There's probably some middle ground that I've yet to discover

I agree it's great talking to people about the trip who actually want to hear about it. It's especially nice when you have one of those random flashbacks and are with someone you can share it with.

So glad the job is going well! Yay!Working sundays most definitely does not sound fun but if you enjoy your work then I suppose its not so bad. I agree its very fascinating to listen to people who are good with other. Whenever I meet someone who is just so natural and great at talking to people I always try to observe them and take mental notes but then just end up being my awkward self at the end of the day.

I always wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life. It's funny and comforting to hear you feel the same way too because I always think I feel this way because I work in finance and its the typical useless industry that's just all about making money. You would think TV is an industry that's more artistic and people who work in it are more about following their passions and all. But go figure. This also leads me to think that unless you work for greenpeace or own JARS maybe every 20 something feels like this. Have I told you about the book the defining decade? Its all about how your 20s are the most important decade and she goes over all these problems that people in our age have and how we feel and how to deal with it. I would recommend reading it but don't expect it will have all the answers its more just about getting perspective I think. One part in the book I think back to often is the end where this girl asks an older person "Am I going to make it?" and he replies " You haven't decided yet." So that's profound and scary at the same time. It's a nonfiction book in case that wasn't implied. But yes anyways my point is that maybe regardless of what we do we will feel like this and that's just because we are ambitious people who do want to do something worthwhile when in reality any job we can get so early in our careers won't really give us that satisfaction.

Along the same lines I am also constantly thinking about what else is out there for me. Some days I feel trapped and some days the possibilities feel endless. There's a great Ted talk by Priya Parker on how a lot of smart, talented people end up in professions that don't make a difference in world and how those people can work to unwind themselves from those jobs to wind up in ones where they will make a difference while also making themselves happy. The talk is great but again all these things just seem easier said than done. Some days I also feel like I am worrying about it too much and I should just go with the flow and things will work themselves out. And then I freak out that I'm not doing enough or taking advantage of my opportunities. So yea. Confusion.

I wonder if 10 years from now we will look back on all these things and be amused or are we going to be like..nothing has changed? I certainly hope not. Things should change.

I know sounded very depressed and down in my last post and to tell you the truth I really was but thankfully I was able to get enough perspective in my life to stop feeling that way after a couple of days. I think it just really got to me because I felt like I had been job hunting for SO long and after all that to think I hadn't found something good just made me feel like a failure. But now Ive kind of come to the conclusion that while yes I don't have a new job yet and yes that certainly sucks that shouldn't be the be all and end all of my life and my mood. I think Ive been so hung up on the job thing that I never really took the time to celebrate the things that I did manage to change in my life like moving out or going to Scandinavia with you! These are still pretty big things that at one point in the past I only hoped to have and now I have it. I did it, and regardless of what is going on in my job life it should still make me happy. Also when I was whining to one of my friends from work he was just like first world problems Monisha, and after I was like ugh I was like..this is true. I have a job that pays me enough to lead a great life and I should be thankful of that instead of whining about it constantly.

So yes Im doing better now. Something I think also helped is that I was really resisting doing the work in my new team/becoming a part of it thinking that if I didn't get attached to it then it would be easier to leave. But ultimately all that did was make my present a living hell because of the bets I was placing on my future. Now Im trying to be more involved and weirdly enough its making things better. So I will let you know how this week goes.

As for the apartment that too is getting much easier. Once I got over the this is all new and freaky feeling I realized the my commute is now ten minutes and I have way more time to myself feeling and that feeling is fantastic. So yea just starting trouble.

I have to say though that even when Im going through all this your empathy is great and knowing you are here for me does make it all that much better. The great thing is when someone can take what you're feeling and paraphrase it for you. Then you really know they get what youre saying.

Some other life updates:
1. I went to my friend's wedding yesterday and it was so much fun I can't wait to start attending more. At the same time its crazy to think people in my age group can be MARRIED so maybe I can.

2.  Sorry this bowl is so late the wifi in my apt last week was not working hopefully I will find a way to be much more punctual with this now.

I guess I only had 2...ah well.  As for dinner this week I would love to except I can't do tuesday but any other day I would love to! Can't wait to hear more stories soon! (especially the pizza stone one).

Dreamed, Dreamt... Tomato, Tomahto

I actually thought about looking up which would have been correct, but then laziness won out. In any case it was nice. And it still is nice whenever I get brief flashbacks. And when I talk to people about the trip that actually care to hear it.

Thank you again for the congrats. The job is going pretty well. The hours are better than Chopped, and I think I'm proving myself even with missing 6 days in the 6 weeks they've hired me for. I've been working Sundays to make up for it, which isn't the most fun, but it's not so bad. My boss is pretty trusting and not on top of me, so it's nice. The flip side is that sometimes it is hard to get a hold of her or get what I need from her. She is really good at talking to people though, and that's always fascinating to listen to.

Still, sometimes I wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life (specifically, as opposed to the general way I always feel this). This feeling has been compounded by the new show, which is just THE typical reality. I think at Chopped, I was able to tell myself that the content was somehow of a slightly higher caliber. Now, being away from it, I realize that was largely nonsense, but it somehow feel worse now. I know not everyone can be saving the world or building an empire of Jars, but it seems like there is probably some middle ground that I've yet to discover. For a while now I've been thinking I'm not meant to be in TV. There is a part of me that thinks I'm just not in the right place, that I need to be trying other things, finding a way into scripted, or even writing. Another part of me feels like I really need to be thinking about what else is out there for me. Which I am doing. Constantly.

To answer your questions: No it is not super intense yet- still kind of confused by my boss's nonstop fluctuations between telling me how we're on a tight schedule and telling me that I can leave early. Trying not to worry too much about it because obviously it's pretty sweet. Also there's only so many hours in a day you can stare at a computer doing research. My position is a lot less demanding than at Chopped. She calls me her assistant, which bugs me, but I supposed I am just a glorified assistant. I don't mean this in a womp womp depressing way, but I seriously am. Still, I'll take the glory. And no, no one is impressed by my vast TV knowledge because of how little I know about reality TV. They keep mentioning housewives or spin offs that I've never heard of and I just keep having to shrug. But honestly, I'm pretty proud of that. It's also nice to not have the pressure of being that person. I know we've talked about that before.

On to you...

I'm glad India was good, and I hear what you're saying about how sometimes even if things are stressful, you feel like you are gaining a new life experience. Like I'm probably not going to have to deal with any of this party planning stuff until a wedding rolls around, and even then my parents are technically the hosts, so I guess my first kid's bar mitzvah??? I hope you're feeling better and readjusting to the time and all that.

I'm so sorry to hear that you're miserable at work. And since misery loves company, I just want you to know, though I think you already do, that I really, really, empathize and get what you're going through. Branching out of what you've been doing is pretty damn hard, and you're right, they just want to keep hiring you for the same thing because that's what you're "qualified for". Only in the most shallow, surface way. Only one in ten people, if that, actually looks at your skills and thinks "oh, you're smart, and the rest of this is no doubt transferable." Because why take a chance on someone in an over-saturated market where there are a dozen people or more who do have the experience???

If it makes you feel any better, I do really believe in that one in ten, although maybe it's a slightly worse ratio than that. But the fact remains that someone WILL see you as the smart, hard working person that you are and realize that you will be an asset to their team. That's kind of what happened to me at my job. It's not completely different since it's still casting reality, but you'd be surprised how specific they get with these postings. "Looking for EXPERIENCED associate who has worked with Bravo before on a show that somehow has to do with anteaters."

I think that trying to stay positive once you've admitted to yourself that you are unhappy is hard. It's like before you do, you can convince yourself that the feelings aren't there, but admitting to them means you have to deal with them. So I will go easy on yourself a little because of that. Dealing with this stuff is hard, especially when a lot of it is out of your control, but that doesn't mean that you are stagnant or that you are wallowing. It means you are dealing. And your are entitled to your fair share of complaining as you deal. And need I remind you to go back several posts to where you told me never to censor myself here? Complain all you want, my friend, that's what I'm here for (also for vacations... don't forget that part. It's key.)

I'm excited for you that you are staying in your apartment more. I get that it must be really hard. I think I'm starting to admit to myself how much is keeping me here. I kept telling myself I'd be out in a minute if only... (if only an apartment popped up in front of my face with the right type of Jewish community. if only I had the money. If only I wasn't working and had the time. If only I was working because I like being home while I'm not working...) It occurred to me that I have been acknowledging all the reasons keeping me here at home, but not really registering that they are feelings rather than boxes on a checklist. The great things about home are no rent, big room, my cat... It only just occurred to me that it's really hard to leave these comforts and that I'm afraid to. I'm afraid to have to pay rent and watch my bank account dwindle between jobs. I'm afraid to spend less time with my cat as she grows older and sicker. I'm afraid to live in another space that feels nice but will never be my room. All I have to go on have been temporary houses in college or Israel. Starting to make an actual adult life and home is hard to wrap your head around, especially with home so close by (part of the reason I wanted to go far away) Anyway my point is, again, that this is hard stuff and I agree that it will go away and start feeling like home, but knowing it doesn't alway help when you're feeling sad and having a hard time.

So, again, that's what I'm here for.

It's late, so the other stuff I was going to talk to you about/tell you (Rosh Hashanah, Hannahbear, the pizza stone story) will have to wait. I would love to get dinner sometime. Perhaps early next week after my sister has left and before Sukkot starts. Maybe Tuesday night? (The 7th?) More soon!

I dreamt of Europe

I have to say the beginning of your last post started off great. I felt like I was reading a book. Also I am extremely jealous of said dreams. It would be great to get to experience all of that again even if only in my dreams. I would also like to wake up feeling very rested and relaxed because that hasnt happened in a while but more on that later. Also great that you rode your bike! I miss my old bike, its really a shame it had to be thrown away.

So I know I congratulated you already, but seriously Yay! Mainly because I know how stressed you were before leaving for our vacation about finding a job and figuring out life post vacation so Im happy that at least partly it got figured out and that too soon. I know I certainly felt like that before I left for India too (still waiting on the figuring out part though) so I empathize with the stress. Also Im pretty sure if they backed out because of your holidays thats like a lawsuit so I dont think they would do that. And seriously that is crazy but I also think its nice for you to have a switch between being at home to working so better that it happened sooner anyways. And super yay for it being a step up! Is it super intense yet? Have you blown them away with your wit and vast knowledge of tv? I'm always blown away by it.

Doing nothing should really be a job. Like today I seriously contemplated just going in and resigning and being free. Then I realized I liked having an income so that kinda got in the way. To elaborate more on this Im kind of miserable with work at the moment. I was trying all summer to find a job different from the one Im doing (in terms of function, company, etc.) and turns out people don't want people without experience in the job they're hiring for. Go figure. I think what also has made me more frustrated is that I really thought I would find said job by end of summer and magically had my life figured out. I mean it wasn't so far fetched since vacation and apartment hunting turned out so well. But anyways, here I am back from vacations and my job is still sucks. To make matters worse, they moved me to a different part of my team and are trying to train me to do things I really don't wanna do. In one way I think its good because its really lighting the fire in terms of making me want to get out. In another way I really hate going to work everyday so thats depressing. For now Im just trying to stay positive (clearly thats working out well) and keep applying to places.

I also started actually staying at my apartment this week. I stayed here a couple nights here and there in between my trips but not actually until now (well even now its only been 2 days). The other times I stayed here it always seemed exciting and new and awesome and I was all into it. Now (maybe because I know its sorta permanent which is kind of a lie because I have a holiday this week I need to go home for anyways) Im just weirdly homesick. Its not even that I miss my parents, I miss my home. My bed and my comfort and my being away from the city for the night feeling. I know its a temporary feeling and soon enough Ill get used to it and grow to love it but for now its just adding to the overall meh-ness. I remember the first couple nights at Brett I always felt this way too. And then you moved in and all was well.

I think about Camille everytime I use OliveOil for things. I use it all the time.

India was good. It was a lot of time with family, especially during the function we had but was great to see everyone and spend time with them. My sister and I definitely underestimated what it would be like to host a function for all our relatives. Since my parents were the ones who the event was for they were pretty much tied up in the rituals the whole time which left all our complaining guests to come to us to tell us about how the AC wasn't working or how they weren't serving food yet. So yea that was stressful but a useful experience nonetheless. When that wasn't happening things were really fun. Most of our trip just revolved around the function and family politics so went by pretty fast. It was one of those vacations that made me feel like I needed a vacation to recover from it. I got a bit sick the last couple of days I was there (still getting over it now). Its weird being back because for so long my life was out of sync and its like I dont know how to put it back in sync again. Anyways I think Ive complained enough for one post so I will bid you good day here. We should get dinner sometime soon!

The Best Part

The best part was the dreams I had when we got back. For about four nights, I dreamed of Europe. Cobblestone streets, delicious bakeries, colored houses, and a moderate amount of Chocolat mixed in. I woke up every morning feeling really rested and relaxed- until I remembered I had to be looking for a job. Still, I really enjoyed the time. Doing errands here and there. The nutritionist went well. I didn't have to worry at all. I lost 6 1/2 pounds this month. So yay! And I found myself inspired by the Danish and cleaned off my bike. Of course it took me a long time before riding it (today), but better than nothing and I honestly really missed the exercise we were getting walking so much around the cities.

So the news is that I got a new job! I don't even know if that needs an exclamation point, but why not. I applied at 5:45 pm on Tuesday night, got a call 15 minutes later, had an interview at 11am the next morning, and was offered the job before I got home. At that point I had to explain about Shabbat and the holidays coming up that I'll have to miss days for. I could tell they kind of wanted to back out, but they didn't, so win for Jenna! I started the next day. Crazy, right? I'm a Casting Associate (a step up) for a company called True Entertainment. The gig is about 5-6 weeks, so I'm told, so we shall see. They seem to think it's going to be really intense, but it hasn't gotten that way yet, so I'm taking it one day at a time. Including today. Because I'm working on Sundays to preemptively make up for the holidays. Hooray.

Being back at work kinda sucks if I'm honest. Apparently, no amount of time refreshes you to return to the commuter life. I really like doing nothing. Doing nothing should be a job. I should become a socialite. But the kind that doesn't have to shop and dress up for events. Just a rich person then, I guess. I should buy a lotto ticket. Daily. I also feel bad for my cat, because she's suddenly alone all day and I think she's lonely.

I went to Brooklyn for the weekend to see my friend Amanda and check out Park Slope. It was really nice, and I was surprised how distinctly different it felt from Manhattan, which is a good thing. It's all strange that I literally never go to that side of Brooklyn. I didn't go to shul, because Amanda didn't want to, so I didn't really get a sense of the community in terms of the Jewish-y things, but it was still really nice to see her.

I thought of you tonight because I was roasting veggies and remembering doing that in Oslo and Camille's warning about Olive oil. Ah well.

How is India? Are you having a nice time with the family? How is the celebration going? When are you coming home? Suddenly I realize that it's probably kind of soon. Feel free to not bowl and enjoy your time if that's what you'd like to do!

Grandi Navi

So I know we have a plan to talk later today but it was vital to me that I responded to this before we talked. I'm still in a bit of a daze maybe because we went straight into a long weekend but I'm having trouble thinking about real life things. Like work. What is that?! Anyways I'm sure tomorrow will be the reality check but luckily I get to check out of reality again for 2 weeks. October is going to be rough.

I totally get what you mean about the whole nothing has changed thing. Coming back home it feels like nothing has changed and yet I feel like so much has changed. I think there's a quote from Benjamin Button actually saying exactly that.( which is random that I know this since I've never seen this movie, also side note I wish I had kept a list of all the movies you told me to watch during our trip because now I remember nothing ((including who Hans Christian Anderesen is. Just Kidding. Or am I? I am.))).

I have to say how great it was to read your post on Friday. I definitely felt the same way when saying goodbye. Im pretty horrible at goodbyes in general and feel like they kind of always end up being anticlimactic but especially after our great trip it felt like there should've been something more. It was weird being like, ok i guess I'll get on with my life now while at the same time thinking how I didn't want to.  I definitely also have to echo your statements on how great it was traveling with you. I was lucky to have you cook me oatmeal and quinoa and navigate maps and make up songs during moments of panic. I know we had our tougher moments during the trip but I really think that just goes to show how comfortable we are with each other that we can have times like that and be able to let it go.

The apple does change everything. I came to a holiday of sorts (the one we had to move up our trip for) which involved 5 hours of cooking so you can just imagine how much food that must be. I think we have enough to last through friday when we leave and not much of it is particularly healthy so I continue.

It's funny what you said about my mom not telling me how much she had to do while I wasn't there because I could tell she was dying to tell me just that. Thankfully she held back (mostly) and it was further diffused by my sister coming for the weekend so that's nice.

I'm weirdly jetlagged which really just means I have a healthier sleep schedule and wake up earlier so that actually works out well. Hopefully it continues like this and I won't have a tough time in India. I went through pictures and am in the process of uploading them now (seriously feel like we did these things months ago!), and thank you for uploading pics so soon as well. Talk to you later today!

Nothing has changed!

So this isn't true obviously, but it was one of our mottos and it is true in a lot of ways. Like how my mom will still complain about work a lot, and my cat will still pee on the carpet. It's probably too soon to say what has changed, well it definitely is, but I know that there will be things. It's already a little weird not to have my car.

More people texted me that I expected so that was nice. Checking in on how the trip was. And Kayli asking if i was available this Shabbos because she didn't know about the trip even though I am sure we talked about it when I saw her a few weeks ago. People can be funny. I still feel in a tired fog, but also a pleasant, reverse culture shock-y fog. Like I feel a bit separate and different, that feeling that you hope will stay even though you know it will settle. But it is worthwhile to recognize it and hold on to the thoughts and perspectives that you get out of it, so when I'm well rested, that will be my focus. Also finding work to replenish my finances and get me moving on an apartment. 

My dad liked his magnet! Actually I don't know if I've ever gotten such a reaction from him, but maybe he was just surprised I got something at all. He even said he has some metal cabinets at work to put it on, which is funny and nice because every tchachke type thing I've ever gotten him in the hopes that he would put it on his desk has sat in his bedroom (like a 10 year old stuff dog that says "World's Greatest Dad" or whatever)

It was strangely unceremonious saying goodbye to you today, but I wasn't sure how to change it. I guess I know that I will talk to you soon and see you soon and write in here too. But I will say that it was wonderful traveling with you and I am SO glad we did it. I was so lucky to have you to be organized and plan and have a Barclay's folder and eat pastries with me and laugh at the Queen's hobbies and all the crazy stuff. I feel very lucky to have a friend that I can do something crazy and amazing with. <3

I went home and ate sushi that my mom had bought for me. I want to be able to say it had nothing on Denmark sushi because that's the fancy traveler thing to say, but it was actually really good, despite coming from a supermarket. I feel like I need to update you as if you are my journal now. The show must go on!!!

Do you ever have a movie stuck in your head? I have that with Chocolat. Like I keep catching glimpses of it that I can't quite place and it's messing with my brain considering it's mixing with the tired fog. I also keep walking around as if I've forgotten something. It's unsettling. My mom loved the almonds and the delicious chocolate croissant, but we have yet to try to little petit four chocolates. I'll let you know. She actually bought an array of Shabbos food to give me the choice today. So I was able to choose meat after all. I had an apple to feel a little better about diet stuff. Surely, this changes everything. 

I will upload photos over the weekend, and I'll see if they can go into Dropbox. My guess is there will be too many, but we'll see. There are other ways. We can always zip it and do Yousendit or one of those. It takes a long time to download, but you get the original files that way as far as I know. I hope you had some nice quality time with Sid, that you're still awake, and that it's nice being back with your mother. I hope she isn't telling you about how much she had to do in your absence, and I hope everything for Sunday is underway! Talk to you soon. I shall miss you tonight if I'm conscious. 

Like I was receiving one not like I was one

I had a pretty good day where I got to have lots of great conversations with people then I came back home to a huge bug in my room which my uncle tried to kill but it fled before he could get to it. Then I found a mosquito in my room (which would explain the random bites I have been receiving) and managed to kill it so its been a pretty traumatizing night bug wise and I'm kind of in that weird state where I feel itchy all over.

Anyways, errands sound fun...I always think to myself how I put off doing so many errands like getting a hair cut or picking up dry cleaning and it would be so nice to just have someone do it for me. So Im sure the woman you are doing the errands for definitely appreciates it. How is being with Hannahbear? She sounds adorable as always and I know you always enjoy your time with her so thats awesome  you get to have that extra week you didn't realize you had with her. Definitely don't blame you for the not being on your computer thing, hell I do that even when my sister and Sridhar(that's my brother in law's name I don't know why I never use his name and always refer to him as brother-in-law when its so much easier to just type Sridhar).

My weekend was busy and exhausting in good and bad ways. Friday was a religious holiday which was stressful because this is the one main one of the year and my mom always goes a little overboard on the preparations for it. Of course I had goodbye drinks for a friend of mine at work on Thursday so i couldnt come home super early which cause some pains with my mom but we got through it. It's hard this whole balancing priorities thing. Like yes I want to be there for my mom and help her when she needs it but these were goodbye drinks and I really don't know when I will see this person again. And my mom really could have simplified things for herself but she wanted everything done a specific way which caused a lot more stress. Obviously its great she takes such an interest in these things and enjoys doing it but yea I dont know I feel like Im talking in circles at this point. Its just hard this whole growing pains thing. But I really do think I need to start coming a bit stronger on what I want to do and be ok with my choices and not have to justify it to anyone including my mom.

In any case after getting through that Friday wasn't so bad, it was mostly relaxing then my sister came in the night. Sat was move in day which was the physically exhausting part. We managed to get all my stuff (which was not really all that much) up there in about 1.5 hrs and then had the rest of the day to assemble stuff.  I took everyone out for lunch and they all kept joking that the day was sponsored by me so they should enjoy it while it lasts and kept asking me questions like is ice cream included in the package? Is a horse carriage ride through central park included? In the end they got the ice cream, the horse will have to wait another day. We were able to finish moving and assembling around 4 so we had a couple hours just to roam around central park which was great. I'm definitely going to enjoy living right by it.

Sunday was another religious holiday, I didn't really participate in food prep because I got kind of faint/dehydrated from the day before but eventually I was fine and was able to participate in the eating part.

Other updates:
--> I thought my final round for the essay place was Wed because Im meeting with the head of the group, but it turns out there might be one after where I have to meet the CEO. Like seriously 5 rounds?! Should I perform a gymnastics routine at the end to top it off? Either way I hope it goes well.

--> Exciting on your memory foam topper! The mattress I bought for my apt is memory foam and I liked it when I took it out of the box I hope I still like it when I sleep in it!

--> I need a new calendar. True story.

--> So exciting about Shua starting medical school!

I've been listening to more podcasts and Im in love. Im not sure how normal NPR is but the NPR I listen to is called Ted hour radio where they discuss a few ted talks related to the same topic.  Maybe I can put a few on my ipod to listen to during the flight.  Speaking of....

TRIP TALK!

I seriously cannot believe its next week that really snuck up on me. Also along the same lines I did not make it to the currency exchange today, its one of those things where its literally right across the street so I keep thinking I can go whenever and then I never end up going but I will make it tomm! I have a volunteer event in Brooklyn so im not really working in any case. I really need to get working on that to do list of ours. I keep thinking I have all weekend to do everything but I know that won't be enough time and I will freak out so I want to have as much looked up and planned as possible to avoid chaos. But Im sure things will be great!

As for food stuff I realized I have some quinoa at home that I can just put in a ziploc bag but either way Ill make a trip to Trader Joes this weekend to pick up some more stuff.

For some reason I feel like we've been talking about this for so long that now that its almost here I can't think of anything else I want to say about it. I did want to tell you though that this girl im friends with on facebook is currently in Norway with her boyfriend and they both were wearing jackets/northface type things and it was raining so I would definitely pack the rain jacket. My sister gave me hers along with her backpack so that makes my life a lot easier. Need to get packing.

Ok thats pretty much all thats me right now, but hope to hear your voice soon! We should have a trip related call before the end of this week if you can to tie up any loose ends. I will print things on wednesday.

A brief update and a not very exciting title

I thought I was going to post during my fast on Tuesday, but then a. I was out SHOPPING until after 4pm and b. We spoke Tuesday night, so it rendered me posting mostly moot. Since then I've been kind of busy actually.

As I mentioned, I started workingish for a woman, being paid to do errands, organize, help with computer stuff etc. So Wednesday morning, I ran a few of my own errands before going to work for this woman. Then I came home and got the house ready for Sabrina and the Hannahbear (Yay!) and was about to sit down to dinner when their flight landed early. I went to get them and then worked 9-12 yesterday and we went out to the pool for a brief period of time followed by- what else- errands. Today was mostly a stay in pajamas day, but when Hannah is here, I end up hardly being on my computer. Then my mom came home from food shopping and there was suddenly a lot of kitchen-related helping for me to do. Exciting stuff.

Hannahbear is delicious as always. She says really funny things and in the cutest voice. Today I was laying on the floor on my back with my knees up by my chest and she climbed onto my shins and said "giddyup!" She then ran away to find my sister's hat so she could truly be a cowboy. After bouncing her up and down for what seemed like eternity, I rested my legs on the ground. Her response? "Oh no! My horse broken!" So that made me laugh for a while. She also calls everything 'my' even when acknowledging it as someone else's (My Jenna's car, My Nana's phone...), which I find funny.

Other updates-

• I got a new mattress pad. It's memory foam, and I'm still deciding if I like it, but it makes my bed even taller. 
• I got to use my camera since the woman I'm working for wants help with her website, so I offered to take some pictures of her. 
• I changed my calendar. True story.
• Shua started med school and had his white coat ceremony. This isn't a ME update, but he's been waiting so long for this and he's worked so hard that it's like I really feel genuinely full-hearted about the whole thing. Like when you watch a sports movie and the hero scores the goal!
• Sabrina and my mom are, as always, at odds with one another. Maybe this isn't an update...
• I made an appointment Monday morning at the Austrian consulate. It's possible it'll be a waste of time because of the whole Polish thing, but I figured the easiest way was just to go talk to someone. So that's cool and also I'm not sure at all what to expect. 

I hope you left the office today saying "FRIDAY IS OVER." It seems like a good way to leave every day to be honest, but if anything, Friday! Maybe even "This week is over". I like thinking of you standing up and declaring that to the office. And everyone would just stare at you as you grab your stuff and march out. Maybe people would jump up and join you. Maybe you stay later than most people. 

You know that I definitely understand about holding on to unnecessary things that don't even have a tremendous amount of sentimental value. I think it's Biff and Jamal by the way. I kinda thought I had taken one of those, but now that I think about it (Well, I don't have them) my mom probably demanded that I didn't. I do remember that Jamal used to wear a balloon named Henry on his head. Good times. 

I took your advice sort of and listened to NPR a little this week. I didn't come across anything interesting, but I'm going to keep giving it tries. Plus I know you were talking about the podcasts, so maybe when I start working again those will go on my ipod.

Congrats on outwitting the essay interview company. When is the final round? It's crazy that it's all so formal. I've probably told you this, but for my Fallon interview, apparently the woman gave deliberately vague instructions for how to get there to see who could figure it out for themselves. Luckily, I passed, but it really does seem silly to have people jump through hoops for a coffee/errands type of internship. I mean, seriously folks... This working well under pressure thing makes a lot more sense. My dad was telling me that he has to take this interviewing course every year and he hates it because it's always the same. But he said they teach those horrible questions "When was a time you had to confront an angry whatever..." all based on these strange scenarios rather than instinct. I get that it has to be a little more scientific, but I think instincts probably give you a better idea. 

TRIP TALK!

I'm so excited (again)! 

I keep thinking about the packing and hopefully it'll all work out, but the more I think about it, the more specific I get and that's helpful. I also was missing next week in my brain, so it seemed too soon and now I realized there is an extra week of Hannah. I hope the bags get here soon. I know that EARLIEST they won't come until mid-next week but I really want to see them. I'm happy with our decision. I returned all but my Lonely Planet books to the library. I also returned The Goldfinch again, because it was due, and decided that if I feel like it, I can finish it on my nook when it's not shabbos. It's just too much already. Won't it ever end??? I do like it most of the time actually, but it seriously won't END. 

Thank you for the last paragraph of your post. It was awesome and made me feel like a warm hug (like I was receiving one, not like I was one). You're right. You do know me pretty well. I guess I need to be better about thinking I still need to be careful not to say the wrong things about my close friends. Somehow I think I feel like if I say something too melodramatic or spiritual or political that my friends will decide they don't like me anymore. I mean, I know that's not true, consciously, but clearly I still censor. In any case, it seems like I'm not fooling anybody, or at least not you, since it hasn't stopped you from knowing who I am in any number of circumstances. A valuable lesson. 

Talk to you soon! <3

It's time for a pep talk

So I apologize that this is way more delayed than I had originally intended but I finally managed to get ready for bed early enough and am here now. Today when I left work I stood up and announced that Monday is Over, then I left. I imagine it was a dramatic exit (if anybody noticed), so I thought Id share that.

My weekend was mostly spent packing, going to Ikea ( not gonna lie it made me a little bit sad that we're not going to Sweden but then I got over it), and trying to get rid of a bunch of my stuff that I no longer need. It's funny how whenever I talk about all this stuff I have I'm always like ugh I don't need it and I never use it and it just takes up space and am generally blah about all of it. But when it came time to actually give/throw it away its suddenly like the stuff takes on a whole new meaning. Like the bulls I had from our freshman year ( Buff and...Jamal?), like deep down I knew that aside from those 5 seconds I was spending looking at them I never look at them or think about them or even remember I have them. But suddenly when it comes time to get rid of it I get incredibly nostalgic and don't want to let go. I was actually listening to this great podcast today on Happiness ( highly recommend podcasts by NPR-Ted talks, btw) and one of the guys who gave a Ted talk was this person who became a millionaire when he was 28 and then proceeded to spend a lot of his money buying stuff. But he realized that the more stuff he accumulated that none of it actually made him feel happy and it was actually liberating for him to renounce all of it and live in this 2000 sq ft ( i may have made that number up but its a small number) apartment. The guy on NPR radio (who's name was Guy heh) asked him about the whole nostalgia thing and he was just like, I may keep 1 or 2 things here and there and the rest I just take a picture of.  So that was interesting.

I had my 3rd round last week with the essay place and I went in on friday wearing a suit because my recruiter didn't have any real information about what I was to expect. It was casual friday at the office so I stuck out like a sore thumb but anyways it turned out the interview was another technical round where they basically gave me a bunch of vague info and a blank excel spreadsheet and asked me to create a valuation (nothing remotely close to anything Iv ever done before). So as she was explaining it to me I tried to stay calm and then once she left I proceeded to panic, convince myself the job wasn't for me, and contemplate getting up and running out. After I got over my panic, I eventually managed to put something together. I think I also realized the more I went through it that the exercise was intended to make me panic and their objective was to see how I handled stressful situations and such. So that was sneaky. In any case, whatever I came up with must have been good because they told me I did great and my final round is next week so Im really excited for that.

As for my current work stuff nothing has really changed and its actually quite a miserable situation to have to go in everyday and not have anything to work on. The sad part is my manager knows and wants to help but unfortunately can't because of higher ups who just cannot make up their minds as to the status of our projects. So that's that. Lets just say Im really glad vacation is soon...

TRIP TALKKK

So this portion is the main reason I really wanted to write this earlier because I just have to tell you that its totally ok and normal to feel overwhelmed and anxious. I sometimes start feeling that way too but what helps calm me down is realizing that we can have as much planned as we can but some things will just be beyond our control and we just have to be ok with that. Like yea I was really bummed about the whole Stavanger thing too (especially because when I told my sister we were going to Norway she was like make sure you take a picture on that rock!..and lo and behold the rock she was referring to is in Stavanger) but nonetheless its not like Stavanger is going anywhere and while we may not get to see it during this time there will be plenty of other opportunities to stop by (like say when you live in London,  I come visit you and we decide to go to Scotland). This also relates to this one Indian movie I watched where there's a scene where guy and girl are watching a sunset while touring a city and the guy is like cmon we have to go so we don't miss the light and sound show at this other place, and the girl is like but I like this sunset. He gets up to go, but she stops him and says you know there's always going to be something you're missing out on in life. Like its physically impossible to do everything and see everything and be everywhere. The best you can do in all that is try to enjoy what you have in front of you, because what you are currently experiencing can give you a lot more than worrying about all those things you missed out on. I'm sure there was a more succinct way I could have made that point but eh.
Also I get where you are coming from in that the more we book, the less flexibility we have but 1) we may be flexible but the trains/buses/planes may not be and 2) We will already have a lot of things to decide there like what hikes to take and where to rent bikes and what to eat that day so at that time we will be grateful for the things we had planned in advance. And if not well eh you live and you learn.
I think that's pretty much what I wanted to say there. There is no guarantee that everything will be perfect. Heck last year I booked a tour where pretty much every detail was planned for me and even then things were not perfect because I got sick, and people had conflicting opinions and so on. But instead of focusing on the million things that could possibly go wrong the best thing we can do for ourselves is think of everything that could go right.

Also please don't every hold back on writing or saying what you feel because you think it will bring the post down or I will feel bad. Ultimately this blog and this vacation are both of ours and we should be able to express ourselves properly in how we are feeling. Not just that I feel as though you forget that Ive known you for like 6 years now so Ive seen a lot of what is Jenna.

You know where to find me

... is the last thing a character on Suits just said, but it seemed to fit well enough for me to not have to think of anything else. You know where to find me if you want that pizza again! No schemes necessary (though that would be fun).

The rally was pretty good. I mean it's kind of one of those things where saying "good" doesn't really convey the right sentiment, but it was well-attended (They say over 15,000 people) so that's a good strong showing. But they barely mentioned it on the news, nor the several in Chicago, DC or anywhere else. It's hard to feel like you're making a difference when things are only covered on websites that agreed with you in the first place. I read something once about relating to tragedy. I don't remember what it was about really, but I remember the most poignant point of it which was this: If you hear about a plane crash with 230 people on board, you say "That's horrible" or "That's so sad," but if you hear that a plane crashed with 230 New Yorkers (I use new yorkers because it's something we can both relate to, but the original used Jews), suddenly that really hurts. So yeah, when you feel it as real people and real situations, it really hurts.

Anyway, my feelings are numerous, so I'll leave it at that for now. I already talked to you about The Singles Project and have no new updates on that. Has anything changed with your work stuff? It sounds like a confusing situation. It's good that you feel comfortable going to your manager for clarification. Was he able to help? It must also feel a little more complicated because of getting ready to move on and now getting caught up in something more serious and formal here. I think you're right to just roll with what comes, but it does seem overwhelming, so I get it.

TRIPPPP TALLKKKK:

So in the same vein of overwhelming feelings, I think I'm starting to feel a little overwhelmed about the trip. I've been anxious in general this week, and I can't quite put my finger on why, so it might just be carrying over. I'm super excited and in my head, it all seems easy and makes sense. But when I start seeing it on paper, it feels like whoa. I guess I'm nervous that there are things we're not going to get to, like Stavanger, and the more we book, the less flexibility we have to change our plan. Which is a good thing, I know. It's good we booked the flight from Bergen, for example. But I wonder if we hadn't, if we could have figured out some way to get to Stavanger. Except on the other hand, every day we try to fit in something new is less time somewhere else. And what if we find we wish we'd had more time in Copenhagen. How do we know if it's worth it to go to Odense? I know that it will all be great, because whatever we do will be amazing and there is really no wrong answer, I just needed to say it because it's how I'm feeling and that's kind of the point of this. I also want to make sure we're not running around so much or on so many trains that we don't have time to breathe and enjoy.

I feel like all my feelings are bringing this post down so I'm going to bid you a good night and a good Owen Wilson.