This week, I had a dream that I was traveling somewhere. This makes perfect sense because of all the blogs. (By the way... there is SO much more to see in Norway. I don't say this in a regretful sort of way, but just in a wow, I could totally take a whole other trip there and see so much more of the country.) Anyway, my flight was at 2:30pm and I was running late since it was already 2:30 and I was at home and hadn't packed. Story of my life, right? It turned out the flight was actually 6:45 and once I realized that I started packing again. I took stacks of clothes and starting biting off chunks of them, which made perfect sense at the time. And then I realized there were holes in the clothing! And I thought, WHY DIDN'T I JUST WASH THEM INSTEAD OF CHEWING THEM? Good argument, Dream Jenna. You have a point. I also couldn't remember where I was going, which was annoying because it was right at the tip of my brain. That was the most real part of the dream, the feeling that I had just been thinking of the name of the place, but couldn't quite get to it now. I think you were in the dream somehow as a peripheral thought, but it was just so bizarre that there would never be a natural segue to it and thus, I had to start the post with it.
I'm sorry to hear about your funky week. Certainly, if there is anyone who truly gets those feelings, it is me. Even though I live at home. But I do very clearly remember having those feelings, especially at 39 (junior year). I remember you telling me all the time when we lived together that you don't like being alone and didn't like when I was away. (awww) I remind you of this in case you've forgotten, because this is really the first time you're doing this! Hello! You've always shared a room unless you were literally living at home! This is no small feat for you, so you need to give yourself credit for a. How hard that transition really is and b. how far you have come already.
I agree with Sid about the decorating. Making your room feel literally and decoratively warmer will make an impact. I know you said you don't want to have a rug, but that's always made me feel more at home in living arrangements, probably because I've always lived in places that were carpeted. I also feel that giving yourself time to feel like it's home is important too. And I don't mean that in the sense of "It'll just take time," although that is true too. I mean, make time for yourself to do homey things around the apartment, maybe not just in your room, but in the living room too. Try to make it feel like the whole place is your home, not just one little part of it. For me, this would mean spending a Shabbos in a place, taking a nap with a cozy blanket on the couch, sitting and reading and drinking tea or hot chocolate. Also, you know I would never do this, but maybe sleeping the other way on your bed would be warmer. Ugh it's making me cringe even having written it. I have a huge urge to just delete it now.
I'm on my mom's computer right now, and asked her if she wanted it back. She said I'm sure you'll be done soon. Ha. Okay then. On that note, I do understand how time when you're waiting for a post goes slower. I'm sorry my post wasn't longer. Not like, sorry I didn't write it longer, but sorry that it didn't feel longer when reading (the responsibility is off me then... but I do get it). And yes, I also get your paranoid/anxiety symptom feeling. I don't need to tell you, but I will, that I obviously do have anxiety most of the time, and I am familiar with those feelings that make you withdraw even more. For myself, I feel like sometimes I need to indulge the funk just a little bit, because overplanning and socializing non-stop won't help when you're in that place. But it is good to force yourself to see a group of friends for an hour or so. I also really don't recommend alcohol during those times. Like seriously, it's a depressant. It only makes things worse, so I don't know why people are like I'm in a bad mood, I need a drink.
I was just discussing this whole jobs not getting back to you thing with the Gombos this shabbos. It sucks. Universally. For everyone. All the time. But none of that makes anyone treat their interviewees better, so it never gets any better. Ugh. Also, don't be too hard on yourself for having down times even though you feel blessed. Remember, you're just living in a pixel. Even if you do look at the picture in awe and think Wow, I'm so lucky to have that! My friend Michelle, from Chopped, always has really great advice when I'm trying to talk myself out of feeling a certain way. Here it is: Let yourself feel what you're feeling. I try to listen to her. She basically my age, or maybe a few months older, but she is one of those people who should be several years older because she is wise and way more mature in the ways that count.
I'm glad you liked my thought. I liked it too. I actually was pretty proud of the last post because it had a nice mix of funny and deep. Yay. Thanks for what you said about grit. No lie, I was kind of ready to stop. But I'll keep writing until it's done even if there is no chance I'm going to finish. I'm pretty okay with it. Speaking of podcasts though, I discovered this podcast that's apparently a big deal last week. It's called Serial, and it's one of those things that I heard about it once and then it was EVERYWHERE all in one day. I don't know if it's your thing, since it's about a murder investigation, but I listened to the first episode and it was really engaging.
So excited to hear about your sister! Have a great time. And nudge her by calling the baby names and talking to her stomach at first. It's the kind of thing you would never ever do to anyone, but you're the aunt so you can do whatever you want!!! Maniacal laughter! But seriously, if you can get away with it, it's pretty fun. Okay, my mom is starting to look this way, so I'm going to give back the computer now. Stay strong! Or whatever, treat yourself. Either way.
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