This is Key.

Runner up for post title: I don't think I ever anticipated how long I would keep feeling like this. This sentence makes me feel. Like a punch in the heart. And I so, so, so relate.

I have to say, I really thought this post was from last week and I had no idea that I was almost two weeks overdue. I mean to be fair, I couldn’t use my computer the 16^th, 17^th, or 18^th and then worked on the 19^th through 24^th, but that doesn’t actually make it better. The less I post, the less you post, and the less I get to know what’s going on in your life. So for that reason, I really do want to make an effort to post more. Or at the very least once a week. I mean, come on, Jenna.

Here’s the thing though. I’m attempting NaNoWriMo again. And this time, I’m going it alone, which is crazy when I take into account how hard it was when I only had to write every fifth day. I really want to do it though. I really want to know that I can accomplish it. That I can write something from start to finish. I’m sick of feeling like writing or like I should be a writer and never having actually completed something. So, I am motivated. This week, after I finish This is Where I Leave You (30 pages or so left), I’m going to spend commutes working on an outline.

Thank you for the birthday wishes! You should never apologize for a Friends quote, by the way. This weekend, I spent Shabbos at my friend Allison. We were in Synagogue and she was feeling really short between me (in heels, relax) and her friend who is extremely tall and was wearing a green dress. She pulled out the “Ya big tree!” quote that Chandler says to Richard when Richard is trying to get Monica back. The friend was a bit offended, but again, you never apologize for quoting friends.

I’m so excited for Cabaret. My birthday was actually really nice. My boss took me out for lunch, as I mentioned, and I was getting texts and Facebook posts all day. I went to Jen and Eric for the holiday that night (and the next three days) and they got me a Fudgie The Whale cake. It was delicious- so delicious, seriously have you ever had a Fudgie???- but more than that, it really just feels good to know people care about you enough to make your day special.

(How cute were those Hannahbear videos??? Also, have you ever had my mom’s Ring Ding cake? She made it for me the previous Shabbat since I wouldn’t be home for my birthday weekend, and it was delicious. All my Chopped friends texted that they hope my mom made me a good cake, which I thought was pretty funny.)

The rest of the holiday was really nice too. Josh and Jamie were there too (Eric’s brother and sister in law) I really like Jamie, so it’s nice getting to crack her shell a little. I did get a little intoxicated Friday night, which I regretting all night when I barely slept, but life is often about making choices where you just have to decide if the fun is worth the fallout.

While I was at Allison’s this weekend, she mentioned that her new roommate’s sister (to whom I had almost introduced myself on Friday night at this party thing) works in publishing at Random House in Young Adult Lit. I mean, dream job? I’m going to get her information and talk to her about it. The more I think about publishing the more right it feels. The hard part is trying to figure out if that is my gut talking or just my brain agreeing with whatever as long as it’s not what I’m currently doing.

Not that I hate what I’m currently doing. It’s fine. A little boring today, as you can probably tell, but fine. I finished up my casting project on my birthday, or really the following Sunday. Since last Monday, I’ve been doing Production Coordinator work. Only really what I’ve been doing is intern work. It’s a good title, and will look good on a resume I think, but again. Intern work. I mean, I’m literally going on runs to B&H and the supermarket. I don’t even mind so much because I get some fresh air and sun (though it did rain a lot last week), but it’s the principle of feeling idle and like my brain isn’t doing any work. I’m not really learning much other than what to do with receipts when someone gives you a pile of them. Honestly, the highlight of my week was something that involved math. If that’s not cause for concern, I don’t know what is.

I don’t know if I mentioned this, but when I found out it was my last week on the casting project and that there was this short-term coordinator thing, the woman in charge of hiring and such was talking to me about the possibility of working here full-time. Like with a salary and potential for benefits and (maybe?) vacation days. I know I need a full-time job soon, because family benefits are going to run out soon and it’s just more practical in a lot of ways. But A. I’m not too crazy about the idea and B. I don’t know if I want to stay in TV at all. This place is all reality, and it really makes a difference not having friends here like I did at Chopped. I miss having a group and people to talk to. Even when it was just me and my boss. And the thought of eagerly saying “Sign me up for more!” here fills me with a little bit of dread. But again, maybe it’s just my brain being afraid of committing. Maybe I need to take your dad’s advice. Just because I take a full time job, doesn’t mean I’m “settling down.” Life keeps moving. Of course the flip side is that just because it’s a full time job at a big company doesn’t mean it’s the right decision.

So yes, I have been seriously thinking about publishing and will definitely need to talk to that girl’s sister. The fascinating thing about feeling so lost is learning how many people in so many different positions feel the same way. My therapist used to tell me this, but I didn’t really feel that it was true until now. I told you about my high school friends, but then I had a similar conversation with the Gombos. They all seemed to feel the same way. Even married. Even in their advanced degree programs. What was interesting was that Eric and Josh observed that I have a strong feeling that there is something out there that I will love doing if I can just find it. It was interesting for two reasons: 1. Because they don’t feel that way, and 2. Because I often think about this idea that I have and worry that it’s a TV/Gen Y construct of fulfillment that is keeping me from actual contentment. Or maybe it’s just a personality trait of mine. Or maybe it’s true. How is one supposed to know?

Don’t worry. I will never stop entering those contests. If for no other reason than to keep the dream alive. It felt really great reflecting on the trip while working on the Travelettes submission. My newest prospective blog name? The Edgy Explorer. It wasn’t taken on twitter and there is no taken domain as far as I know. Plus it says something about me (I’m anxious, but not so much so that I don’t do anything) while still keeping a certain vagueness (Exploring what? Edgy how?) So yeah, if I had my way, I’d still go with Snarky in the City, but I like this too.

See you soon!