July if you'll have me!) I miss you!

I've had a post-it called "BOWL" on my computer for a week...

Buuuut I kept forgetting anyway. Greetings from the other side!!! Of employment that is. I finished up at Chopped last Friday. It was really weird and sad. My desk was in this corner that was kind of my space for 15 months and it felt strange just emptying it out. Also growing up I always got really sad whenever school ended, even in the years where I didn't even like school. And even though it did drag on and was boring at times, Chopped was a really good experience and I had a great time there for a while, so it makes sense that it was sad to leave.

Moving on, I am determined to make this time off valuable. I have doctor appointments up the wazoo (sp?) this week and next, and already have some plans, but my downtime will be London time. I'm going to make sure that by the time July rolls around, if nothing with London has happened, I at least know I really REALLY tried. And so far so good. I applied to 4 jobs today in addition to a multitude of errands and doctors, so yay! It feels good to be putting in effort.

I also booked a trip to St. Louis for a week (June 18th to 24th) which is so exciting. Every time Hannahbear sees me on video chat she yells "It's Jenna!!!"

How good was Eleanor & Park?? You teared up a few times?? You're becoming a softee! Or a sensi! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qDyHD3LoiPQ In any case I completely agree that its beauty was in its simplicity. What quote was in it that is one of your favorites? Your next assignment is a book called We Were Liars. It will take you no time at all to read. Advice: Don't read the reviews. It's the kind of book that's better the less you know about it.

How is your job search going? Anything come along? How is the spec script? Sounds like fun! I should do that one of these days.

I want your help with something. I'd like to start a blog (Again? Okay, okay...) The idea originally came from the idea of keeping a blog going if/when I go to London. Then I expanded to wondering if having it going now would help with the search. Like the Lego intern girl (In case you never saw it). So I need help with names and ideas and all that :) Current leader that I'm not 100% sure about:
- SnarkyGirl (In London, Goes to London, London...)

Other thoughts that I'm not crazy about:
- Liberty in London
- Millenial in London
- Twentysomething in London
- CurlyGirl London

I feel like I need something broader since it's pre-london and in case london doesn't come through and I want to keep it going. I also like the idea of SnarkyGirl or Curly girl because it's makes for easy branding. Ie, I am SnarkyGirl, my Twitter handle will be something like that, I can work it into the voice of my blog etc.

So yeah let me know your thoughts and write back soon! <3

I pretty much only believe you

I definitely get what you mean about the whole picking up where you left off with no effort at all thing. This one quote I like goes like, the best friends can grow up without growing apart and I really think that's true. It kind of makes you realize you were in sync with all along and who was just kind of there because they fit in well with your schedule and life. I remember reading this one article when I was 13 about "fair-weather friends" aka friends who are there when everything is ok and you just kind of need someone to talk to about how you don't want to go to the gym or how you really should not have had that extra cookie last night but when it comes to sharing real stuff it just kind of feels off. I think I know now to tell the difference and also to accept that you kind of need those kind of people in your life too because if I randomly started texting people I haven't talked to in weeks about cookies they may not get it. Also, we were roommates so I feel like that automatically makes us better than just friends because we've had to put up with each other through way more than just normal friends would.

So happy to hear you're leaving CHOPPED (Im tempted to write CHOPT but I know thats the salad place and not your show, or is it?). I know you've wanted to for a while now and its clear you were getting horrendously underpaid so good for you. Also exciting to hear you have plans that will prevent you from going back because we always need that extra assurance to prevent us from falling back into the things we know and are comfortable with even if deep down we know its not good for us.

I've been keeping a steady stream of applying and networking and emailing recruiters every week so I hope at some point all this comes back to me and things happen. I guess the funny thing is regardless of how many you do or how many people you reach out to, you really just need one to work out but that one has to be great all around because otherwise whats the point. I guess it's like that in a lot of things though, you're always just looking for the one.

I finished reading Eleanor and Park, I must be having an emotional week because it made me tear up at quite a few parts but I really did like it a lot even though ( or maybe because) it was such a simple story. I was also happy to see that one of my favorite quotes was from the book which made me think that I should go back and read the book again to see what other awesome quotes I could find from it.

Anyways keep me posted on your progress! I'm helping one of my friends write a sample script for the Mindy Project right now and its really fun! Shes mostly doing the writing with me pitching scenarios and ideas but it made me realize how not hard a lot of things are if only you started doing them.

And please keep writing. I feel like this is therapy.

It's amazing and comforting to know that we can still be so in sync even when we go months without talking. That's the kind of relationship I had with childhood friends, but it's seems harder to maintain with people I met after high school for some reason. Maybe it's just different types of people. In any case, it's nice to have. And it's nice that we can see each other and have fun and at the same time unload and talk and update each other, and discuss things that are stressful. I like that it doesn't feel one sided :)

Where to start, where to start. I'll start with you. I'm sorry you're going through a frustrating time. I get it. I know that you're going to find a job though that makes you happy and that you are great at. I know this even though it's hard to believe for myself, but if there's one thing I've learned through this London search, it's that trying to schedule things to work out doesn't always, well, work out. So I guess, don't get too stressed if things seem like they are happening at the "wrong time." It will all work out for the best. My work friend who left a couple weeks ago and kept me sane kept saying to me "Everything happens for a reason." Which is funny, because I truly believe that even though normally when people say stuff like that out loud it seems cliche and dismissive, but it calmed me when she said it.

As for your travel plans, I wish I could join you! I feel like I am sort of in that place right now except for this London thing. It's kind of frustratingly paradoxical that trying to do something bold and life-changing has left me unable to make any life decisions. In an effort to remain flexible, it seems I'm accidentally paralyzing myself. Can't book a ticket to St. Louis, Can't tell my mom to get tickets to the ballet... But I will say this: If I get a short term job in London, I would love to spend some time traveling afterward. SOOO IF that happens, you'll be the one I call! And even if not for traveling, the visiting me thing should absolutely happen! Of all of my friends who said they would visit me, I pretty much only believe you.

It's interesting what you said about people not being on the same page as you. I always attribute most of me not being on the same page as my friend to the fact that most of them are married and the fact that NewYorkJewish culture doesn't really encourage going out into the world. It's like "I don't get it. You're in New York. Where would you want to go?' It's seems pretty darn Gen Y of me to want to see the world and do something fulfilling, and yet most of my friends seemed to have missed the memo. Why is this?

Thanks for listening to all of my stuff. My grandfather is okay by the way. He had an angioplasty and they said his arteries in his heart are actually pretty good for someone his age (89). So aside from the frightening chest pains, I suppose we just take that and run with it... I don't know.

Meanwhile, I'm finally leaving Chopped! My boss told me the 23rd so I started making all the appointments I've been putting off for the following week. So if she decides next Wednesday that she needs me for longer, I'll be able to say "Sorry! I'm all booked up!" A little too booked up... So far, I have an appointment Tuesday, two on Wednesday, and another on Thursday. I'm guessing I'll try to see the allergist too in addition to those.

It's been a good learning experience working at Chopped, but I'm tired of how it's dragged on and how they take advantage of me. I recently found out that someone I worked with was making 1200$ a week to my $700. She's a position higher than I am but that is a big difference, especially when you consider that most of the time I WAS DOING HER JOB! It makes me realize that I need to be on other projects and then have some leverage if I decide to come back. It's pretty gross to think that they are keeping me on so that I don't leave and demand more money next time, but I think that's the case all the same. Nice people in life, nasty, cheap people in business. Live and Learn.

Until next time! And by the way, crazy story about your friend moving! Good for her!

If anything is a sign its that bowling alley

I think I always knew in the back of my mind that the bowling alley closed down. Maybe youve told me before, maybe we've had this conversation before I don't really know but I think I always knew it.
It just goes to show you that if you really want to do something with someone you better do it now because you never really know what life will be like in five years or when the bowling alley that serves alcohol will decide to close down.

I thought it was so silly that throughout your whole post you kept apologizing for how long it was because at the end of the post I found myself wishing you'd written more. First of all I just want to say it kind of made me want to sob ( I didnt actually sob a few tears at best but really can you blame me the whole midnight thing was heartbreaking and you're right I'm not even a pet person but even I have a heart). I think I've told you this before that I'm a very empathetic person and am really good at making people feel better in all times other than when their pet dies because there really is nothing to say to make that better. That and breakups Im not good with breakups either the best I can usually come up with it "Oh wow you broke up thats crazy..like that really sucks" at which point I'm sure the person who just told me is going through a break-up wants to throw a shoe at me. But anyways...

Seriously sorry to hear about midnight and your mom and your grandpa and all these ridiculous obstacles you've been facing. Youre completely right that this isn't even like working hard its seriously perservering. It's almost like the universe wants to test you and is like how much do you REALLY want this. And I think you pretty much answered that question in your last post and made it clear that you want this a lot. Because you're right living at home and saving money is great and wonderful but its not really living life and its not really living life the way you want your life to be lived. And while your mom getting radiation and midnight dying and very real scary things, at the end of the day as long as everyone is ok and you arent shirking away from your responsibilities as a daughter( which you are not) then I think you have to come to terms with the fact that there are always going to be a million reasons for you not to go but the older you get the number of reasons is just going to grow.

One of my friends at work is moving to california in 2 weeks. She made this decision within 1 day and quit her job the next day. She's moving because her boyfriend got a job there and while it's crazy she was like I have no real ties here and if I don't do it now I'm never really going to want to do it so why not. And really I'll tell you the same thing I told her which is that nothing is permanent. If anything we are at the age where we have the luxury of time and choice and we need to use that.

Thank you for telling me I need to focus on myself. I needed to hear that. In retrospect(to yesterday) I think the reason I was saying that is because Ive gotten frustrated to the point where I want to give up and it seemed easiest to just be like well focusing on me isn't getting anywhere let me just focus on others instead. And really I do the same thing you do because Iv been wanting to move out for more than 6 months now and it just keeps getting harder (my dad is going to India for the summer to take care of my grandma and I don't want to leave my mom alone), but I think I really just need to take that plunge and move out (which I will once my dad gets back at the end of summer).

Vacation planning has been frustrating because right now I have the money and the time to travel but not good company. I feel this is the age where I should get to travel the world with my friends and learn to be comfortable in uncomfortable situations but I find that there isn't anyone who is on the same page as me. I've been tempted to book a trip somewhere on my own but too scared to think about it seriously.

As for job hunting in all honesty I would like it to align with me moving out so I would rather wait till the end of summer to find something but I think the fact that nothing seems to be moving or changing in my life is really bothering me so Im trying to aggressively job hunt to make that better. But since thats not going anywhere either its just making me all the more frustrated.

So I think this might actually be longer than your post was but I have to say reading what you wrote really inspired me. I know its not easy and things keep popping up but this is all part of the path to the life you want. It would be easy for you to stay at home take the comfortable and easy route but what would you really be left with then? And I have to say I am so beyond proud of you for being able to go through all of that and still do well on your phone interview, it takes some serious courage to feel like everything is falling apart but still fight to hold it together.

I've got a feeling Im going to be making the plan to come visit you (or maybe even move who knows you might just inspire me THAT much) pretty freaking soon.

Just remember, all great changes are preceeded by chaos. And please keep writing I feel like this is therapy.

Unless the bowling alley closed down...

(EDIT: Apologies for the length... it all kind of just came out...)

Words cannot express how much I needed to hear what you wrote right now. I should note that I didn't intend for the title to be severely pessimistic, I just thought it was a funny follow-up. As it happens, that bowling alley has been closed for a while there. In the end, I only went once after turning 21. It was me Jen and Eric (ugh, wtvr) and it was expensive (though the drink I got was pretty strong so... bang for you buck I guess). Plus Eric could only have one drink since he was driving. I don't really understand how people go out drinking in areas without public transportation. Cabs are expensive. And then you have to go get your car the next day? Anyway, it was worth doing, but it would have been more fun with you. They are so into the idea of hanging out at home, that it felt weirdly pressure-y sitting there with them. Like it's ok to go out and purchase a drink and sit in a lounge and hang out in spite of loud music, but the whole time I felt like they felt it was pointless, or just for the experience. Like the Queens equivalent of walking into the Olive Branch the night of my 21st and walking out 3 minutes later with a shirt and no alcohol.

I totally understand your frustration. And I'm going all out here, since you invited me to do so- so apologies for the heavy burden I'm throwing at you...

London. LONDON! I don't think I've ever had so many obstacles in my entire life. I keep telling myself the harder you work for something the more rewarding it is. But it's not even that. The hard work I can handle. I can be patient if need be, but the obstacles that keep popping up are ridiculous and seem absurdly unnecessary to me.

I spent months since January or something thinking about London, turning it over it my head, gradually starting to talk to people about it and do research. Eventually, I realized that it was real enough that I had to tell my mom. (Backstory, my mom had a procedure around February to have seemingly benign "calcifications" removed- fairly straightforward outpatient procedure.) So, I talk to my friend Allison, tell her I think I should tell my mom about London even though it's going to suck and there will be tears. I say I'll wait to the weekend, since I only see her maybe an hour or so a day and I'd feel bad just telling her and then saying "see ya! good night" She says, maybe wait until Sunday then so you don't have to sit around the house all weekend with it out in the air. Fine. Sunday afternoon, my mom gets a call from her doctor saying the calcifications were not benign, but some sort of super early cancer situation.

I need to note at this point, that even though I'm telling this story as if it's just an obstacle to London, I understand that it's a serious, scary, actual family issue and not really something that I have a right to feel like is happening to me. But anyway. So the good news is this is very non-invasive, caught extremely early, not even really a stage of cancer yet. But still she needs to see a bunch of doctors and in the end, she is now undergoing radiation. For me, a facts-based person, it doesn't feel like such a scary thing since I know it minor and she'll be fine after a minimally inconvenient period of treatment that has very little in the way of side effects. Plus the procedure was already done before she knew it was cancer. For her though, it was more about the emotions. The word "cancer". The word radiation. So I knew, as resident best friend/child/parent/therapist that this was something new for me to navigate, which stressed me out to no end. And on THE DAY I was going to tell her about London.

I spent a week or so putting it aside in my head, saying there would be other times for me to go. But ultimately, I realized I really wanted it, and though I felt like an insensitive jerk, I told her about it. It went as expected. Tears, her telling me I was being unfair, that the timing was bad. (also a fair bit of "you're never coming home. Sabrina also said it was only a temporary move!" and "But they are so anti-semitic there") I felt awful, but keep in mind, she is going to be fine and I wouldn't leave until after she is done with treatment.

I still felt like this was the best time for me. No permanent job. No apartment to have to sublet. I started sending out my resume. Then the Regis thing. (I saw you around that time- that day actually?)
In the end nothing came of that (met with my friend about it, but then when she tried to set up something with the him and his wife, I had Jury duty and Passover so they started a trial with someone else- wasn't too broken up about that.) But at the time it still felt like an obstacle.

Still, I pushed forward. Walked into the office of a random company on my floor working on an adaptation of a british show to see if she had any connections. I sent her my resume and got an email that day from someone who wanted to meet. I had a meeting with him - he's not actually hiring but has worked in the UK and works with a company there and has a lot of connects I guess. Then one of my emails to another person came back expressing interest and we set up a Skype interview.

And then Midnight got sick and died all of a sudden. She wasn't herself for a few days. Stopped eating and drinking. My mom took off from work last Monday to take her to the vet, but the vet didn't see anything wrong. We had an appointment Wednesday night anyway, so she said to bring her back then and we'd see what the progress was. She was lethargic and not eating. We forced her to take appetite stimulants and felt terrible about it. Tuesday, when I got home, she was making this sad cry when she moved, spending most of her time sleeping in a corner. It was so sad. (I know you're not a pet person, but you got me started...) I was so worried that I spent the night on the couch in the living room. We still thought we should just wait until the 6pm appointment the next day. But we didn't want to leave her alone, so I called the vet in the morning and brought her in before work.

They called my mom to say she was dehydrate, low blood-sugar, low temperature. They were trying to give her fluids and get it up. Then they called a little later to say it was bad, that she had a clot in her kidney, but the kidney is an organ that bounces back, so they would let us know. Then around 3, they called to say that her numbers were up for a while, but she couldn't sustain them and she was going to die. We all raced home to see her. My mom was there with her by 3-something. I'll spare you the saddest parts, because frankly I've been reliving them enough.

Mischief is really more my cat as you know, but I loved Midnight and the house is so different without her. It's been harder on me than I would have thought. Midnight was more my mom's cat. I always thought Mischief would die first with all of her problems that she's being medicated for, and then when I left home at least my mom would have Midnight. Now, I feel like I'm leaving my mom alone. And I'm worried about leaving mischief too, since she doesn't adjust so well anymore and she's very attached to me. It's scary to think she can just die like that. Anyway, I can go on, but suffice it to say that it's been a rough week and I haven't really had the bandwidth to really pursue London stuff.

I can't help but worry that all these setbacks are a sign. These aren't struggles or growing pains. They are legitimately bad things that keep happening. All at once. Also, my grandfather went into the hospital last Tuesday with chest pains and now is back in. Hopefully he's ok, but they running some tests.

Fun story. I didn't want to cancel my Skype which was in the morning on Thursday last week. So, twelve hours after Midnight died and I spent the night crying with my mom and barely sleeping, I woke up, put on a ton of makeup, set up my computer where there was good lighting, and was pretty impressed that I looked and felt ok. Then I get an email from the guy's assistant that he's going to call me instead!!! Anyway, the call went pretty well and I was really on it in terms of answers in spite of everything. I think he liked me and didn't really seem to worried about the sponsorship issue. He's not sure if the position he was interviewing me for is really opening (the girl may or may not be leaving, or maybe just for a short time) but he said he'd also send my resume around to other people.

So that's where I'm at. Sorry for unloading in this way, but it's actually easier to write it all out. I have a lot of feelings!!! But in terms of what you were saying about focusing on other people, I just need to say this: Focus on yourself! or Focus on yourself TOO! I feel like my life has been spent focusing on other people, and I never even realize I'm doing it because I'm so in my head that it feels like being self-centered. London was about getting out and doing something for myself. I'm 24 (eek!) but I literally feel like these last 2 years actually disappeared. And even though it came along with some money appearing in my bank account, I almost don't remember living them.

Stasis scares the crap out of me. I'm still a child when I'm at home. I'm not living a life! I'm not seeing people, not meeting people. I'm saving and I'm comfortable, but that isn't living, and it scares me that my life can just disappear like that if I don't do something about. I'm no closer than I was when I graduated to knowing what I want to do, where I want to live, who I want to be. I'm too old for this teen-angst existential dread! And maybe I don't want the lives that people like Jen and Eric have. I love that I'm walking a different path. But then I actually have to WALK it.

I could probably go on for eternity at this point, but there is work to be done, and I think this is long enough. I hope I wasn't overly depressing or dramatic. Feel free to reply with a SHORTER post. I do want to hear about the job search and the vacation plans. I want to hear about everything that's going on in your life and your frustrations. I also want you to know that I heard what you wrote at the end of your post about great things on the horizon and it actually did make me feel better so thanks :) <3

It's never too late to go bowling

Remember when we had the plan to go to that bowling alley by your house where you can get a drink and I said I wanted to do that once I turned 21? Well I still want to do that so we should keep that in mind, unless of course that bowling alley no longer exists which I suppose is very possible since I am 24 now(eek).

It's funny how I started a conversation with you via text and immediately I was like I have to go write in Bowl. You were actually the second person I reached out to today who told me they were just thinking about me this morning so I must have some sort of psychic sense going on. Im going to try and ride that way as long as it lasts.

Lately Iv been feeling pretty helpless and frustrated because everything I try to make happen and take efforts towards in my life has just been going nowhere. Aka figuring out vacation plans, when and how Im going to move out and finding a new job.
But today i got a thought that maybe my life is kind of hold because right now Im not supposed to be focusing on me. Maybe right now is the time that I can be here for everyone around me and help people figure out their lives in any way that I can.

So yea I figured Id continue our text conversation to let you know all this, so if you want to catch up or talk or anything just let me know and Im here. I know things can seem frustrating when youre trying to make big changes but just remember that all great changes are preceded by chaos. When things seem particularly out of sorts I like to think that something great is just about to happen.