I realize you might not be able to relate to this, but sometimes I envy Dream Jenna. It feels good to have things going on and make clear decisions and know things so absolutely when I'm dreaming. Like I really feel it, and it feels like a relief most of the time, whenever it's not, you know, crazy bizarre or terrifying. But it's always strange waking up from a rememberable dream and having to find where I am all over again.
First off (or second, I guess), no worries about not posting. I get it, and being forgiving really just allows me the leeway to wait that long at some point in the future. So when I said no pressure, I did mean it. That being said I do apologize in advance because I have a feeling this is not going to be one of those posts where I go through your post and respond to every line of it. The main reason is that despite my best efforts, my brain cannot focus on rereading your post. So. That.
I did however want to post tonight because I'm starting a new job tomorrow! It's another casting position, but it's for a competition show that I've seen, so I think I'm probably going to like it better than the last one, which is good. Plus, it's certainly nice to have a modicum of optimism about working in general. The show is called House of DVF. It's like a top model-esque competition only to become the brand ambassador for DVF (diane von furstenberg). I think it could be like through the end of January? Not really sure. He said four weeks and then it could extend four weeks, but I don't know if that includes a two week break for christmas or not.
So I've actually enjoyed the day instead of feeling absolute dread for having to start a new job tomorrow. That's gotta be a good sign, right? Ugh, I am so not coming up with things to say here tonight.
I'm really glad you're in a better headspace and that turning around on the bed helped even though it still just feels wrong. I mean you're not facing the door, and you're facing the wall and the window. But whatever works. I am sorry about the job stuff though. I understand how frustrating it must be, and while it is definitely nice to actually get a response from these jobs, it would obviously be nicer to get a positive response.
I also can't believe that this year is almost over. Actually, funny story. Every Friday night my mom and I sit on the couch after dinner and read/sleep. She always falls asleep pretty quickly and I always try to keep talking to her anyway. This past weekend, I said "I can't believe it's going to be 2015. I mean, it's crazy. It's like the future. It sounds like a sci-fi movie." And she, half asleep, responded "Well, maybe if you're lucky there will be leftovers for you." I actually did think about it for a second before concluding that, no, it didn't make any sense, and when I said "WHAT???" She realized she had said something strange and we both had a good laugh. This happens from time to time actually. Once she asked me something about green pasta. It's always good fun.
By the way THANKS for the overdue credit about pregnancy being weird. I'm glad you finally understand. I feel vindicated. I'm trying to think about what else is going on in my life and my brain, but I honestly can't. I've been feeling pretty stressed lately. Like big picture stressed about life and where I'm going with it. I've been especially stressed about moving out. I think this is because I realized just how much I like living at home. I mean, it's comfortable. It's my home. I love my room and my bed and my routine and being able to hang around all day inside alone when I'm not working and not worry about finding a new job right away. I love having my cat and not having to feel guilty about leaving her. I love having meals cooked for me when I get home late and laundry done for me even when I'm being a bitch. I love that I finally figured out what drawers pants go in (ish). And when I list all these out (which I haven't, but I have in my head many times), the pros list is so much longer than the cons. Except it just so happens that the cons are major. Like the commute. Like having to walk in the rain to an interview on a day like today. Like the fact that I don't get along with my dad and that my mom asks all those thousands of questions. Or like the fact that I'm not living a life that is productive or active or social in any way because I am so comfortable here. And I know all these things, but I have to keep telling them to myself because coming to terms with knowing something is the right decision even though it feels so so so hard is... well, really really hard.
So that's where my brain has been at. Obviously in addition to all the job stuff and the travel stuff. I should really go to bed now since I have to be rested and chipper in the stupid weather tomorrow. I don't like that this was the second interview in a row I had to go to in pouring rain. I mean the wind literally almost knocked me over today. (It was worse in Queens). Off to prep and sleep now. And mourn the fact that I didn't get to see Kate and Will. Damn.
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