Again, the gap in posting is down to me

I don't know how an entire week goes by and my brain just keeps saying, "That was basically yesterday, so you're good." But the good news is we've actually texted a fair bit, so that's nice, and it makes it seem like it hasn't been so long.

I've also been really trying to do NaNoWriMo writing. And by 'really trying', I mean the kind of really trying I did when I had to write a paper in school. Write a line. Find a million things worth looking on the internet. It's really problematic because I got so far behind in St. Louis that now a bad day here or there just brings me closer to not finishing. Like I'm really behind. And every time I write I just think "Wow. This is terrible." The important thing is that I feel like I get the importance of revision. And I keep telling myself that this step is really just about getting words on the paper. They don't even have to make sense! But the downside to that is that most of it doesn't really make sense. I jump around in time, I change tenses based on my mood... I changed a character's profession halfway through and then pretty much eliminated her. I'm fairly certain this is all part of the process but a. it really can drive you crazy and b. I'm still SO FAR BEHIND. I had a really good reason to not write in St. Louis. But now my reason is that it's been a while since I could spend my days under the blanket in front of a TV. And my hand have really been hurting. Objectively, that one is a good reason, but my brain is sick of the whining so it's just like "DEAL WITH IT AND SHUT UP!" Whoooaaaa, calm down there crazy rant.

Have you heard back about the next round of that interview yet? Or any others? Or any responses to the formal emails you sent last week? I hope you started them all with Good Day and ended them with Cheerio. Like I said, sometimes it's just about writing the craziest thing you can think of. It's depressing that people are so surprised when you get an interview through the appropriate channels. Like, seriously people? How exactly can you call yourself equal opportunity employers? Equal TO WHOM? (This is such a 21st century problem. Like obviously I know what is really meant by equal opportunity, but if someone said "I didn't get an interview because of my race!" the company would just be like "Actually, it was because you applied through the website. Don't you have an uncle here or something?")

I do remember your planner advertising selling job actually. I remember you talking about it and I remember thinking how I'd never want to do that, but that it was cool that you knew the downtown area all of a sudden. You're right. Life is full of lessons that you just have to keep learning over and over again. It's funny because people have said to me that God makes you forget the pain of childbirth so that you won't be deterred from doing it again (a disturbing thought on the pain side, but still), and I've always found it interesting how memory works. You can remember that your wisdom teeth surgery really hurt without remembering what it actually felt like. Even if you assign words to it in the movie, you can bring it back but not quite feel it the same way. And the same goes for a delicious meal you had, or what it felt like to hug someone at just the right time or... I don't know a thousand other things probably. What was my point again? Oh. That the same goes for these lessons, these epiphanies that we have over and over again. That feeling of something clicking in your head and for a minute you're like "Wow. I understand life now. I know what I need to do." Because it's not real life to be able to live in those moments. You just have to do your best to keep them in mind or trust that the process of learning them over and over again is really what it's about anyway. Or, as in the case of childbirth, that it's for the best that we aren't able to remember.

You have actually sent me the Picture/Pixel post before and I think I read the whole thing? But I do like your epiphany about doing things to actively make yourself happy. And I think it ties in perfectly with epiphany number 2- LET'S PLAN ANOTHER TRIP! Or you know, you could do that with someone else, but for my part, I'm a little afraid to travel with an untested travel partner now that I know how fraught it can be at times. Though I would consider solo travel to the right place. I've been thinking about travel a lot lately, as you know from the fact that I keep sending you stuff. Trust me, I don't even send you a quarter of it. Let me know if you'd like more. Anyway, I've been following this guy  who is traveling to every country in the world without using any plane travel. He is working with a company that is sponsoring him and he is living off of $20/day. It's bananas. But he did say that he was going over that in the more expensive countries and would spend less in cheaper ones, which make sense. Anyway, he did an AMA the other day and that was pretty interesting. I was thinking today about how interesting it was visiting the shul in Oslo and seeing the community there and how great it would be to travel to different Jewish communities all over the world. And then, in light of reading about this Danish guy, I started wondering if any companies would sponsor me to do something like that. It would be really cool. I'm going to look into it a little.

Off to not write! I've written 312 words today. The target is 2,500. Ugh.

You go Glen Coco--that poor man.

I really enjoy the pictures, please keep them coming.

I just wrote 8 thank you emails for the interview I had yesterday (they had me meet with 8 people, some 1 on 1, some 2 on 1..AND one of the guys was like "Well you're really early in the interview process so..." I had to fight my scoff back. So yes I may still be in formal mode so if anything I say sounds a bit too formal I kindly request that you read it in an english accent while picturing me in a long coat, a top hat and of course a monocle.

So yes besides that interview yesterday, which hopefully I will hear back whether there is another round/ whether I made it to the next round..Im still waiting to hear back from the job at the company Im at. While I know I should continue applying for things in the meanwhile and not just bank on these two thats really hard and it seems like suddenly all the jobs I would want to apply to have disappeared. So theres that.

Side note, something amusing/weird that happened in my interview:. One of the interviewers asked me how I got there today( meaning if I went through a recruiter, etc.) and I was like I actually just applied online and got a call and he was like amazed (rightfully so, applying online for a job in finance is pretty much the same thing as throwing your resume into a black hole and hoping for the best).

To be completely honest I don't really remember what I had left to say in my last post. I just know that I was in the middle of posting when suddenly my mom came home and demanded that we leave to go somewhere right away so I had to leave out a thought.

I completely agree about approaching problems/conflicts in a better/more constructive way because we're able to write it down here. Its kind of like when you sound overly negative you catch yourself because writing things is always more of process then just thinking them or even saying them. This is also kind of why Ive always liked chatting/emailing/blogging. Because as a default you always have to think about the things you say before you say them a little bit more. Not to mention  you often have less of a filter because its a lot easier saying things when you dont have the pressure of the other person right there.

I think a lot of the things I was telling you are things I also need to often remind myself of. Because while I do want to stay positive and truly believe there is something out there for me...rejections can seriously wear you down. Do you remember how I had an internship after freshman year where I had to go to local businesses around Rutgers and sell advertising? I don't even really think I talked about it often so totally cool if you have no clue what Im talking about but anyways while that job was seriously terrible it really did get me used to being rejected. And also showed me somehow the most obscure of tries will end up being something good. Unfortunately though, these aren't lessons you learn once and know for the rest of your life.They are lessons we have to learn over and over again to truly believe them.

That really is a shame about your camera, but youre right in that sometimes reacting to certain people about things can make us blow them out of proportion. And its pretty much a default that talking to our parents makes us revert back into our childhood selves and forget that we have developed the skills to live in this world like adults (well sort of).

I'm sorry to hear about your sister, I can't imagine how stressful that must have been but they were definitely very lucky to have you there at that time. It's also kind of nuts how things that are such big things for you and your family would be like no big deal for doctors. But that is the world of medicine I guess.

I think it always helps to hear that things that are hard for you are actually hard for everyone else to. Maybe its a misery loves company thing or maybe its just feeling like you really are trying your best with your busy schedule, just like everyone else and thats ok.

It is nice that I can have the city and have the calm of new jersey. I do feel though that Im not taking full advantage of the city yet. Maybe that's a FOMO (fear of missing out) kind of feeling or maybe its feeling like Im not doing enough (something I always feel). I think Im also getting to the point where while yes moving was a big change, now..more or less life is starting to look much the same as it did before. This reminds me of the blog post on WaitButWhy (not sure I already sent to you) that's called Your life is a picture but you live in a pixel. Its long like all of their blog posts are but long story short the point is that while big changes like moving or changing jobs or getting into relationships might seem like they significantly change your life, really after a certain point you kind of get back to square 1 with the way youre feeling and how happy you are. This is ofcourse not to say that Im unhappy with the way Im feeling, but I think Im starting to realize (I swear I re-realize this like every month) that I need to actively do things that make me happy on a daily basis and I cant just give up on them because I expect other things to take the place of them. Like ever since I moved I really dont take the time to read anymore, or since I got busy at work I dont read half as many interesting articles/blogs as I used to. So while yes, having actual work and having no commute are great things..there is a trade-off and its really up to me to make time for those things I liked doing that naturally fit in my schedule before.

So that was my epiphany. I also need to plan another trip. That was my second epiphany.

I have faith that you will start that blog. I think its better to wait until youre fully for it because that just increases your chances that you will be diligent about it. I like Snarky Explorer. It fits.

Beat you to it

I wouldn't be surprised if we are posting at the same time right now, since that has happened before, but this isn't really your normal time of day to post, so I think we're good. Also, too much posting is a problem I can definitely handle, so I'm not worried.

Thank you for all the helpful and constructive feedback on my publishing thoughts. I realized last week how much I love being able to put my problems and conflicts in here and talk to you about them. I end up approaching them more constructively in the first place and I get healthy responses, so that's nice too. I realized this on the bus on the way to the subway into the city last week. I was about 10 minutes from my house and realized I forgot my camera. I got so upset and even thought about going back, but I didn't want to be late for the RandomHouse thing. I thought of texting my mom, since I often want to do that when something is upsetting me. I guess I just get overwhelmed when I'm mad at myself for a stupid little things like that and telling someone at least gets it off your chest. But I find that telling my mom doesn't usually help because a. she has a tendency to take empathy to the next level, for example she would start by saying I'm sorry, that really sucks, and then scenarios will occur to her in which I could have used the camera and I'll feel worse. "Oh, that's a shame that you can't take ballet pictures!" and b. It kind of makes me revert to a childhood reaction to it rather than just taking a deep breath, saying that's not the reason I'm going there, and it's really not a big deal anyway.

The point is that in thinking about this, I stopped myself from texting my mom and thought instead about how I would write about it in here and what you would say about it, and I just realized how great Bowl is and how lucky I am to have it. The truth is, I had this image of taking St. Louis pictures for a potential blog since it's just another place I've been, and I realized it wasn't like I'd be going to the Arch and doing touristy things to take pictures of anyway. I was going to help out with my sister and it's a damn good thing I did. She wasn't really feeling well all of last week on and off so I was helping with Hannah. Then Thursday night, it got really bad and they decided to go to the Emergency Room. So it was good I was there to babysit while Hannah went to sleep. Then they admitted Sabrina to the hospital. Apparently, she had a gall stone stuck in her duct even after the gall bladder was removed. So, this was causing her liver enzyme levels to get really high or whatever. The doctors told her that normal levels are around 30-40 and hers were around 1000. I have no idea what this means, but when you look at the relative numbers, it seems like a pretty big deal.

So anyway, it's a relatively simple procedure to remove it, but they couldn't do it until Friday. Then they told her friday morning that they had a busy schedule and weren't expecting her so she would have to wait until late afternoon. So I took care of Hannah and Shabbos food while Max was with her. She ended up having to stay until Saturday morning and was discharged and is feeling much better now, which is a relief both health-wise and because I love Hannah, but I am exhausted.

So long story short, good thing I'm here. I haven't had much time or energy to write, so the second half of the month is going to be intense if I decide to continue. But they keep sending updates and peptalks and I still feel like I'm committed to it even though I hate what I've been writing and it's hard. From the emails, it seems like that is not only normal, but pretty much an epidemic. And hearing that actually helps.

I'm happy to hear that you are enjoying living in the city not and the difference between that and home. It's nice that you have a balance of both, since as we know and discouragingly told our Scandinavian friends, the city can wear you down. It's also nice that you're starting to think in terms of staying in the city when that works for you. Good for you! You go Glen Coco! (P.S. I read something about how Glen coco is a real person. He's a film editor named Glen Cocco. You have to imagine introducing himself to people gets kind of annoying now and then. I think it's hilarious)

Perhaps if I start a blog, I can incorporate these stories from people. That is one of the fun things about travel anyway. I know I keep talking about starting a blog, so thanks for bearing with me for like, 2 years? It's a lot of work and I just keep thinking Ugh, but it is something I want to do, so perhaps after NaNoWriMo. Right now I'm thinking that we both really like 'Snarky,' so maybe I'll just do Snarky Explorer and forgo the alliteration.

I wish you could see the crazy acrobatics Hannah and Max are doing right now. She is standing upright on his palms and he is lifting her as she balances. It's like watching baby Cirqe du Soleil. Which is something that should probably exist. Here is another picture.

Titles are overrated

I saw a buzzfeed article on NaNoWriMo yesterday and thought of you. I should really read these travel blogs, maybe it will inspire me to stop spending money on useless crap and save for my travels instead. Its funny how easily we fall back into old habits. Like I was so good with not shopping and saving money (in my defense that was when I was given more to do at work) and then now the moment I have a little extra time Im back to buying things I dont need again..sigh.

Sorry to hear about the interview, that is very unfortunate but then again I always feel like the jobs you are meant to get you will so maybe he just saved you time and effort by sparing you.Still does not make it any less rude on his part or less annoying, but also why would you want to work for someone who's that rude anyways.

RandomHouse sounds amazing. Like I don't know if I ever even considered publishing a field for me (probably not because I cant ever force myself to read books I dont like), but seriously sounds so cool! And I probably did consider publishing after Being Erica because who wouldnt.  Being in a place surrounded by books sounds homey and awesome. Thats also really great how she gave you such a good breakdown of everything in the industry. Youre so right in that most people will just be like oh yea every day is different. Who made that an acceptable answer? Why do you think you can just get away with saying that? That in no way answers my question of what you do. 

Its also great you got to talk to someone who loved her job but wasnt so biased that she didnt give you the negatives of it as well. The thing about the pay is really really really unfortunate. I personally do not know how anybody could survive in the city getting paid that much but then again I work in finance so they dont teach us to think about those things. Also it just seems beyond ridiculous to me that you wouldnt get paid decently well for a field thats so..important. Like to think that someone who is an analyst for Keeping up with the Kardashians would get paid more than someone who is at a junior level on the team for The Book Thief just makes no sense to me and also basically sums up everything that is wrong with society today. 

I understand this is a scary thing to consider but I also think its really exciting that youre considering it. Ultimately I genuinely believe that at any job rather than the specific skills you pick up its more the transferable skills that matter. Because while maybe the fact that you know a lot of chefs due to Chopped would be great if you were to work at another cooking show, the fact that you've had experience reaching out to random people and making connections with them will ultimately help you more in your future jobs. I also think a lot of job hunting and switching fields comes down to how you market yourself. So even if you did try out publishing and it didnt end up being right for you, whenever you decide to switch out of it you can be like, hey look I switched industries once before and still managed to stay successful so clearly I can easily do it again!

Also while it may seem like the worst thing in the world to be 27 and not have any idea what you want to do with your life, it is nowhere near as bad as being 40 and not knowing what you want to do with your life. If anything, each new thing you try helps you learn more about yourself and what you like/dislike, so even if it doesnt work out youre still better off for having tried it. Not to mention 2 years in the scope of your whole career is close to nothing (this is what I tell myself when I have the epiphany that Im wasting my life in finance).

I do agree with you that the most relevant downside it that it may seem hard to break into, but even this I feel is just a matter of patience. At some point they will need someone, and you will be able to convince them that the someone they need is you..but really there is no saying when that some point will be and I agree that can be scary. But again I do genuinely believe that if something is meant to happen then it will and you just have to have faith in the universe and more importantly, yourself and you will be able to make it happen.

I think its a very girl thing to say that someone got lucky and fell into their dream job. Maybe yes, she happened to choose the right direction to swim towards while the rest of us are still kind of circling around the pool. But still Im sure even she had times when she was unsure of herself and had to work at some point in her life to get to where she is. The reason I say that is because if you put it to luck then it makes it seem like, oh to get to where she is then I have to be lucky too. But I really dont think thats it. Ofcourse luck and fate have to be on your side, but I do genuinely believe that if you work hard enough you will also be able to make it to where she is.

The free books literally sounds like heaven.

I don't think you sounded negative in your last post. Honestly I think these are things we all go through and have to deal with. For my interview last week they told me I wouldnt know until the beginning of next week and while I want to believe that I did well and that if its meant to happen I will get it, I also know that I could just as easily not get it through no fault of my own. Maybe someone else with more experience applied. Maybe someone's cousin was a candidate. Ultimately though I know that I tried my best and thats really all I can control. And if I dont get it well that will suck but I still met amazing people who told me I was a star and that I was very articulate and those are things I can use for my next interview. There's always going to be another interview down the line and another shot at a job.  Thankfully we live in new york.

Speaking of living in New York, I feel like my life has changed a lot every since I moved. Now thats its been a full month I can actually reflect back on it. You know in college when I came home on the weekends it would just be like Im going home because I always go home and it was also very different because back then my sister came home too. But now when I come home it feels like such a drastic change from being in the city. I notice how quiet everything is, how slow everything is, how many more leaves and trees there are. It almost feels like I come to a whole different life here than what its like in the city. And this is with not much else drastically changing too. For the most part the things I do now I always did. I cant say if I like one more than the other because as much as I love the comfort of home, I love how many things are going on in new york. I dont know if I want or need to keep coming home as often now too but for now I will because I know its not easy for my parents to have me out of the house. 

Another weird thing is that in college a lot of times I would enjoy my weeks more than the weekends. I loved seeing the people I saw and I loved being busy. It feels similar now where things move so much faster doing the week that I find myself enjoying it more...except for when Im at work. When Im at work Im counting the days down and waiting for the weekend. And then the weekend comes and I want to be just as busy as I am during the week...

What you said about wanting to hear people's stories..I often feel that way about every topic. I realized this about myself that I genuinely love hearing other people's perspectives and their experiences and once I pass this level with certain people it becomes like a weird obsession where I just want to find out everything about their lives.I think the people I really do this with are people I can genuinely empathize and connect with. Otherwise I just feel lost. If only I could find a way to make this into a job....

Priorities are overrated

So, let's be honest. I told myself I needed to write my daily allotment for NaNoWriMo before replying to your post. That was Monday. I wrote about half my daily allotment. Yesterday I wrote nothing, but I did get some help with plot development courtesy of my friend Javi, so hopefully that will help with the actual physical writing part of it. And yes, I have some time now while Hannahbear is occupied with my phone, but the truth is I just spent half an hour (more, probably. We've been up since before 7) reading travel blogs, so naturally, what I wanted to do was talk to you instead. (If you're bored, check out the 100 travel tips post from Travelettes from today- unless it was a rerun- #10 will make you laugh.)

First, the publishing meeting. Well, actually first the information that the interview for the development position never happened. On Friday, the guy emailed to say Monday was actually looking a little too busy, could I do Tuesday or Wednesday. I said no, that I was actually going to be out of town. (I had told him this already. Not that I think he should have remembered, I just want the record to show that I'd been upfront from before he'd told me to come in.) He said oh, right. When will you be back. I said I have a family obligation (not totally untrue) and that I'd be back the 13th. He never answered. I waited about 4 hours and sent another email. Just saying Hey, wanted to follow up. I'm happy to work with your timeline in any way I can, maybe we can skype? Stuff like that... He never answered. So that was mainly upsetting because of its rudeness I think. I mean contact had already been established. We'd talked on the phone. We'd emailed. It wouldn't have taken even a full minute to reply with a simple "Actually, we need someone sooner than that." I would have understood.

Now on to the publishing meeting. It was all for the best really because this gave me more time to pack in the morning and get on my way. Not enough time to eat breakfast or remember my camera apparently, but that's what you get when you pack last minute (Literally). I got there just in time. The building (Broadway between 55 and 56- awesome location from Queens sine it's like the third subway stop in Manhattan, but whatever) had books in the lobby all along the walls when you walked in. It was awesome. I signed in and brought my luggage up to the 8th floor where this girl, Karen, works. Normally, I would have thought this was too unprofessional. But she's a friend of a friend and a fellow religious Jew and I had discussed it with her beforehand, so it was fine.

There were books everywhere. And I mean, popular books. RandomHouse apparently publishes everything ever. So I'm walking past numerous copies of books i've read, grown up with. Books that have been turned into movies recently. Books that have won awards. Books that have sold hundreds of thousands of copies. She took me into an office that wasn't being used (covered in books- The Book Thief is a book you should read by the way, if you haven't already. We were in the office of the woman who had edited that book.) We talked for over an hour. She talked to me about different departments, which ones are a good foot in the door, things I should be learning more about, what skills she used, and what her day to day is like. Mercifully, she did not give me the frustratingly unhelpful answer of "Well, I like to say, every day here is different and that's what's so great about it." Tell me what you frickin' do dammit!

She was really helpful, and she clearly loves her job a lot. It sounds great actually. Less pressured than what I do now, flexible, creative, you get to read all day, your opinions get heard, it's collaborative. It sounds great. Because this is a big life decision, I'm a little wary of falling in love with her descriptions since she's so in love with the job. She was honest about the downsides, but I still feel like I need other perspectives. The main downside: Money. This is laughable since I made so little at Chopped, but I've moved up considerably since then and could probably get even more at my next gig depending on what that ends up being. But she has been there over a year and will be making her starting salary in the mid 30s for the foreseeable future. That's no-so-great, needless to say. And it's all fine and good to say that I'll try something and see if I like it, but this is the type of thing that's a long term career. You're putting in the work that will pay off in ten years' time maybe. Which is a good thing, in responsible adult world but a. scares the crap out of me, and b. What if I don't like it? How long do I stay until I know it's wrong? I mean with TV you can get a couple jobs for a few months each and gradually learn the industry. Not that I feel like I've cracked a fraction of it. But with a long term, full time job, you really need to put in the time to learn the industry and whatever. And it could be great, but it could also be two years from now before I know it and suddenly I'm 27 and still have no idea what I want to do with my life.

The most relevant downside: It's hard to break into. Her point- It's not like accounting where every year they hire 100 new employees. They only hire when they need someone, and it's competitive. She happens to have gotten lucky and fallen into a dream job. Children's and Young Adult at RandomHouse. I mean, it's heaven. But landing there, in that department is about the farthest thing that exists from a foregone conclusion. Especially when I'm competing with people who have actual publishing experience (although I do really think that my skills are pretty transferable to this career in a lot of ways- and having real work experience has to count for something, even if it's in the wrong industry)

I don't mean to focus on the negative here, since I did spend most of Monday, really, really focused on the positives. It sounds amazing. And I got free books. They have a whole wall of free books. As many books as you could ever want. All kinds of books. It was wonderful. She was saying she stops by that shelf before every Shabbos. I mean, I'm in love with the place. But I'm also in love with... whatever, The Good Wife, and where I landed in TV is nowhere near that, you know. And a career change is a big frickin deal. Starting from scratch is a big deal. Settling for less money when I really need to be moving out on my own is certainly a bigger deal that it would have been right out of college. Sometimes, you really do need to think practically. And while none of these things is a dealbreaker, they are things that need to be thought through. At a certain age (and I do realize this age isn't necessarily 25), you can't just "try whatever and see if you like it" at every moment without thinking it through. Although the flip side, is maybe I need a little less thinking through in my life.

How is it that I struggle forever trying to hit 2000 words in my novel and here I can get to 1500 without even thinking, and keep on going.

On to your post- I felt the same way about the Cabaret wiki. It totally made a lot of sense, like when you read the description for a ballet instead of just relying on your brain to  interpret the storyline. Yeah, no. Not going to work. I still like my illusion theory, and I think it works with what is actually going on. It's such a pretentious theory, but I still like it.

You must absolutely come for Shabbos again when I get back. We shall discuss! And actually, the holidays are mainly over if you're referring to Jewish holidays. The Jewish calendar month right now is called Cheshvan and its nickname is "Mar Cheshvan", which means "Bitter Cheshvan" because there are no holidays in the whole month and it's coming off of a month where there were so many (Tishrei, my birthday month.) The next month is Kislev (like Kiss-Layv), when we have Chanukah, but that's not until the 25th of the month. And here ends your Jewish calendar lesson. I hope you enjoyed it. But the bottom line is, yes, we'll figure out a time for a Shabbos visit.

I want to emphasize that the point of me sharing these stories of equally lost people is because I feel the exact same way, that I'm lost while other people know what's going on and seem to be managing at a higher, more functional level than I am. Which is why it is refreshing and a relief to find that that's not necessarily the case at all. I should do a poll or something of twenty somethings nationwide. I wonder how to go about doing that. It would be great to hear people's stories.

Hello from Hannahbear by the way. This morning, I started singing her a song where the words are basically "I love the Hannahbear" three times and then "She's so (cute, sweet, smart)" and I guess it's catchy since she's been singing it all morning and dancing around the living room. Here's a picture of her climbing through where the sink should be in her toy kitchen. Her reaction? "I stuck!"

Like a punch in the heart

I totally feel you about posting more (I realize I say this as I post in a delayed fashion), but still the time when we had almost daily posts was wonderful. It almost felt like we were living together again except in a more cyber way this time. (Not sure if cyber can be used as an adjective. Cyberspace?)
I get it thought, it is hard to make a commitment to something like this when there are a million other things going on like working, and not wanting to look at computer screens and all so I definitely do appreciate that you even post. I always loved communicating to people in this way and Im glad to have a friend I still do it with.

So before I move on to other things in your last post I wanted to tell you that I read the wiki for Cabaret and it really cleared up a lot of things from the show. Like how the host's songs were supposed to be commentary on the other things happening in the show, I feel like the only song I understood that for was the gorilla song. Also some of those alternate endings were pretty insane so Im glad they stuck to the one they did ( I also did not notice that the fence was supposed to be an electric fence until I read the wiki so that was interesting). I would say after reading the wiki I think the show is way more meaningful/powerful in its message but maybe when I had seen it on stage I was just like well this is depressing. Makes me wonder what my reaction would be to seeing something like Waiting for Godot on stage (did you ever have to read that in high school? If not its basically a play about existentialism where two men spend the entire play waiting for this man called Godot to come. He never comes.) Because you know when you're reading a book that's meant to be a classic you're prepared for some heavy stuff and to look for the deeper meaning behind things, but here I was really just prepared to see a cabaret so go figure.

How is your outline coming along! I really should have asked you this in person but its very exciting that you're attempting this again and I think you can accomplish it.

It's great to hear that you enjoyed your birthday! Birthday always make me stressful since I don't know the appropriate amount of excited I am supposed to get for it so I am always either under or over excited and then either way its a bit confusing when my birthday actually does come. But anyways I have not had a Fudgie so it will be on my list going forward. I have also never had your mom's RingDing cake so that will also be on my list going forward. Speaking of which, whenever you are back from St.Louis I would love to come for a Shabbos again if you will have me! I realize there are a few holidays coming up so no rush at all but it just feels like its been a while and it would be nice to come.

I would say my runner up for post title would be this: life is often about making choices where you just have to decide if the fun is worth the fallout. It reminds me of that quote that is often on buzzfeed about how when you get drunk you're really just borrowing tomorrow's happiness for today. But sometimes its just like you know tonight I just want to be extra happy.

When you are replying to this you will probably have already had your interview/the meeting with the RandomHouse girl so please let me know how those went! I totally get what you mean about your gut by the way. I feel like in college I had actual instincts and now half y instincts are really just ways for me to escape my current situation. So thats not fun. I think ultimately thought you have to keep reminding yourself of the person that you are and the things you like to do regardless of where you are (work, home, employed, unemployed, etc) and that will hopefully help sharpen those instincts. But really what do I know.

It's funny that you feel lost and you keep finding other people who feel the same way. For me it feels like I'm really lost but everyone around me doesn't seem lost at all. Either that or they are really really good at hiding it. I feel like Ive heard from about 5 people over the past week who are changing jobs. And maybe thats not really an indication of feeling un-lost but I guess for me its a just a feeling of being stuck while everyone else has found a way to move forward. I realize this is a ridiculous way to think since other people and what they do with their lives does not relate to me in any way. And really its not like I have zero things going on, I am trying. Things are moving along albeit at a snail's pace.

It is comforting to hear that other people out there feel this way though. And I totally do not think your notion that there is something out there you will love, is romanticized or just a Gen Y construct of fulfillment.I mean ok to a certain level it might be, but I feel like the things that separate us and our dream jobs is really just us finding out what we actually like to do. This kind of reminds me of a conversation I was having with a friend from work where he was telling me that he's a hopeless romantic and I was trying to tell him life doesn't always work that way and sometimes its about finding the magic in the ordinary moments of love. So maybe jobs are just like that too. Where maybe its not about finding a job where you're always like yes this is my passion in life and I love this all the time. Maybe its just about finding a balance where you do have those moments where you know you're in the right place and things just feel great,but also knowing that there will never be any job or person or situation where you love it all the time. I for one know there is a better place out there for me than where I currently am and don't want to give up or stop until I find it. But I do hope that when I do find it I keep all of what I just said in mind and also realize that happiness is not always what is outside of me but is also often times my perspective on things.

I kind of went off on a tangent there but what I really meant to say was I am really just as confused and I have no idea How one is supposed to know. So lets hope we figure that out at some point.

This is Key.

Runner up for post title: I don't think I ever anticipated how long I would keep feeling like this. This sentence makes me feel. Like a punch in the heart. And I so, so, so relate.

I have to say, I really thought this post was from last week and I had no idea that I was almost two weeks overdue. I mean to be fair, I couldn’t use my computer the 16^th, 17^th, or 18^th and then worked on the 19^th through 24^th, but that doesn’t actually make it better. The less I post, the less you post, and the less I get to know what’s going on in your life. So for that reason, I really do want to make an effort to post more. Or at the very least once a week. I mean, come on, Jenna.

Here’s the thing though. I’m attempting NaNoWriMo again. And this time, I’m going it alone, which is crazy when I take into account how hard it was when I only had to write every fifth day. I really want to do it though. I really want to know that I can accomplish it. That I can write something from start to finish. I’m sick of feeling like writing or like I should be a writer and never having actually completed something. So, I am motivated. This week, after I finish This is Where I Leave You (30 pages or so left), I’m going to spend commutes working on an outline.

Thank you for the birthday wishes! You should never apologize for a Friends quote, by the way. This weekend, I spent Shabbos at my friend Allison. We were in Synagogue and she was feeling really short between me (in heels, relax) and her friend who is extremely tall and was wearing a green dress. She pulled out the “Ya big tree!” quote that Chandler says to Richard when Richard is trying to get Monica back. The friend was a bit offended, but again, you never apologize for quoting friends.

I’m so excited for Cabaret. My birthday was actually really nice. My boss took me out for lunch, as I mentioned, and I was getting texts and Facebook posts all day. I went to Jen and Eric for the holiday that night (and the next three days) and they got me a Fudgie The Whale cake. It was delicious- so delicious, seriously have you ever had a Fudgie???- but more than that, it really just feels good to know people care about you enough to make your day special.

(How cute were those Hannahbear videos??? Also, have you ever had my mom’s Ring Ding cake? She made it for me the previous Shabbat since I wouldn’t be home for my birthday weekend, and it was delicious. All my Chopped friends texted that they hope my mom made me a good cake, which I thought was pretty funny.)

The rest of the holiday was really nice too. Josh and Jamie were there too (Eric’s brother and sister in law) I really like Jamie, so it’s nice getting to crack her shell a little. I did get a little intoxicated Friday night, which I regretting all night when I barely slept, but life is often about making choices where you just have to decide if the fun is worth the fallout.

While I was at Allison’s this weekend, she mentioned that her new roommate’s sister (to whom I had almost introduced myself on Friday night at this party thing) works in publishing at Random House in Young Adult Lit. I mean, dream job? I’m going to get her information and talk to her about it. The more I think about publishing the more right it feels. The hard part is trying to figure out if that is my gut talking or just my brain agreeing with whatever as long as it’s not what I’m currently doing.

Not that I hate what I’m currently doing. It’s fine. A little boring today, as you can probably tell, but fine. I finished up my casting project on my birthday, or really the following Sunday. Since last Monday, I’ve been doing Production Coordinator work. Only really what I’ve been doing is intern work. It’s a good title, and will look good on a resume I think, but again. Intern work. I mean, I’m literally going on runs to B&H and the supermarket. I don’t even mind so much because I get some fresh air and sun (though it did rain a lot last week), but it’s the principle of feeling idle and like my brain isn’t doing any work. I’m not really learning much other than what to do with receipts when someone gives you a pile of them. Honestly, the highlight of my week was something that involved math. If that’s not cause for concern, I don’t know what is.

I don’t know if I mentioned this, but when I found out it was my last week on the casting project and that there was this short-term coordinator thing, the woman in charge of hiring and such was talking to me about the possibility of working here full-time. Like with a salary and potential for benefits and (maybe?) vacation days. I know I need a full-time job soon, because family benefits are going to run out soon and it’s just more practical in a lot of ways. But A. I’m not too crazy about the idea and B. I don’t know if I want to stay in TV at all. This place is all reality, and it really makes a difference not having friends here like I did at Chopped. I miss having a group and people to talk to. Even when it was just me and my boss. And the thought of eagerly saying “Sign me up for more!” here fills me with a little bit of dread. But again, maybe it’s just my brain being afraid of committing. Maybe I need to take your dad’s advice. Just because I take a full time job, doesn’t mean I’m “settling down.” Life keeps moving. Of course the flip side is that just because it’s a full time job at a big company doesn’t mean it’s the right decision.

So yes, I have been seriously thinking about publishing and will definitely need to talk to that girl’s sister. The fascinating thing about feeling so lost is learning how many people in so many different positions feel the same way. My therapist used to tell me this, but I didn’t really feel that it was true until now. I told you about my high school friends, but then I had a similar conversation with the Gombos. They all seemed to feel the same way. Even married. Even in their advanced degree programs. What was interesting was that Eric and Josh observed that I have a strong feeling that there is something out there that I will love doing if I can just find it. It was interesting for two reasons: 1. Because they don’t feel that way, and 2. Because I often think about this idea that I have and worry that it’s a TV/Gen Y construct of fulfillment that is keeping me from actual contentment. Or maybe it’s just a personality trait of mine. Or maybe it’s true. How is one supposed to know?

Don’t worry. I will never stop entering those contests. If for no other reason than to keep the dream alive. It felt really great reflecting on the trip while working on the Travelettes submission. My newest prospective blog name? The Edgy Explorer. It wasn’t taken on twitter and there is no taken domain as far as I know. Plus it says something about me (I’m anxious, but not so much so that I don’t do anything) while still keeping a certain vagueness (Exploring what? Edgy how?) So yeah, if I had my way, I’d still go with Snarky in the City, but I like this too.

See you soon!

A very happy 25th birthday to you!

I was just watching the episode of Friends where everyone turns 30 and during Rachel's birthday Tag goes, don't worry Rach I know totally how you feel. I'm so freaked out about turning 25.
I don't know why I thought I should share that because its not really all that funny but eh why not it goes with the theme.

So happy birthday! I hope it was wonderful and filled with videos of Hannah and treats made by your mom.

I loved your whole paragraph about not being able to see the forest through the trees and I think it's very apt as to how we often forget the bigger picture when we get caught up in the messy details of life. I think it is a double edged sword though because while yes, you should not get caught up in the details, you should stop to notice and appreciate the little joys which life brings you and all those tiny moments which bring a smile to your face because ultimately those will be the things that stick and you hold on to for a long time. Im not sure if my two points were related but it made sense in my head.

Spending days at home reading, seeing family friends and sleeping sounds absolutely wonderful. In fact I can't remember the last time I did that. Probably during a summer vacation whenever that last happened. Why do summer vacations stop happening. That seems like one of those things that should last throughout life.

I can't tell you how much I relate to the comment of fake it til you make it, but make it to what? I keep this excel calendar on my work computer to keep track of the days I have plans and today I added in a column for December and it just kind of blew my mind as to how the year is almost over and how Ive spent so much of this year just feeling lost and conflicted. I don't think I ever anticipated how long I would keep feeling like this, but I do think Ive gotten to a point where I can make more sense of it and keep it in perspective. Right now with my new team I am most definitely faking it because I cant seem to motivate myself enough to want to learn the work and understand it so Im just kind of scratching it at the surface and getting by. So seriously just faking it without knowing what I will make it to. I also partially think that there is no real making it. My dad once told me that he thinks its funny how people always talk about "settling down" when really there is no such thing as settling down. Life keeps moving and you have no choice but to keep moving with it (as I grow older I realize my dad is a lot wiser than I ever realized). I think this is the same sort of thing where things keep happening and changing and you have to keep up and ultimately if you are keeping up and you've decided on making something out of yourself and are working towards it then thats really all you can do. There is no making it because there is no end to that. Unless ofcourse you own JARS in which case you have already made it.

It's really interesting what you told me about your friends in more creative fields. That was definitely an eye-opener (Ive in fact thought about it several times since I read your last post) and makes me realize again that its all about perspective and while the grass might seem greener on the other side its really just greener where you water it (yes I did just quote a Justin Bieber song).  This also again reminds me of Defining Decade and how its natural to feel lost in your 20s but the key is to keep moving and working. So we just keep swimming.

I saw that you entered a sweepstakes for a trip on facebook. Please keep entering those and take me with you. I will do the same. This is key.

Very excited at the possibility of seeing Cabaret! Also, you should come visit me at my apartment sometime and I can make dinner for us or we can go eat at Blossom then write about it on trip advisor. I bet that would be fun. We can even point out all the jewish couples on dates at the local coffee bean. You are ofcourse welcome to stay over as well, but I understand the affinity one has for their own bed so I won't force it. Either way it would be lovely to have you! =)

You Can't See The Forest For The Trees

When I was little, my parents once said that to me. I thought it was so hilarious because I really didn't understand what it meant, and so naturally it sounded like nonsense. They tried to explain it at the time, but I think I just laughed hysterically and didn't listen. Since then, it's become probably one of my favorite and most underused expressions. In case you haven't heard it much, it means that you get so caught up in looking at the stupid details of the trees without seeing the bigger picture of a beautiful forest right in front of you.

I think part of the reason I love this expression so much is that it comes with a built-in life lesson. It's so easy to look at the tree right in front of you and get super focused on the knot and the scratch and trying to figure out which tree belongs next to it, but in doing so you miss the bigger picture. And you can walk your way through the forest worrying about every little detail and realize that you've missed the whole forest. A wonderful metaphor for life, that I feel I can't hear enough of. I need a lot of reminding to make sure I'm enjoying life as a whole instead of worrying about where I'm at and where I should be at. And that doesn't really help to answer any of my millions of questions, but it does make me smile. And that's not too bad. 

Anyway, I was thinking about that the other day and wanted to share. It's just one of those things that strikes me a certain way I guess. I find it poetic. 

So right now it's Sukkot! And while it is stressful having to miss work and make it up, I think I'm in the minority of my friends who could have as many days off as God wants me to have and I'll enjoy every minute. I hope the same will be true next week when I'm at Jen and Eric for the last days. I love the holidays. I love spending three days sitting at home reading, seeing family friends, and sleeping. What could be bad? Most people get bored but I just don't seem to. Nothing new there. Right now it's Chol Hamoed- which literally translates to "The weekday of the the holiday"- basically the days in between the non-electricity days (Yom Tov). The term Chol Hamoed applies to the middle days of Pesach as well. Technically we are still supposed to be eating meals in the Sukkah (though I don't really during the week) and all of the special prayers for this holiday are still said during these days, so I'm trying to at least keep it in mind that it's a holiday because forgetting because of work is depressing. 

Last night, I saw my high school friend group and they hadn't heard about the trip/one of them didn't remember about it at all, so it was nice to be able to start from scratch, and talk about it all over again. I don't get tired of reliving it. Also this girl I once interned with is on a crazy Europe trip right now, and I'm going nuts for her photos. 

I get what you mean about never being able to replicate people's ability to be natural, like my boss. I've been trying pretty hard and my family was laughing at me listening to me talking on the phone in my 'Melissa voice', but it seems to be working okay. I've never felt so committed to the idea of "fake it 'til you make it." I am absolutely faking it. The part that I'm conflicted about is - Make it to what? 

On your note about feeling like you'd be happier or more fulfilled in a more creative field, I had a really interesting conversation with my friends last night. JJ is in her third year of med school- just done with the book stuff and just starting rotations- the meat of being a doctor you would think. But she feels lost and said she doesn't know what she's doing. Alison is in grad school for Art Therapy and is feeling, I guess, a little frustrated with her internship, which she thought would be work she would like but is not what she was hoping for. It's interesting because we are all in such different fields on such varying degrees of the 'Passion Scale,'  and we all seem to be in the same place: I'm doing what I think, on paper, I like. I don't like it right now, but I don't know what else is going on, so I'm just going to keep trying. 

You have told me about The Defining Decade by the way. I requested it from the library, but it came in at an inopportune time before the trip so I lost it. I should request it again. Also, I know I chose a different title for this post, but if I had gone for a line from yours it would have been this: The great thing is when someone can take what you're feeling and paraphrase it for you. Do you ever notice that when you see a line you wrote in the title, it makes it seem deeper and you find yourself thinking "I wrote that?" It's a cool feeling and- side note- makes me really think I need to not be so hard on my writing because maybe it'll seem brilliant or even okay upon revisiting. 

There's probably some middle ground that I've yet to discover

I agree it's great talking to people about the trip who actually want to hear about it. It's especially nice when you have one of those random flashbacks and are with someone you can share it with.

So glad the job is going well! Yay!Working sundays most definitely does not sound fun but if you enjoy your work then I suppose its not so bad. I agree its very fascinating to listen to people who are good with other. Whenever I meet someone who is just so natural and great at talking to people I always try to observe them and take mental notes but then just end up being my awkward self at the end of the day.

I always wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life. It's funny and comforting to hear you feel the same way too because I always think I feel this way because I work in finance and its the typical useless industry that's just all about making money. You would think TV is an industry that's more artistic and people who work in it are more about following their passions and all. But go figure. This also leads me to think that unless you work for greenpeace or own JARS maybe every 20 something feels like this. Have I told you about the book the defining decade? Its all about how your 20s are the most important decade and she goes over all these problems that people in our age have and how we feel and how to deal with it. I would recommend reading it but don't expect it will have all the answers its more just about getting perspective I think. One part in the book I think back to often is the end where this girl asks an older person "Am I going to make it?" and he replies " You haven't decided yet." So that's profound and scary at the same time. It's a nonfiction book in case that wasn't implied. But yes anyways my point is that maybe regardless of what we do we will feel like this and that's just because we are ambitious people who do want to do something worthwhile when in reality any job we can get so early in our careers won't really give us that satisfaction.

Along the same lines I am also constantly thinking about what else is out there for me. Some days I feel trapped and some days the possibilities feel endless. There's a great Ted talk by Priya Parker on how a lot of smart, talented people end up in professions that don't make a difference in world and how those people can work to unwind themselves from those jobs to wind up in ones where they will make a difference while also making themselves happy. The talk is great but again all these things just seem easier said than done. Some days I also feel like I am worrying about it too much and I should just go with the flow and things will work themselves out. And then I freak out that I'm not doing enough or taking advantage of my opportunities. So yea. Confusion.

I wonder if 10 years from now we will look back on all these things and be amused or are we going to be like..nothing has changed? I certainly hope not. Things should change.

I know sounded very depressed and down in my last post and to tell you the truth I really was but thankfully I was able to get enough perspective in my life to stop feeling that way after a couple of days. I think it just really got to me because I felt like I had been job hunting for SO long and after all that to think I hadn't found something good just made me feel like a failure. But now Ive kind of come to the conclusion that while yes I don't have a new job yet and yes that certainly sucks that shouldn't be the be all and end all of my life and my mood. I think Ive been so hung up on the job thing that I never really took the time to celebrate the things that I did manage to change in my life like moving out or going to Scandinavia with you! These are still pretty big things that at one point in the past I only hoped to have and now I have it. I did it, and regardless of what is going on in my job life it should still make me happy. Also when I was whining to one of my friends from work he was just like first world problems Monisha, and after I was like ugh I was like..this is true. I have a job that pays me enough to lead a great life and I should be thankful of that instead of whining about it constantly.

So yes Im doing better now. Something I think also helped is that I was really resisting doing the work in my new team/becoming a part of it thinking that if I didn't get attached to it then it would be easier to leave. But ultimately all that did was make my present a living hell because of the bets I was placing on my future. Now Im trying to be more involved and weirdly enough its making things better. So I will let you know how this week goes.

As for the apartment that too is getting much easier. Once I got over the this is all new and freaky feeling I realized the my commute is now ten minutes and I have way more time to myself feeling and that feeling is fantastic. So yea just starting trouble.

I have to say though that even when Im going through all this your empathy is great and knowing you are here for me does make it all that much better. The great thing is when someone can take what you're feeling and paraphrase it for you. Then you really know they get what youre saying.

Some other life updates:
1. I went to my friend's wedding yesterday and it was so much fun I can't wait to start attending more. At the same time its crazy to think people in my age group can be MARRIED so maybe I can.

2.  Sorry this bowl is so late the wifi in my apt last week was not working hopefully I will find a way to be much more punctual with this now.

I guess I only had 2...ah well.  As for dinner this week I would love to except I can't do tuesday but any other day I would love to! Can't wait to hear more stories soon! (especially the pizza stone one).