This is Key.

Runner up for post title: I don't think I ever anticipated how long I would keep feeling like this. This sentence makes me feel. Like a punch in the heart. And I so, so, so relate.

I have to say, I really thought this post was from last week and I had no idea that I was almost two weeks overdue. I mean to be fair, I couldn’t use my computer the 16^th, 17^th, or 18^th and then worked on the 19^th through 24^th, but that doesn’t actually make it better. The less I post, the less you post, and the less I get to know what’s going on in your life. So for that reason, I really do want to make an effort to post more. Or at the very least once a week. I mean, come on, Jenna.

Here’s the thing though. I’m attempting NaNoWriMo again. And this time, I’m going it alone, which is crazy when I take into account how hard it was when I only had to write every fifth day. I really want to do it though. I really want to know that I can accomplish it. That I can write something from start to finish. I’m sick of feeling like writing or like I should be a writer and never having actually completed something. So, I am motivated. This week, after I finish This is Where I Leave You (30 pages or so left), I’m going to spend commutes working on an outline.

Thank you for the birthday wishes! You should never apologize for a Friends quote, by the way. This weekend, I spent Shabbos at my friend Allison. We were in Synagogue and she was feeling really short between me (in heels, relax) and her friend who is extremely tall and was wearing a green dress. She pulled out the “Ya big tree!” quote that Chandler says to Richard when Richard is trying to get Monica back. The friend was a bit offended, but again, you never apologize for quoting friends.

I’m so excited for Cabaret. My birthday was actually really nice. My boss took me out for lunch, as I mentioned, and I was getting texts and Facebook posts all day. I went to Jen and Eric for the holiday that night (and the next three days) and they got me a Fudgie The Whale cake. It was delicious- so delicious, seriously have you ever had a Fudgie???- but more than that, it really just feels good to know people care about you enough to make your day special.

(How cute were those Hannahbear videos??? Also, have you ever had my mom’s Ring Ding cake? She made it for me the previous Shabbat since I wouldn’t be home for my birthday weekend, and it was delicious. All my Chopped friends texted that they hope my mom made me a good cake, which I thought was pretty funny.)

The rest of the holiday was really nice too. Josh and Jamie were there too (Eric’s brother and sister in law) I really like Jamie, so it’s nice getting to crack her shell a little. I did get a little intoxicated Friday night, which I regretting all night when I barely slept, but life is often about making choices where you just have to decide if the fun is worth the fallout.

While I was at Allison’s this weekend, she mentioned that her new roommate’s sister (to whom I had almost introduced myself on Friday night at this party thing) works in publishing at Random House in Young Adult Lit. I mean, dream job? I’m going to get her information and talk to her about it. The more I think about publishing the more right it feels. The hard part is trying to figure out if that is my gut talking or just my brain agreeing with whatever as long as it’s not what I’m currently doing.

Not that I hate what I’m currently doing. It’s fine. A little boring today, as you can probably tell, but fine. I finished up my casting project on my birthday, or really the following Sunday. Since last Monday, I’ve been doing Production Coordinator work. Only really what I’ve been doing is intern work. It’s a good title, and will look good on a resume I think, but again. Intern work. I mean, I’m literally going on runs to B&H and the supermarket. I don’t even mind so much because I get some fresh air and sun (though it did rain a lot last week), but it’s the principle of feeling idle and like my brain isn’t doing any work. I’m not really learning much other than what to do with receipts when someone gives you a pile of them. Honestly, the highlight of my week was something that involved math. If that’s not cause for concern, I don’t know what is.

I don’t know if I mentioned this, but when I found out it was my last week on the casting project and that there was this short-term coordinator thing, the woman in charge of hiring and such was talking to me about the possibility of working here full-time. Like with a salary and potential for benefits and (maybe?) vacation days. I know I need a full-time job soon, because family benefits are going to run out soon and it’s just more practical in a lot of ways. But A. I’m not too crazy about the idea and B. I don’t know if I want to stay in TV at all. This place is all reality, and it really makes a difference not having friends here like I did at Chopped. I miss having a group and people to talk to. Even when it was just me and my boss. And the thought of eagerly saying “Sign me up for more!” here fills me with a little bit of dread. But again, maybe it’s just my brain being afraid of committing. Maybe I need to take your dad’s advice. Just because I take a full time job, doesn’t mean I’m “settling down.” Life keeps moving. Of course the flip side is that just because it’s a full time job at a big company doesn’t mean it’s the right decision.

So yes, I have been seriously thinking about publishing and will definitely need to talk to that girl’s sister. The fascinating thing about feeling so lost is learning how many people in so many different positions feel the same way. My therapist used to tell me this, but I didn’t really feel that it was true until now. I told you about my high school friends, but then I had a similar conversation with the Gombos. They all seemed to feel the same way. Even married. Even in their advanced degree programs. What was interesting was that Eric and Josh observed that I have a strong feeling that there is something out there that I will love doing if I can just find it. It was interesting for two reasons: 1. Because they don’t feel that way, and 2. Because I often think about this idea that I have and worry that it’s a TV/Gen Y construct of fulfillment that is keeping me from actual contentment. Or maybe it’s just a personality trait of mine. Or maybe it’s true. How is one supposed to know?

Don’t worry. I will never stop entering those contests. If for no other reason than to keep the dream alive. It felt really great reflecting on the trip while working on the Travelettes submission. My newest prospective blog name? The Edgy Explorer. It wasn’t taken on twitter and there is no taken domain as far as I know. Plus it says something about me (I’m anxious, but not so much so that I don’t do anything) while still keeping a certain vagueness (Exploring what? Edgy how?) So yeah, if I had my way, I’d still go with Snarky in the City, but I like this too.

See you soon!

A very happy 25th birthday to you!

I was just watching the episode of Friends where everyone turns 30 and during Rachel's birthday Tag goes, don't worry Rach I know totally how you feel. I'm so freaked out about turning 25.
I don't know why I thought I should share that because its not really all that funny but eh why not it goes with the theme.

So happy birthday! I hope it was wonderful and filled with videos of Hannah and treats made by your mom.

I loved your whole paragraph about not being able to see the forest through the trees and I think it's very apt as to how we often forget the bigger picture when we get caught up in the messy details of life. I think it is a double edged sword though because while yes, you should not get caught up in the details, you should stop to notice and appreciate the little joys which life brings you and all those tiny moments which bring a smile to your face because ultimately those will be the things that stick and you hold on to for a long time. Im not sure if my two points were related but it made sense in my head.

Spending days at home reading, seeing family friends and sleeping sounds absolutely wonderful. In fact I can't remember the last time I did that. Probably during a summer vacation whenever that last happened. Why do summer vacations stop happening. That seems like one of those things that should last throughout life.

I can't tell you how much I relate to the comment of fake it til you make it, but make it to what? I keep this excel calendar on my work computer to keep track of the days I have plans and today I added in a column for December and it just kind of blew my mind as to how the year is almost over and how Ive spent so much of this year just feeling lost and conflicted. I don't think I ever anticipated how long I would keep feeling like this, but I do think Ive gotten to a point where I can make more sense of it and keep it in perspective. Right now with my new team I am most definitely faking it because I cant seem to motivate myself enough to want to learn the work and understand it so Im just kind of scratching it at the surface and getting by. So seriously just faking it without knowing what I will make it to. I also partially think that there is no real making it. My dad once told me that he thinks its funny how people always talk about "settling down" when really there is no such thing as settling down. Life keeps moving and you have no choice but to keep moving with it (as I grow older I realize my dad is a lot wiser than I ever realized). I think this is the same sort of thing where things keep happening and changing and you have to keep up and ultimately if you are keeping up and you've decided on making something out of yourself and are working towards it then thats really all you can do. There is no making it because there is no end to that. Unless ofcourse you own JARS in which case you have already made it.

It's really interesting what you told me about your friends in more creative fields. That was definitely an eye-opener (Ive in fact thought about it several times since I read your last post) and makes me realize again that its all about perspective and while the grass might seem greener on the other side its really just greener where you water it (yes I did just quote a Justin Bieber song).  This also again reminds me of Defining Decade and how its natural to feel lost in your 20s but the key is to keep moving and working. So we just keep swimming.

I saw that you entered a sweepstakes for a trip on facebook. Please keep entering those and take me with you. I will do the same. This is key.

Very excited at the possibility of seeing Cabaret! Also, you should come visit me at my apartment sometime and I can make dinner for us or we can go eat at Blossom then write about it on trip advisor. I bet that would be fun. We can even point out all the jewish couples on dates at the local coffee bean. You are ofcourse welcome to stay over as well, but I understand the affinity one has for their own bed so I won't force it. Either way it would be lovely to have you! =)

You Can't See The Forest For The Trees

When I was little, my parents once said that to me. I thought it was so hilarious because I really didn't understand what it meant, and so naturally it sounded like nonsense. They tried to explain it at the time, but I think I just laughed hysterically and didn't listen. Since then, it's become probably one of my favorite and most underused expressions. In case you haven't heard it much, it means that you get so caught up in looking at the stupid details of the trees without seeing the bigger picture of a beautiful forest right in front of you.

I think part of the reason I love this expression so much is that it comes with a built-in life lesson. It's so easy to look at the tree right in front of you and get super focused on the knot and the scratch and trying to figure out which tree belongs next to it, but in doing so you miss the bigger picture. And you can walk your way through the forest worrying about every little detail and realize that you've missed the whole forest. A wonderful metaphor for life, that I feel I can't hear enough of. I need a lot of reminding to make sure I'm enjoying life as a whole instead of worrying about where I'm at and where I should be at. And that doesn't really help to answer any of my millions of questions, but it does make me smile. And that's not too bad. 

Anyway, I was thinking about that the other day and wanted to share. It's just one of those things that strikes me a certain way I guess. I find it poetic. 

So right now it's Sukkot! And while it is stressful having to miss work and make it up, I think I'm in the minority of my friends who could have as many days off as God wants me to have and I'll enjoy every minute. I hope the same will be true next week when I'm at Jen and Eric for the last days. I love the holidays. I love spending three days sitting at home reading, seeing family friends, and sleeping. What could be bad? Most people get bored but I just don't seem to. Nothing new there. Right now it's Chol Hamoed- which literally translates to "The weekday of the the holiday"- basically the days in between the non-electricity days (Yom Tov). The term Chol Hamoed applies to the middle days of Pesach as well. Technically we are still supposed to be eating meals in the Sukkah (though I don't really during the week) and all of the special prayers for this holiday are still said during these days, so I'm trying to at least keep it in mind that it's a holiday because forgetting because of work is depressing. 

Last night, I saw my high school friend group and they hadn't heard about the trip/one of them didn't remember about it at all, so it was nice to be able to start from scratch, and talk about it all over again. I don't get tired of reliving it. Also this girl I once interned with is on a crazy Europe trip right now, and I'm going nuts for her photos. 

I get what you mean about never being able to replicate people's ability to be natural, like my boss. I've been trying pretty hard and my family was laughing at me listening to me talking on the phone in my 'Melissa voice', but it seems to be working okay. I've never felt so committed to the idea of "fake it 'til you make it." I am absolutely faking it. The part that I'm conflicted about is - Make it to what? 

On your note about feeling like you'd be happier or more fulfilled in a more creative field, I had a really interesting conversation with my friends last night. JJ is in her third year of med school- just done with the book stuff and just starting rotations- the meat of being a doctor you would think. But she feels lost and said she doesn't know what she's doing. Alison is in grad school for Art Therapy and is feeling, I guess, a little frustrated with her internship, which she thought would be work she would like but is not what she was hoping for. It's interesting because we are all in such different fields on such varying degrees of the 'Passion Scale,'  and we all seem to be in the same place: I'm doing what I think, on paper, I like. I don't like it right now, but I don't know what else is going on, so I'm just going to keep trying. 

You have told me about The Defining Decade by the way. I requested it from the library, but it came in at an inopportune time before the trip so I lost it. I should request it again. Also, I know I chose a different title for this post, but if I had gone for a line from yours it would have been this: The great thing is when someone can take what you're feeling and paraphrase it for you. Do you ever notice that when you see a line you wrote in the title, it makes it seem deeper and you find yourself thinking "I wrote that?" It's a cool feeling and- side note- makes me really think I need to not be so hard on my writing because maybe it'll seem brilliant or even okay upon revisiting. 

There's probably some middle ground that I've yet to discover

I agree it's great talking to people about the trip who actually want to hear about it. It's especially nice when you have one of those random flashbacks and are with someone you can share it with.

So glad the job is going well! Yay!Working sundays most definitely does not sound fun but if you enjoy your work then I suppose its not so bad. I agree its very fascinating to listen to people who are good with other. Whenever I meet someone who is just so natural and great at talking to people I always try to observe them and take mental notes but then just end up being my awkward self at the end of the day.

I always wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life. It's funny and comforting to hear you feel the same way too because I always think I feel this way because I work in finance and its the typical useless industry that's just all about making money. You would think TV is an industry that's more artistic and people who work in it are more about following their passions and all. But go figure. This also leads me to think that unless you work for greenpeace or own JARS maybe every 20 something feels like this. Have I told you about the book the defining decade? Its all about how your 20s are the most important decade and she goes over all these problems that people in our age have and how we feel and how to deal with it. I would recommend reading it but don't expect it will have all the answers its more just about getting perspective I think. One part in the book I think back to often is the end where this girl asks an older person "Am I going to make it?" and he replies " You haven't decided yet." So that's profound and scary at the same time. It's a nonfiction book in case that wasn't implied. But yes anyways my point is that maybe regardless of what we do we will feel like this and that's just because we are ambitious people who do want to do something worthwhile when in reality any job we can get so early in our careers won't really give us that satisfaction.

Along the same lines I am also constantly thinking about what else is out there for me. Some days I feel trapped and some days the possibilities feel endless. There's a great Ted talk by Priya Parker on how a lot of smart, talented people end up in professions that don't make a difference in world and how those people can work to unwind themselves from those jobs to wind up in ones where they will make a difference while also making themselves happy. The talk is great but again all these things just seem easier said than done. Some days I also feel like I am worrying about it too much and I should just go with the flow and things will work themselves out. And then I freak out that I'm not doing enough or taking advantage of my opportunities. So yea. Confusion.

I wonder if 10 years from now we will look back on all these things and be amused or are we going to be like..nothing has changed? I certainly hope not. Things should change.

I know sounded very depressed and down in my last post and to tell you the truth I really was but thankfully I was able to get enough perspective in my life to stop feeling that way after a couple of days. I think it just really got to me because I felt like I had been job hunting for SO long and after all that to think I hadn't found something good just made me feel like a failure. But now Ive kind of come to the conclusion that while yes I don't have a new job yet and yes that certainly sucks that shouldn't be the be all and end all of my life and my mood. I think Ive been so hung up on the job thing that I never really took the time to celebrate the things that I did manage to change in my life like moving out or going to Scandinavia with you! These are still pretty big things that at one point in the past I only hoped to have and now I have it. I did it, and regardless of what is going on in my job life it should still make me happy. Also when I was whining to one of my friends from work he was just like first world problems Monisha, and after I was like ugh I was like..this is true. I have a job that pays me enough to lead a great life and I should be thankful of that instead of whining about it constantly.

So yes Im doing better now. Something I think also helped is that I was really resisting doing the work in my new team/becoming a part of it thinking that if I didn't get attached to it then it would be easier to leave. But ultimately all that did was make my present a living hell because of the bets I was placing on my future. Now Im trying to be more involved and weirdly enough its making things better. So I will let you know how this week goes.

As for the apartment that too is getting much easier. Once I got over the this is all new and freaky feeling I realized the my commute is now ten minutes and I have way more time to myself feeling and that feeling is fantastic. So yea just starting trouble.

I have to say though that even when Im going through all this your empathy is great and knowing you are here for me does make it all that much better. The great thing is when someone can take what you're feeling and paraphrase it for you. Then you really know they get what youre saying.

Some other life updates:
1. I went to my friend's wedding yesterday and it was so much fun I can't wait to start attending more. At the same time its crazy to think people in my age group can be MARRIED so maybe I can.

2.  Sorry this bowl is so late the wifi in my apt last week was not working hopefully I will find a way to be much more punctual with this now.

I guess I only had 2...ah well.  As for dinner this week I would love to except I can't do tuesday but any other day I would love to! Can't wait to hear more stories soon! (especially the pizza stone one).