I'm finally having a light week and it feels wonderful. This is not to rub it in, since there is a full book I should be reading (for next tuesday) and eventually I'll have to get to it. But I've been enjoying the relaxing nature of an hour here and an hour there. I hope I get to see you tomorrow because this is sad face. That's right. I went there.
My birthday is now about 5 days past and I'm sad it's gone but it was a good one. Last year was 20 and I found it incredibly stressful. It's nice being able to reflect back and learn that it wasn't the getting older every year part that was giving me panic attacks. It was leaving a stage of my life, which has never been easy for me anyway. 21 was not as difficult. I know it's a big deal because of blah blah blah but I don't really drink and I don't really gamble and the greatest thing was being able to enter the bowling alley at my house after 8pm on saturday night (the have 21+ nights). I also can't wait to go to a 21+ concert. Because I have horrible luck with being able to go to concerts and this is just one more barrier broken down between Jenna and the next time Boyce Avenue is in NYC. But the reason I was happy about the lack of panic attacks for 21 was that I love my birthday. When I was freaking out last year, I was worried that this was it, that I couldn't enjoy my birthday anymore. I was afraid that my carefree birthday glory days were over. I stressed about who to spend it with, how to make everyone happy, and most of all how I could possibly make myself happy under the circumstances of getting older and being in a place in life where I felt short on people to whom I connected (/run on sentence). Looking back, I don't think there was anything that could've made it easier. I don't think it was one of those things where I could've been happier if... Honestly, I stress about things, it's what I do. And as stressful things go, I think in that case it was warranted.
But this year was nice. Maybe I've learned to love the people around me a little more. Maybe having the new spheres of life (house, journalism etc.) is good for me. Maybe it's just that I wasn't ending a decade. Maybe I was just more laid back about everything being "special" for my birthday. I don't know what it was but I sat back and enjoyed. I got an Entertainment Weekly subscription, an AMC gift card, and from my mom--- ADOBE INDESIGN!!! I hope I have time to install it tomorrow. I'm so excited to be playing around with it. I also got some cash and 21 scratch off lotto tickets that I haven't finished scratching. Also a little purple pillow that says "Crown Royal" (from Eric's company). Oh and a target gift card. I think that's probably all.
Point of the story is that birthdays are weird because they make you reflect and think about where you've been, where you are, and where you're going. For an anxiety-ridden college student, those are humongous things to think about. I don't- can't- blame myself for freaking out. I just need to take some deep breaths and eat me some chocolate. See you tomorrow!
<3 J
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