HAPPY (belated) BIRTHDAY!

I really wanted you to get a special birthday post. But, on your birthday, I was at work until midnight. No joke. My boss paid for an Uber home for me though, which was a nice perk. Foregoing that, I really wanted you to have a birthday weekend post, but somehow last Sunday got away from me between a funeral for someone in the neighborhood's father and the Superbowl party at Jen and Eric's in Fairlawn. After that, it was pretty much a foregone conclusion that it would wait until this weekend. And even so, I almost forgot.

So Happy Birthday!!! This will be my last week at this job, so I can go back to posting more frequently until the next one come along. I want to hear about your birthday! Did you guys go to dinner? Did Elphaba sing you happy birthday? (That's not a thing, don't worry.) Have there been any other celebrations? When does you GMAT class start?

I wish I kept a list on my phone of things I think about throughout the day that I always want to put in the next bowl. I really should start doing that. Here's one of the things I remember:

One of my recent epiphanies was the following: I think (and talk) a lot about how I don't know what I want. And it's true. And it's frustrating. I don't have a specific life goal in mind. I don't have a specific career goal in mind. I don't know where I want to live, or what I want to be doing. Ugh, even typing it is making me a little sick, to be honest. Where are you going with this, Jenna? Oh right the epiphany. Instead of worrying about not knowing what I want, instead of freaking out that I don't have a plan or a goal to work toward and that I'm confused about almost everything, I should really make it a point to do the things I actually DO want to do. It seems pretty simple, but it kind of hit me like a ton of bricks. Like holy crap, why do you spend so much time obsessing over why you don't know what you want and trying to figure it out? There are things, small and big, that you DO want to do: Travel, live abroad, go to a quiz night at a bar, see my friends once in a while, learn a language, figure out how to pay taxes. Do those! At least then you're moving in a direction. Trying to figure out what I want can be paralyzing, and maybe it has been all this time. It should be noted that this epiphany has not stopped my anxiety or worrying, but I do still feel strongly about it and felt it was worth sharing.

Another thing I remember from a while ago wanting to post about is something one of our applicants said in her home video. It was a weird home video: I mean, these girls get instructions with questions that we want them to answer, and some put a little style on it or do different questions or just talk about themselves. This one was like a perfume commercial. It was like, footage of her as a silhouette getting out of bed and cooking and stuff with a really low energy, bizarre voiceover over it. But I did watch through it a bit, and I did take something away from it. She said something that rang very true to me and it was this: I'm afraid of being a success at something I don't like. It felt like a familiar feeling that no one had put into word before. Because yeah, being a success at something is never a bad thing- it's not something you can complain about right? Except that if it's not what you want to be doing, even if you don't know what that is, then being good at it just makes it harder to leave or to change paths. And being good at it means people will say "Really? You don't like it? But you're good at it?" And it turns out, that is just as valid an emotion as being afraid of never finding out what you DO want to do. Even if I can't figure out where to go, I know that I'm not super happy with where I am currently. So instead of thinking that if I find the right fit, I'll decide that I actually do think reality casting is my life calling, I need to shake things up.

God, even reading that sentence over I feel ridiculous. What do I think the right fit will be that will make me think reality casting is my calling? Seriously? What the hell am I doing? I mean it's all well and good to keep doing what comes along while I figure it out, but do I really feel that way? Do I think that if I'm casting for a History Channel series, or a quiz show, or American Idol I'll feel differently about this? Wow. Brand new epiphany.

Anyway, lately I've been thinking I need to try and get back into a talk show format. Ideally a comedy style one, like the Daily Show. Obviously- WAY easier said than done, but it is a development nonetheless.

Another development is that one of Allison's friends in Washington Heights is getting married in late March and looking to sublet. It's $870 for what I'm told is a pretty large room in the Fort Washington area (a nicer, more hipster-y area in the Heights) with "non-cliche Heights people as roommates" - meaning, not the more religiousy "Jewish bubble" types. So that's nice. The girl is really flexible about when I want to move in, so I can wait until after Pesach if I want, and she'll leave her furniture if I want, and there's a possibility to extend when the sublet ends in July. Soooo even though I don't feel ready, this one kinda seems like it's being handed to me on a silver platter. And I think having Allison nearby will be good for me because she'll encourage me to get out there and do things. You'd appreciate her tough love approach. So anyway, I told the girl I want to come look at the apartment.

Thoughts on your post:
- I agree that unexpected and spontaneous things end up being the most fun. I'm glad me stopping by was that for you! It was for me too, and sleeping until 7:45 was about the greatest way to start a Friday, too. And I was still the first one in the office? Is this how people who live close to things feel all the time???

- I'm glad you enjoyed your snowday. I really enjoyed, again, sleeping late, but I somehow managed to work 12 hours anyway. I might have mentioned, but he's a bit of a Jekyl and Hyde, and Hyde was appearing much more that week because it was our final pitch and we didn't have the numbers. I think it all worked out, but he gets in these moods where he yells at you for not doing something you never discussed, and then he forgets what you said instantly. I still thought I liked him when it came down to it until this past Monday. It was snowing, and I knew the commute home would be a nightmare. He'd left for a meeting at 5, so I thought leaving at 6:30 (On time) wouldn't be a problem. He sent an email at 6 saying, Hey, can I call you at 6:30? I sent back, sure no problem, but I was going to try and get out of here on time because of the snow. I know the trains are already a mess. He calls at 6:30, yells at me for not doing being on top of the paperwork that I'd been asking about all day and he'd been telling me to prioritize last because he could do it, and then told me to send out a grid that I'd never seen and didn't know what to do with. Then, as I'm scrambling, annoyed and anxious to figure out what he's talking about, get it done, and get the hell out of there. He replies to my email (even though he just spoke to me) and says "I'm all for getting out on time, but you were 45 minutes late this morning (By the way- because it was pouring, there was an inch of unshoveled SLUSH to walk through and the bus took, literally, twice the normal amount of time) and you left us hanging for that document on Friday. Okay, so first of all, no I didn't. I checked in with you five times on Friday, constantly telling you how much time I had before I had to leave, and asking you the best way I should use that time and you specifically told me to do other things before that document. Second of all, you knew when you hired me that I leave early on Fridays. Don't hold that against me. And seriously, 45 minutes? You still want me in at 9, half hour earlier than everyone else, to make up the time I miss on Fridays, but you give me no credit for staying until 8 most days and some days until 11 and 12? And Third of all, you send this all to me NOW in a passive aggressive email when I'm really just trying to get home- something I don't think is unreasonable? So yeah, I'm not so sure I'd like to work for him again after that. The next, morning he sent an email that I should switch desks with the casting editor who works IN HIS OFFICE and I had to move out of the desk I've been at for six weeks, out of the office with my coworkers who can commiserate with me, and into a smaller desk in his office, where he yelled at me for most of that morning. He got a bit better after that, and I think Thursday and Friday were completely free of yelling, but still. Kind of ready to be done this Friday. Turns out that had nothing to do with your post.

- Elite chocolate is delicious. Have you ever had their Pop Rock chocolate? It's crazy. And Amazing. Check it out.

- I think you're right. I should frame "These are not permanent decisions" Maybe I could do a fun DIY thing with it and make it look cool.

- You should try studying in the library. I mean the NY Public Library. The big one, by Bryant Park. It's not so far from your office. It's strange though that you say Rutgers had so many places, because I wrote this article once about the overcrowding affecting study spaces. It stands out to me because it was one of my favorite pieces of writing from college. My professor singled it out in class, and then someone from a related college journalism website came to talk to us and singled it out too. It's one of my little moments of pride from college, and in less confident times, one of those things I point to as a strike of lightening that I have trouble replicating, which is why I can't be a writer.

- I'm overthinking the blogging thinking, I have been for years, and I know it. But I think part of the problem is thinking that if I'm going to do it- I should do it all the way. Meaning buy hosting, and really start off with all of the lessons bloggers say they wish they would have started with. Most likely that's a good idea, but also, most likely, it would be a better idea to not overthink it and not put pressure on it if I'd rather just see how it goes. More on that another time I suppose.

-OH NO! I'm so sorry I didn't register that you wanted to come this Shabbos. JENNA! PAY ATTENTION! PLEASE pick another shabbos (that isn't the 21st)

-In the meantime, SACRED CHOW THIS THURSDAY! Woot!

Okay, it's pretty late now, so I'm going to head to bed. Talk to you soon!