Failure is only defeat if you stop trying

That's from a fortune cookie. We had Chinese food tonight. Merry Christmas. It's funny because we never really used to do the whole Jews eating Chinese food on Christmas thing but lately it's become a thing because Sabrina comes into town and she loves Chinese food. We went to pickup our order at 6:15 and they were so busy that they weren't taking any more orders or reservations for the night. Jews and Chinese food on Christmas: It's a real thing.

So Sabrina and Hannahbear came in last night, which is always exciting. It's strange, I thought they were coming in for a week, but once I actually started to count the days it turned into more like 5. This probably seems like a lot for you since you often see you sister over weekends (How's she feeling by the way? And did you find out the sex?), but for me it's comparatively short. We usually get them for a week at least, often closer to two. I have to say that as much as it would be nice to be around all the time for the little things, like babysitting once in a while or going out with my sister and hannah for lunch if we lived in the same city, I never seem to lose sight of how lucky we are that we get to see them as often as we do. I'm just now realizing this and I have to say, it feels like a bit of a life accomplishment. To have something good that you don't take for granted. Even though my mom is constantly lamenting about how it's not enough (lament was the PERFECT word right there. Feels so good when you find the right word) and it's pretty much impossible to convince her otherwise. I can't help but always think I'm so lucky to have these close times. If we lived in the same city, we wouldn't ever stay in the same house. I wouldn't get to see what she's like at bedtime, or when she wakes up. I wouldn't get to see what it looks like when you have to fill the fridge with all her snacks or learn her favorite shows in the same way. It's different obviously, having the small bursts instead of the consistency, but it would be hard to say which is better or worse. So why bother ranking them. We're lucky to have what we do.

Now for some photos.

Hannahbear got a doctor kit for Chanukah. Technically, it wasn't still Chanukah, but my mom had kept a present here for her rather than shipping all 8! She loved it and told Mischief she needed a checkup.  

This was Mischief's response for the rest of the time until Hannah went to bed and she felt she could come out of hiding. Poor cat. 

This is Hannah's angry face when we tried to get her to go to sleep. It was after 11pm but she was so excited to see all of the toys she hadn't seen in a couple of months. she actually made a "grrr" sound. I kind of can't believe I caught it. 

Today we went to Jersey to visit with my family- my father's aunt and cousins. My Great Aunt was recently diagnosed with breast cancer and she had a mini-stroke, whatever that means. She had a couple of falls these last few months too, so it's not looking too great on that front. She still seems pretty good though. A little quieter than maybe we're used to seeing her, but still, it was nice to see that she is still with it. I wouldn't say we're super close. You've probably never heard me mention her before, but I am quite fond of her. She is the last remaining sibling of my grandmother. There were four of them. Often, when we go over there we end up looking at really old photos and she tells us who is in them if she can see or remember well enough. She's a very practical lady, doesn't really have her head in the clouds about things, which I like. But in some ways it feels like she is the keeper of memories that are going to be lost if I don't try to remember them all right now. Which I know, isn't really possible. Today, there was this photo of the four sibling. Actually it was a page with four individuals photos on it. One of each of them. My grandmother looking truly old school 20s/30s glam. Pleasantville style. Lily, my great aunt, had these amazing cat-eye glasses, with a sort of booking look to her. The men were men, so basically just suits in a black and white photo, but man is it fun to look at that stuff.

When I was little, before we moved to our current house, we used to live across the street from Aunt Lily in Queens. We'd go over on a pretty frequent basis and she would always have cookies for me and Sabrina. She always had wafer cookies for me in particular since those were my favorites. I remember it really clearly too. She had one of those spinning scrabble boards that you can turn to face you when it's your turn. Often on Sundays or holidays we would all get together over there. The whole family. My dad's brother, Lily's two kids and their families... the gang. The men would sit around and play cards and I remember these occasions as lovely, sepia-toned moments where there was a lot of laughter and love. It's really strange for me to remember this because we all rarely see each other now. It's hard for me to really say what happened although my guess is a slight increase in distance and laziness. Who knows though. Perhaps there was stuff underlying all along that I could really see.

I try to have messages at the ends of such lengthy stories here for you. Like a sum-up, but I have to say that I don't really have one here. I just wanted to remember it out loud for you. Thanks for listening.

I definitely agree that it would have been easier to move out closer to the end of college. Or straight out of college. When freedom was fresher in my mind and money was less of a real entity. But here I am, closing in on three years later (WOW). I know it's something I need to do. I had a serious heart to heart with my friend Allison on Saturday night when we were hanging out after our neighborhood Chanukah party (how cute is that??) She gave me some tough love, which I need. She told me everything I was saying basically was an excuse, which it is, valid or not. And as always, she emphasized how these decisions are not PERMANENT. I don't quite know why this is a hard concept for me to wrap my head around. I think it's because my parents will often stay in situations where they are unhappy even though there are alternatives. Like my mom's job with the crazy commute. She doesn't like the job, her friends are retired, and she spends hours in the car every day? Add the new principal from last year? WHY do this for 20something years? but that's just an example. And I think growing up with this as the only model probably makes it hard for me to understand that if you choose something and it doesn't work out, you can choose something else. I know we've talked about this. I just need to keep telling myself over and over. So I booked a weekend in Park Slope by a friend who can show me the community. Are you still planning to come the second weekend in January? I have it booked for you!

How are the vitamins going? I have gained a bit of experience in these things recently and I can say that there are some lemon-flavored omegas that really don't taste fishy at all. The once I use now (Nordic Naturals) don't have any after taste at all, but they aren't vegan. They also have powders that you can stir in to drinks. Also, have you read the Wait But Why about the 10 types of friends? It's a really good one as always, so if you get a couple hours you should read it (WHY ARE THEY SO LONG???) OH, and yeah I definitely remember your magic scandinavian sleeping habits. I tell people about it sometimes since it amazing me so.

I saw Eric Kaplan (do you remember him from college?) at Amanda's party last week and he was telling me about this trip for Jews to Germany. It's like 800$ish for a whole ten day trip, all inclusive. There are a couple of different ones I'm deciding between. One is more religious and requires me to keep kosher, but might be a crowd I might be more able to relate to or on the other hand might be too religious. For the most part it seems like both trip focus on Berlin, but they visit other cities. The less religious one is in early May and goes to Hamburg and Bremen. The more religious one is in late may/early June and visits Munich and Leipzig. I'll have to look into the cities more and ask anyone if they want to apply with me (You have to apply. There are essays involved), but ultimately I think it's probably going to come down to the one with the later deadline. I wish you could come. I'm pretty sure it's only open to Jews though. I was also thinking I might extend the trip and spend some solo travel time in Austria if I feel up to it. I've been feeling lately that if there's anywhere for me to have solo travel experience it's there since it's a personal place for me and I'd want to go, like, to the house where my grandfather lived and stuff like that. But also I keep seeing the most amazing pictures on blogs from Austria and I just think it would be awesome. I'm not married to the solo travel thing.

None of this rules out Peru in my mind. I'm just going to put it on the table that I'm open to that. I KNOW this is reading into it and ridiculous, but you do keep saying "my trip to Peru" which is FINE, I just wanted to SAY that I'm in if you want me and the dates work and I'm totally cool if you have another travel buddy. Seriously, either way, but I just thought I'd put it out in the open so that IF awkwardness was lurking, it need not do so now. If that makes sense.

IF you DO want me, here's my deal:
I'm most likely employed until Mid-February. The 13th, I think? Pending the show actually getting picked up for a new season, which to my knowledge, it has not yet. So I could end work earlier. 'Tis possible. I might be able to get more details if that is necessary. That weekend is President's weekend which is PROBABLY though not definitely when we are having some kind of 90th birthday celebration for my grandfather. Details frustratingly still to be decided, though my sister has really been pushing for answers so that she can book her frickin' plane ticket. Purim is the night of March 4th/day of March 5th. It's not something I NEED to be around for, but while we're mentioning dates, what the hell, right? Plus I know how you love Purim.

There were a bunch of things that have come to me in the last week or so. Sentences that should be in here now, but are long forgotten. If i remember them, I'll try to write them down for next time. Until then, I think this is long enough. A merry Christmas to you!