Bringebar Boller

Because it's fun to say, and I'm assuming you're saying it now too.

Ok let me get the elephant in the room out of the way first. Or at least, what I feel is the elephant in the room. (And I will also resist the urge to do a Seinfeld-esque segue about why we say elephant anyway?)

Yeah, I was a bit upset. But it wasn't all your fault. I've generally been down with regards to friends lately. I know I've mentioned to you that I was a little disappointed that Allison wasn't as present as I expected when I was living in the Heights. And I think I also might have mentioned to you that Amanda was totally absent the last few months too. (I didn't tell you that she texted the night before my trip to see if I was around because she was "trying to go out someplace but tbd location." - her birthday was a couple of days later...  - and when I said Sorry I'm leaving on my trip tomorrow night, she said- Where are you going?). Honestly, the point is not to really get into it all right now, but rather to explain that yeah, maybe I haven't been in the best of places and I had just gotten back from my trip, which was great (!) but also kind of symbolized the end of dreaming about the trip and the beginning of thinking long and hard about what I want and need to be doing in life. And with all of that and again, other little things that accumulate that are beside the point right now, when you canceled, I just felt like I didn't have the energy to try. So I just said OK, I just need a minute. It'll be fine. I'll get over it. But I just don't feel like it right now.

And I'm sorry, for disappearing and not dealing with it in the best way. Really, I do recognize that it was a terrible way of communicating. But I just... I don't know. Didn't feel like just letting it roll off my shoulders and didn't feel like putting the effort in to actually confront. I did actually mean to write this in bowl before the cruise, but time just got away from me with the family being here and packing last minute. I also acknowledge that you have obviously also had a bunch going on in your life that is stressful and time consuming, so I get why I'm not necessarily always your first priority and you need to focus on what's in front of you.

On to that then, so great that you found a new apartment that you like and are happy with and that everything worked out even though it didn't necessarily look like it would. I can't believe you moved all the way downtown. I am shocked, since I thought you were sticking around the UWS. And 2nd Avenue? Have you never heard my rant about 2nd Avenue??? No but seriously, it seems like an awesome location and I'm certainly happy that a. It has an elevator and b. I think it's around the corner from the F train? That's pretty sweet.

Also so happy to hear that you got a new job - Congrats!- and that you are happier in work. I hope that as you start doing more things you decide that they are things you enjoy doing. The certification thing is definitely a little scary, but at least you are learning whether it is something you really want before you take them, right? And in that case it makes the studying a little more worth it. Also- SOOO much luck for your test next week. I hope this post provides a pleasant break in between working and studying and stressing. I guess I should probably right pleasant things...

How is the baby by the way??

I plan to actually post my trip pictures at some point. I was really lazing around the last few weeks and my photoshop isn't working and the whole thing seems a bit overwhelming- not sure why. But the trip was really great. The program part in Germany was really fun and interesting. We had all these panels where we met journalists, politicians, academics, and religious leaders etc. to talk about modern Jewish life in Germany and all kinds of things. It was a really cool way to learn about a country and I made some friends that I might actually keep in touch with. Afterward was cool too. I didn't have everything planned like where to stay etc., so that was a little stressful, and my shabbat plans for the weekend after the trip got canceled last minute, but honestly the problem solving felt a little nice. Like that's the whole point in a lot of ways.

I liked having the freedom to change my mind about things on a whim and just walk around and do what I want. It was lonely sometimes, and sometimes I'd have a down day and just feel like I was doing it wrong. And sometimes, like on our trip, I just was crippled by having to make decisions. But overall it felt good and freeing, and like I didn't have to answer to anything. And that I could cope with rain and cancelled plans and sharing a room with 5 boys and finding out how to get where I'm going even though the people in Linz did not speak English. But I think those are the things that stand out as memories the most. Like not knowing where we were going in Flam. Like having to actually translate for a German lady in a bakery in Stockholm. (WTF?) Like getting back to my luggage locker to find that it had malfunctioned and been open the whole time I was gone and nearly crying on the floor when I found that nothing was missing.

The cruise was actually pretty nice too. It was hard being in such close quarters with my dad, but my sister and mom got along pretty well, so it was actually fun. I do love cruises. It's nice to just relax, although I did get antsy at times when there wasn't much to do. We got a bit less time than I would have liked in Puerto Rico since it was Friday and shabbat there started at 6:46 and we didn't get there until after 3. But I still convinced them just to walk around with me (They wanted to find a beach or a pool. Seriously. 3 hours in a place you've never been?) Then Saturday we were in St. Thomas. We all got off the ship except my dad- It's not strictly speaking ok with the rules of Shabbat, but I'm pretty convinced that he just didn't want to go at all...

In any case we walked around the port where there are all these weird diamond shops- seriously in every port- and then started walking toward the real town even though taxi drivers were harassing us Taxi? Taxi? Taxi? One even sort of jokingly yelled at Max because we are there to stimulate their economy by spending money. It was a good point, but really not worth explaining the concept of Shabbos. Anyway, we walked for what seemed to me like 5 minutes, but they said longer and I think it's because I'm used to long walks being a "normal" distance in cities after my trip. Sabrina kept making comments about how we don't now if it's a safe area or where we're going or blah blah blah even though we had a map and it was a main road. She was freaking out though and my mom was like "We don't even know if there's anything to do when we get there."

Seriously, what does that mean? Something to do? Like this IS the something that you do. You walk around and sightsee. I'm glad Max was there to back me up, because otherwise I would have turned back with them, and what ended up happening was that Sabrina and my mom took Hannah back and Max and I walked into the town and around. It was gorgeous out and we walked along the water and got to see the synagogue there. The next day we went to a gorgeous beach on Grand Turk, where there was really not much else going on except a LOT of donkeys. It was really nice and I missed having unlimited soft serve and dinner decided for me every night.

I'm tired so I'll go now and give you more next time, but let me know when you want to hang out. Until then Good Luck!!!