I actually thought about looking up which would have been correct, but then laziness won out. In any case it was nice. And it still is nice whenever I get brief flashbacks. And when I talk to people about the trip that actually care to hear it.
Thank you again for the congrats. The job is going pretty well. The hours are better than Chopped, and I think I'm proving myself even with missing 6 days in the 6 weeks they've hired me for. I've been working Sundays to make up for it, which isn't the most fun, but it's not so bad. My boss is pretty trusting and not on top of me, so it's nice. The flip side is that sometimes it is hard to get a hold of her or get what I need from her. She is really good at talking to people though, and that's always fascinating to listen to.
Still, sometimes I wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life (specifically, as opposed to the general way I always feel this). This feeling has been compounded by the new show, which is just THE typical reality. I think at Chopped, I was able to tell myself that the content was somehow of a slightly higher caliber. Now, being away from it, I realize that was largely nonsense, but it somehow feel worse now. I know not everyone can be saving the world or building an empire of Jars, but it seems like there is probably some middle ground that I've yet to discover. For a while now I've been thinking I'm not meant to be in TV. There is a part of me that thinks I'm just not in the right place, that I need to be trying other things, finding a way into scripted, or even writing. Another part of me feels like I really need to be thinking about what else is out there for me. Which I am doing. Constantly.
To answer your questions: No it is not super intense yet- still kind of confused by my boss's nonstop fluctuations between telling me how we're on a tight schedule and telling me that I can leave early. Trying not to worry too much about it because obviously it's pretty sweet. Also there's only so many hours in a day you can stare at a computer doing research. My position is a lot less demanding than at Chopped. She calls me her assistant, which bugs me, but I supposed I am just a glorified assistant. I don't mean this in a womp womp depressing way, but I seriously am. Still, I'll take the glory. And no, no one is impressed by my vast TV knowledge because of how little I know about reality TV. They keep mentioning housewives or spin offs that I've never heard of and I just keep having to shrug. But honestly, I'm pretty proud of that. It's also nice to not have the pressure of being that person. I know we've talked about that before.
On to you...
I'm glad India was good, and I hear what you're saying about how sometimes even if things are stressful, you feel like you are gaining a new life experience. Like I'm probably not going to have to deal with any of this party planning stuff until a wedding rolls around, and even then my parents are technically the hosts, so I guess my first kid's bar mitzvah??? I hope you're feeling better and readjusting to the time and all that.
I'm so sorry to hear that you're miserable at work. And since misery loves company, I just want you to know, though I think you already do, that I really, really, empathize and get what you're going through. Branching out of what you've been doing is pretty damn hard, and you're right, they just want to keep hiring you for the same thing because that's what you're "qualified for". Only in the most shallow, surface way. Only one in ten people, if that, actually looks at your skills and thinks "oh, you're smart, and the rest of this is no doubt transferable." Because why take a chance on someone in an over-saturated market where there are a dozen people or more who do have the experience???
If it makes you feel any better, I do really believe in that one in ten, although maybe it's a slightly worse ratio than that. But the fact remains that someone WILL see you as the smart, hard working person that you are and realize that you will be an asset to their team. That's kind of what happened to me at my job. It's not completely different since it's still casting reality, but you'd be surprised how specific they get with these postings. "Looking for EXPERIENCED associate who has worked with Bravo before on a show that somehow has to do with anteaters."
I think that trying to stay positive once you've admitted to yourself that you are unhappy is hard. It's like before you do, you can convince yourself that the feelings aren't there, but admitting to them means you have to deal with them. So I will go easy on yourself a little because of that. Dealing with this stuff is hard, especially when a lot of it is out of your control, but that doesn't mean that you are stagnant or that you are wallowing. It means you are dealing. And your are entitled to your fair share of complaining as you deal. And need I remind you to go back several posts to where you told me never to censor myself here? Complain all you want, my friend, that's what I'm here for (also for vacations... don't forget that part. It's key.)
I'm excited for you that you are staying in your apartment more. I get that it must be really hard. I think I'm starting to admit to myself how much is keeping me here. I kept telling myself I'd be out in a minute if only... (if only an apartment popped up in front of my face with the right type of Jewish community. if only I had the money. If only I wasn't working and had the time. If only I was working because I like being home while I'm not working...) It occurred to me that I have been acknowledging all the reasons keeping me here at home, but not really registering that they are feelings rather than boxes on a checklist. The great things about home are no rent, big room, my cat... It only just occurred to me that it's really hard to leave these comforts and that I'm afraid to. I'm afraid to have to pay rent and watch my bank account dwindle between jobs. I'm afraid to spend less time with my cat as she grows older and sicker. I'm afraid to live in another space that feels nice but will never be my room. All I have to go on have been temporary houses in college or Israel. Starting to make an actual adult life and home is hard to wrap your head around, especially with home so close by (part of the reason I wanted to go far away) Anyway my point is, again, that this is hard stuff and I agree that it will go away and start feeling like home, but knowing it doesn't alway help when you're feeling sad and having a hard time.
So, again, that's what I'm here for.
It's late, so the other stuff I was going to talk to you about/tell you (Rosh Hashanah, Hannahbear, the pizza stone story) will have to wait. I would love to get dinner sometime. Perhaps early next week after my sister has left and before Sukkot starts. Maybe Tuesday night? (The 7th?) More soon!
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