(EDIT: Apologies for the length... it all kind of just came out...)
Words cannot express how much I needed to hear what you wrote right now. I should note that I didn't intend for the title to be severely pessimistic, I just thought it was a funny follow-up. As it happens, that bowling alley has been closed for a while there. In the end, I only went once after turning 21. It was me Jen and Eric (ugh, wtvr) and it was expensive (though the drink I got was pretty strong so... bang for you buck I guess). Plus Eric could only have one drink since he was driving. I don't really understand how people go out drinking in areas without public transportation. Cabs are expensive. And then you have to go get your car the next day? Anyway, it was worth doing, but it would have been more fun with you. They are so into the idea of hanging out at home, that it felt weirdly pressure-y sitting there with them. Like it's ok to go out and purchase a drink and sit in a lounge and hang out in spite of loud music, but the whole time I felt like they felt it was pointless, or just for the experience. Like the Queens equivalent of walking into the Olive Branch the night of my 21st and walking out 3 minutes later with a shirt and no alcohol.
I totally understand your frustration. And I'm going all out here, since you invited me to do so- so apologies for the heavy burden I'm throwing at you...
London. LONDON! I don't think I've ever had so many obstacles in my entire life. I keep telling myself the harder you work for something the more rewarding it is. But it's not even that. The hard work I can handle. I can be patient if need be, but the obstacles that keep popping up are ridiculous and seem absurdly unnecessary to me.
I spent months since January or something thinking about London, turning it over it my head, gradually starting to talk to people about it and do research. Eventually, I realized that it was real enough that I had to tell my mom. (Backstory, my mom had a procedure around February to have seemingly benign "calcifications" removed- fairly straightforward outpatient procedure.) So, I talk to my friend Allison, tell her I think I should tell my mom about London even though it's going to suck and there will be tears. I say I'll wait to the weekend, since I only see her maybe an hour or so a day and I'd feel bad just telling her and then saying "see ya! good night" She says, maybe wait until Sunday then so you don't have to sit around the house all weekend with it out in the air. Fine. Sunday afternoon, my mom gets a call from her doctor saying the calcifications were not benign, but some sort of super early cancer situation.
I need to note at this point, that even though I'm telling this story as if it's just an obstacle to London, I understand that it's a serious, scary, actual family issue and not really something that I have a right to feel like is happening to me. But anyway. So the good news is this is very non-invasive, caught extremely early, not even really a stage of cancer yet. But still she needs to see a bunch of doctors and in the end, she is now undergoing radiation. For me, a facts-based person, it doesn't feel like such a scary thing since I know it minor and she'll be fine after a minimally inconvenient period of treatment that has very little in the way of side effects. Plus the procedure was already done before she knew it was cancer. For her though, it was more about the emotions. The word "cancer". The word radiation. So I knew, as resident best friend/child/parent/therapist that this was something new for me to navigate, which stressed me out to no end. And on THE DAY I was going to tell her about London.
I spent a week or so putting it aside in my head, saying there would be other times for me to go. But ultimately, I realized I really wanted it, and though I felt like an insensitive jerk, I told her about it. It went as expected. Tears, her telling me I was being unfair, that the timing was bad. (also a fair bit of "you're never coming home. Sabrina also said it was only a temporary move!" and "But they are so anti-semitic there") I felt awful, but keep in mind, she is going to be fine and I wouldn't leave until after she is done with treatment.
I still felt like this was the best time for me. No permanent job. No apartment to have to sublet. I started sending out my resume. Then the Regis thing. (I saw you around that time- that day actually?)
In the end nothing came of that (met with my friend about it, but then when she tried to set up something with the him and his wife, I had Jury duty and Passover so they started a trial with someone else- wasn't too broken up about that.) But at the time it still felt like an obstacle.
Still, I pushed forward. Walked into the office of a random company on my floor working on an adaptation of a british show to see if she had any connections. I sent her my resume and got an email that day from someone who wanted to meet. I had a meeting with him - he's not actually hiring but has worked in the UK and works with a company there and has a lot of connects I guess. Then one of my emails to another person came back expressing interest and we set up a Skype interview.
And then Midnight got sick and died all of a sudden. She wasn't herself for a few days. Stopped eating and drinking. My mom took off from work last Monday to take her to the vet, but the vet didn't see anything wrong. We had an appointment Wednesday night anyway, so she said to bring her back then and we'd see what the progress was. She was lethargic and not eating. We forced her to take appetite stimulants and felt terrible about it. Tuesday, when I got home, she was making this sad cry when she moved, spending most of her time sleeping in a corner. It was so sad. (I know you're not a pet person, but you got me started...) I was so worried that I spent the night on the couch in the living room. We still thought we should just wait until the 6pm appointment the next day. But we didn't want to leave her alone, so I called the vet in the morning and brought her in before work.
They called my mom to say she was dehydrate, low blood-sugar, low temperature. They were trying to give her fluids and get it up. Then they called a little later to say it was bad, that she had a clot in her kidney, but the kidney is an organ that bounces back, so they would let us know. Then around 3, they called to say that her numbers were up for a while, but she couldn't sustain them and she was going to die. We all raced home to see her. My mom was there with her by 3-something. I'll spare you the saddest parts, because frankly I've been reliving them enough.
Mischief is really more my cat as you know, but I loved Midnight and the house is so different without her. It's been harder on me than I would have thought. Midnight was more my mom's cat. I always thought Mischief would die first with all of her problems that she's being medicated for, and then when I left home at least my mom would have Midnight. Now, I feel like I'm leaving my mom alone. And I'm worried about leaving mischief too, since she doesn't adjust so well anymore and she's very attached to me. It's scary to think she can just die like that. Anyway, I can go on, but suffice it to say that it's been a rough week and I haven't really had the bandwidth to really pursue London stuff.
I can't help but worry that all these setbacks are a sign. These aren't struggles or growing pains. They are legitimately bad things that keep happening. All at once. Also, my grandfather went into the hospital last Tuesday with chest pains and now is back in. Hopefully he's ok, but they running some tests.
Fun story. I didn't want to cancel my Skype which was in the morning on Thursday last week. So, twelve hours after Midnight died and I spent the night crying with my mom and barely sleeping, I woke up, put on a ton of makeup, set up my computer where there was good lighting, and was pretty impressed that I looked and felt ok. Then I get an email from the guy's assistant that he's going to call me instead!!! Anyway, the call went pretty well and I was really on it in terms of answers in spite of everything. I think he liked me and didn't really seem to worried about the sponsorship issue. He's not sure if the position he was interviewing me for is really opening (the girl may or may not be leaving, or maybe just for a short time) but he said he'd also send my resume around to other people.
So that's where I'm at. Sorry for unloading in this way, but it's actually easier to write it all out. I have a lot of feelings!!! But in terms of what you were saying about focusing on other people, I just need to say this: Focus on yourself! or Focus on yourself TOO! I feel like my life has been spent focusing on other people, and I never even realize I'm doing it because I'm so in my head that it feels like being self-centered. London was about getting out and doing something for myself. I'm 24 (eek!) but I literally feel like these last 2 years actually disappeared. And even though it came along with some money appearing in my bank account, I almost don't remember living them.
Stasis scares the crap out of me. I'm still a child when I'm at home. I'm not living a life! I'm not seeing people, not meeting people. I'm saving and I'm comfortable, but that isn't living, and it scares me that my life can just disappear like that if I don't do something about. I'm no closer than I was when I graduated to knowing what I want to do, where I want to live, who I want to be. I'm too old for this teen-angst existential dread! And maybe I don't want the lives that people like Jen and Eric have. I love that I'm walking a different path. But then I actually have to WALK it.
I could probably go on for eternity at this point, but there is work to be done, and I think this is long enough. I hope I wasn't overly depressing or dramatic. Feel free to reply with a SHORTER post. I do want to hear about the job search and the vacation plans. I want to hear about everything that's going on in your life and your frustrations. I also want you to know that I heard what you wrote at the end of your post about great things on the horizon and it actually did make me feel better so thanks :) <3
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