It's like your my Dr.Tom

I really miss Being Erica. It was such a unique show and Ive never really found anything like it. I always find myself telling people about it and them not taking me seriously enough to actually start watching the show and it's sad because they just dont know the life lessons they're missing. I always think to myself I need to go rewatch all the episodes. Maybe Ill do it at some point.

So I ended up doing the trip because I know my mom really wanted to do it so I was like lets just go and take our chances and we did and now Im in maryland. It actually ended up being ok because it only rained for like 5 min of the drive and the rest was fine. So tomm we are making the drive to north carolina so lots of driving this weekend.

I love the Hannahbear anecdote youre so right you just dont take enough time to appreciate these thigns. Also I just noticed that when I type really fast I dont use any apostrophes so please let me know if that bothers you because I will start using them.

I hope the confusion gets figured out, let me know what ends up being decided. I was thinking if I really wanna do my MBA I should probably take my GMAT this fall so August would be a great time for a trip since I may not get time to travel after that until December. And thats just sad.

It's interesting that you thought my family stuff was interesting because even as I was writing it I was thinking that I never really talk about this stuff. I think its possible I randomly decided to talk about it since I generally have less of a filter when Im doing things virtually, not that I ever really have much of a filter with you but I also think that I always separate my life and do this thing where I only talk about my family with my family and only talk about my friends with my friends. Youre right this is very different from how much you talk about things ( not that I ever found it to be non-stop whining I always appreciated hearing it maybe the humorous take worked?) and I always found it so interesting how much you tell your mom about things because I rarely ever talk to my mom about my friends or anything outside of our home life.

I read The Chosen in school so I guess its not that random since I didn't pick it up on my own. You can read it but I dont remember it being life altering. I keep thinking back to We Were Liars and I feel like there were a lot of things I missed in the beginning of the book since I wasnt expecting the twist. Like even the aunt talking about Johnny thing didnt register with me until you mentioned it because while I was reading it, it was just another weird thing along with a lot of other weird things. I would read it again but now I know the twist so its just not as fun. Also, the fire was such a big twist for me that when I found out they were dead I was already in shock so it wasnt as much of a new shock if that makes any sense? It definitely made me feel really sad though I can say that much. I agree about the whole memory thing too like the whole time when she kept mentioning the gas can or the black pearls I never thought about what it could mean because I thought they were just random memories she had from the summer. But when its put together with the big picture it was pretty crazy. Should I read Sharp Objects? I remember I started reading Dark Places and it was a little too messed up for me so i stopped. I really really liked Gone Girl though, I think I generally like books with twists. Who doesnt.

About what you said about the power of TV to make something look cool, thats how I feel about jail after marathoning Orange in the new black. But jail is not glamorous or fun. I really want some of that chocolate milk it sounds amazing.

Its unfortunate that crawling under a table and cradling yourself isnt socially acceptable, I can see how it would help you calm down. I also laughed out loud when I read that sentence. And its very trye what you said about facebook. I don't know if I mentioned it to you before but theres this book called the Defining Decade. Its written by a psycologist who specialized in treating 20-somethings and wrote a book on patterns she found people our age facing when dealing with the issues in our lives. Its very insightful, and while I do think it's more targeted towards people who think of their 20s as throwaway years and we're pretty on track theres still a lot in it that puts things in good perspective. One those things is how Facebook is one of the downfalls of our generation because while it's great that we can see that so and so has a JARS business or that so and so has a cool new job, we inevitably end up comparing ourselves to those people and feeling like failures. And this makes no sense because not only are we in a different space in our lives but also because people don't post their life crises on facebook( well some do but thats a different story). Like people aren't really posting the whole picture theyre just posting the big moments which completely changes the way we view them. The fact is that if we were to post our big moments then our lives would look amazing too but those who know everything that goes on in our lives it looks completely different.

I used to say that to Jen too about her blog. Like how when I would read it I would think oh shes so cool with her great outfits and awesome weekend plans but then I'd be like wait I actually know her life and its not perfect at all. Anyways its a cool book and you should read it. This also reminds me of a blog I read called waitbutwhy, which has awesome posts on a lot of random things but one of my favorite ones is called Life is a Picture but you're in a pixel, and it talks about how people always think oh if I just get that promotion I'll be so much happier or oh if I can just get a great partner I'll be happier but ultimately life isn't just those big moments but rather everything that happens in between. Anyways its a great post and they do it way more justice so I will let you check it out. Heres the link:

http://waitbutwhy.com/2013/11/life-is-picture-but-you-live-in-pixel.html


The job Im looking at is management consulting (in strategy). You basically get paid to have an opinion which I think is awesome because I have lots of them. Its also going into companies and making them better which i think could be cool. It would really help if I can talk to somebody who is currently doing this job but I dont really know anybody so I need to work on that. And its funny you should mention the celebrity thing because just yesterday someone was telling me that John Legend used to work for the Boston Consulting Group ( a management consulting company) but then he quit because he wanted to sing. Well isnt life peachy for him.

You know its weird I keep telling members of my family that Im going to move and theyre just not as shocked or surprised as I thought they would be.Maybe its also because I prepped them for it before hand and I kept talking about it but still it would be nice. Just because I feel like its an accomplishment and I surprised myself.

Anyways its funny that I found the need to write in this even thought Im travelling like I brought my laptop on this trip for the sole reason of writing. Hope you have a good shabbos/july 4th!

Is Dallas even a real city. I think not.

This made me laugh. You know out loud.

Parental indecisiveness is terrible. I can relate because the same thing is happening with my mom with everything Sabrina's trip in August. Adorable anecdote on the side: today on video chat, my mom told Hannahbear that she (hannah) will be coming here soon and she said "Ohhhh I can't wait come Mischief house!" She also said Midnight house, which is sad, but I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. (Great expression, by the way... you just don't take enough time to appreciate these things). So my mom wants them to come later in August because my mom is going to St. Louis next week and she wants to space out the visits since the holidays are at the end of September this year. However, I've obviously said I would prefer it not be late August, but more importantly my sister said she wants to be in St. Louis in late August, so I don't really understand what the confusion is about, but it goes on nonetheless.

It's so interesting, reading what you wrote it occurs to me that you hardly ever talk about any tumultuousness with your family. That's fine of course, but it strikes me as so different from how much I complain about my family stuff. I know from past conversations with friends though that my charming humorous take on family nonsense keeps it from feeling like non-stop whining. Hopefully that's how you feel too. It's crazy how much the dynamic can change when one family member steps out of the picture for a bit. Whenever my mom goes to St. Louis I get anxious about being alone with my dad, but the truth is that with one less opinion in the house it usually ends up being less tumultuous if anything.

Soooo random that you've read The Chosen. Should I read that? The Giver is good so far. I have this goal to finish it before Shabbat so I can actually have read it all during weekday time. I'm not sure if that's ever happened before. Also, Ender's Game is apparently 1985, so that would certainly me ahead of it's time too in that sense. There's been a lot of writing lately about YA and whether people should or shouldn't like it. Which is a ridiculous thing to discuss and spend time trying to convince people of one way or the other. Yes, I am guilty of putting on my apologetic voice when I tell people about YA novels that I've liked. But if I was ever challenged on it, I would indignantly defend my right to like whatever book I feel like.

So We Were Liars! So glad you liked it! The reason I told you not to read anything about it was that I read several blurbs that either said or implied a big twist, which left me focusing for most of the book on what the twist might be. (Ummm Spoiler Alert for potential readers from Singapore, I guess?) I toyed for some parts of the book with the idea of Gat being dead or Mirren. but in the end it never made sense since they could see and talk to each other. In retrospect, not broadening this theory was pretty stupid of me, but it's more fun to be surprised. I remember the first time where I was like "What is going ON in this book!?" and that was when she had talked to the aunt about Johnny not sleeping well and in the morning the aunt was like "I don't know what you're talking about."

I thought it was really cool the way the author played with memory throughout the entire thing. You knew she was missing memories because she TOLD you that, but you didn't think to wonder if she was missing more than she realized. And the memory stuff extended to the family too because of trauma or senility or whatever. I really liked that. I thought at first that the fire was "the twist" and that was a little disappointing, but obviously not for long. It was so sad and you really felt it. You're right about YA doing emotions really well. I also feel like they do quirks really well. Small things like her giving away stuff. I don't see that in enough adult fiction. Of course good fiction has that stuff regardless of age group. For example Sharp Objects, by Gillian Flynn, which I read recently. I also read a book called Reconstructing Amelia that was very good. It goes back and forth between a mother trying to make sense of her daughter's death and the last few months of the daughter's life. In that way it's part YA, part suspense, and not nearly as heartrendingly sad as you would expect given the subject matter.

Now back to emotions. Can I just say how much I totally get your sudden understanding of smoking? I had that too at one point, probably in college, but I get it every now and again. (Also, years ago when I marathon-ed the first three seasons of Mad Men and realized the power of TV to make something look cool) But there are times when I feel overcome with anxiety and I can imagine how smoking might just relax me a little bit. In Israel, I used this chocolate milk that came in a bag to relax me when I had existential panic.

I would bite the corner off and drink it and it would give me a minute to calm down. Also it was delicious. Since then though, my instinct is generally to crawl under the nearest table and bury my head in my knees. I don't know where that came from, and it's usually not socially acceptable to do it, but when I'm really stressed about something I can picture myself just climbing under a table for a few minutes of deep breathing where my thoughts would just stop. 

It's interesting what you say about how it doesn't make sense to compare yourself to people from your grade anymore. I'm going to have to mull that over I think. I wonder what it must have been like to not have these life updates on people until Christmas cards or 10 year reunions. I think facebook and everything has made us too aware of what others are doing. It's great for, say, connecting with people in other countries whose lives you may never have glimpsed. But I'm not sure it's all that helpful in terms of the guy I know in PR who posts pictures of himself at event with celebrities. It's largely possible that he has nothing to do with them and his job just brings him to cool events, but I ultimately wouldn't like that job. Like you said, just because someone else has it, doesn't mean you would enjoy it. 

I'm sorry that you're feeling the same crises, but it's nice to go through it with someone who gets it and feels it in the same way. I think an MBA is a huge but exciting undertaking, and if it's what you want to do, then I have no doubt that you can and will do it! What is the job that you were looking at? And what is about Harvard? God. I always think it's funny how with actors or celebrities, going to an Ivy League school is like a "fun fact" (12 things you didn't know about SoandSo: #7 He's actually smart! He went early decision to Yale!) But with other things, the name gets people. Still, there are thousands of people out there succeeding without it and it just makes a better story when you succeed and you get to say to those stupid Harvard people that you did it on your own without the name. (Or you go to an Ivy for your MBA...)

I hear your frustration though with the girl who was just as qualified as you. In some cases, it's just about the luck of where you are in the pile. But the flip side is that sometimes you are in the exact right place. Like you keep telling me, things tend to happen, and they tend to work out for the best just like that. 

My Chrome just froze and I almost lost all of this and it totally saved it for me! How awesome is that? Jeez that was scary. Anyway I know exactly what you mean when you say you feel like you're repeating the same grade. I felt that way at Chopped. This girl that I worked with over the second cycle of Chopped that I worked on (so starting last October maybe?) has had three jobs since Chopped. That's crazy to me. But again, I guess that's just more comparing yourself to other people. 

Thank you for the tough love. There are a lot people telling me that London is a good idea, but I think they are more theoretical about it. You're the only one who keeps telling me to put everything into it, and it's nice to have that since the voice in my head has enough realism/pessimism without everybody else chiming in with it too. I like writing in here too. Especially when we do it frequently like this. It's like you're my Dr. Tom. 

It's better to not let it go

Mind you that's not how I normally do things, I always tell myself to let it go but you know ultimately youre just hurting yourself by doing that so it's better to just let it out and say what you need to say. I also appreciate your nutrition joke. I lauged. You know out loud.

I'm sad I won't see you saturday as well, especially because my family has complete disregard for my plans and schedule. Now my mom is unsure if we will go because there's a hurricane or some nonsense. I know she still really wants to go so I feel bad and also since I had already mentally committed to it. She's being even more annoying by not fully saying we're not going because she's doing the whole oh maybe we'll go if the weather clears up and its not as bad as they say. Ugh, anyways last week in July is booked and I'm not making any other plans so that's good. I can't believe I have plans every other weekend in July it seems ridiculous to me but alas.

And the family stuff is good yes, I do enjoy it to a certain level mostly because I prefer my family in groups rather than it just being me and my mom because we tend to have a tumultuous relationship that way. I think it's because we're so similar but eh who knows. Usually we have my dad as the buffer so we do fine but when he's not there all this stuff comes out and it can get annoying.

So now let me get to your overwhelming feelings. First of all let me just say I know it has little to with me and I know you are happy for me so you in no way have to feel bad or guilty or anything really because I know exactly how you feel and I would react in pretty much the exact same way.

Side note, I love lofts too but I don't know if I could ever live in one I have an irrational fear that Id fall. Its kind of like how I feel about staircases with no railings.

I haven't read the Giver but I have read the Chosen. If its good I would love to put it on my list. And I love short books because it makes me feel really accomplished. It is interesting that its written in 1993 though, I forget when Enders Game was written but thats also a book I felt was ahead of its time.

I finally finished We Were Liars ( its funny I say finally when just yesterday I told you I was almost done with it) and it was REALLY good. I totally didnt see the ending coming and it was crazy and sad all at the same time. Also I didnt realize it before but I have actually read a couple of the author's other books when I was actually a young adult and remember liking them a lot so it makes sense that I liked this one too although I have to say this one had a way more interesting plot. I also love the way young adult books capture emotions. I actually read this article on why young adult books are so popular and it mentioned how its kind of the perfect time in someones life to capture emotion because everything seems so amplified and I could really kind of see that in this book. Anyways please write all the sentences to me now.

Ok i was going in order of your post so now let me also get back to the overwhelming feelings. Its funny because I read what you wrote to me this morning when I woke up, then proceeded to go to work and have a crisis of my own triggered by something completely different but Ill get to that. It makes a lot of sense your stressed and I know right now youre feeling kind of powerless in terms of what to do with your life. I definitely think its a natural way to feel but I also think  you need to keep in mind that at the end of the day regardless of how much effort you put in, things will happen the way things will happen. Also it always feels to me like either nothing is happening or things happen all at once, so while it may seem like people around you are transitioning with ease in reality we are all going through this stress and this feeling of not knowing what is going on or whether anything is going on at all and then bam, something actually happens and suddenly things make sense. This is at least what happened with the whole moving thing because I spent a month being stressed about it then another month not thinking about it and it kind of just worked itself out. I still kind of feel like I'm not moving because even though Ive got one part of things figured out I still need to figure out my job situation and that feels hopeless.

The JARS thing kind of reminds me of this girl who I used to intern with freshman year of college (I may have told you about her I hated her back then too) but she started this blog called "my three searches" about how she went on these blind dates and whatever and it was the stupidest most frustrating thing ever but I couldnt stop reading it and she actually got views! Like people actually read the crap and it just made me mad and it made me even more mad that I couldnt stop reading it. Anyways she stopped posting so the world is a better place now. So I see how the JARS thing can be frustrating is what Im trying to say, but again while in school it made sense to compare yourself to people in your grade, it doesnt really make sense in the real world because everyone has diff situations, etc.

You know I know its good to be realistic and I should probably tell you to be excited about non-london things but I still feel like you should really push for the london thing. Its something you really want, and its the right time for it so dont give up on that because I just know things are going to work out for you. Not to say let the Live thing go, definitely still pursue this as well because hey at least its not Chopped. And i also dont really think it would be moving backward since you wouldnt be an intern.

As to the anti-london signs..no! The only anti-london sign would be if you couldnt actually get a job in london after trying for a long period of time. Because really it all comes down to the fact that there will always be a million reasons not to do something, but when you know you want it just go for it and stop looking for signs! (Note the tough love tone)

I really like Snarky in the City, I think it could suit you and I think you can use it anyways because is Dallas even a real city. I think not. So thats my answer to that.

I mentioned it a little bit before, but my mini-crisis today is about my job. I also wrote a melodramatic blog post on it so feel free to check that out. Basically, this job that I was hoping to get an interview for I didnt get, and it made it worse that they had hired this girl who pretty much had the exact same experience as me. At first I was ok about it because I figured they were probably just not hiring anymore since it didnt make any sense to me that someone with such a similar background to me would get hired and I wouldnt even get an interview. I also thought that the job may not really be what Im looking for, and I keep going after these jobs that sound good but I dont know if they would ness be good for me and make me happy. Like if someone else told me they had that job, Id be like oh thats great but I just don't know if I would be happy doing said things. Luckily enough I dont even get the chance to make these confusing decisions as fate takes care of that for me.

So anyways, after that I started looking into people's profiles who did have the job that I think I want and I saw that 95% have MBAs from really top tier schools and the other 5% went to Harvard so that was extremely disheartening.  After some thought on it (and moping) Ive kind of decided that an MBA might be something to seriously think about so thats pretty much where I ended up at the end of the day.  I just hope this is one of those things I actually do and not just something I talk about doing and then let go. I was actually talking to a friend at work today about how it's weird seeing all these people who started at the company with us leaving to go to new jobs because it makes me feel like Im being left behind or doing something wrong. It feels like theyre going onto the next grade while Im being made to repeat the same one. Obviously this doesn't translate the same way to jobs but its hard to get out of that mentality. Its hard to make myself realize that what I want for myself may not be what other have and want.

I really like writing in here, it makes it feel like we're virtually living together or something. I just feel like there's always so much going on and I just need someone who gets it and gets me and this is kind of perfect for that ( as long as I have my laptop charger handy).

I thought I was going to let this go until the morning

But here we are. I felt a little overwhelmed and thought I'd sit on my feelings for a minute, but I decided it might be better to just write them (since eating them is still not an option...this nutrition NONSENSE)

So let me start by saying if anyone understands family guilt, it's me- so I get it about Saturday. I'm sad that I won't see you, but this is pretty advanced notice, so I'll take it. I don't think I have plans for the end of July? I'll let you know if anything that was there all along pops up, but I will commit to not being away that weekend or inviting a different friend, deal? Next weekend my mom will be away, so that means I'm probably going to find myself away as well. I hope your hiking plans don't fall through. Meanwhile have fun in North Carolina. It's nice that you have a lot of family stuff this month. Especially since you like that stuff. Me, I could take it or leave it, but that's mostly to do with the family.

Also, I'm so happy that you found an apartment that you like with people that you like so quickly and easily! This does contribute to my overwhelming feelings, but it's not so much to do with you as with me, so the important part is that I AM happy for you and can't wait to see your place and the high ceilings and the roof. It's so exciting! Incidentally, I don't know if you've ever told me about this love or if I just share it so I assumed you had it too, but either way, me too. My friend Tali (who lives on the UWS) lived in Hoboken for a while and her apartment had such high ceilings it was bananas. I loved that. Conversely, I've also always love tiny spaces like lofts, which Tali's apartment had too. Her roommate's room was pretty much just the ceiling with a step-like ladder. But yeah, lofts, top bunks, hidden nooks, bay windows where you can read, the space out on the roof where people seem to sit in TV shows a lot... I've never outgrown that either.

I'm reading The Giver for the first time. Have you read it? I have this feeling that most of my friends growing up read it in elementary school or maybe middle school, and I was always conscious of this though I never felt the need to read it myself. (There is also a Jewishly-themed book called The Chosen that I think I always confused it with. When they said they were making a movie of The Giver, it surprised me because I thought they meant The Chosen. I never knew what either was about.) The Giver is good though, and it's small both in size and length, which makes the reading part fast, which I find speeds me up because getting far in a book is fun and makes you want to continue. My last book was long and my next book is ABSURDLY long too, so it's a nice intermission. It was also written in 1993, which makes it seemingly ahead of it's time in the YA Dystopia department, which makes it more interesting to me, but then I guess I should really go back further to 1984 and stuff. Some day.
(P.S. Here is a picture of my next book. They sent me the Large Print Edition from the library. Luckily I also have it for Nook. https://twitter.com/jennagrunfeld/status/482218343890317312)

Glad to hear that We Were Liars is getting good. I started a bunch of sentences, but decided I should just wait until you're done for all that. I still have a few episodes left of Orange is the New Black. I don't know how. I watched the first 9 in about three days and then tried to budget the rest, and ended up just not going back to it. I will though. Just keep forgetting to watch stuff on the computer instead of the DVR.

So I guess I should at some point get to the overwhelming. I guess I'll say it's triggered by you moving because you're moving and Amanda's moving and I'm not moving. It's not this one thing, and it's not your fault OF COURSE, and I do mean it when I say I'm excited for you. As you know, I've been in a stressed place lately anyway, so it comes and goes in waves. Honestly, I guess I'm just in a transitional period in life without really knowing how and where to transition, and it feels like people are doing it around me with ease. And I know that's not true, since you're also trying to figure stuff out and do something different, but it feels overwhelming when people are moving around you and you're standing still (I mean moving here in the general sense, not as in living spaces.) Right after reading this, I logged onto Facebook and there was a new port by JARS by Dani just waiting for me, which made it worse. I don't know if I've mentioned this to you, but I feel like I tell people about it a lot. This girl my age that I know from my year in Israel owns this business where she essentially bakes things and puts them in jars and it seems to be doing really well. And every time she pops up on my feed, I'm just like, seriously? You're a successful business owner? How? Why? Nothing to do with her personally of course, she's great and there is no reason why she doesn't deserve a business it's just that someone my age has accomplished in that way (it seems) that makes me panic and, as a result, scoff every time. You can google it if you're curious. They are pretty. [end of long tangent about jars]

I got a call today about a position opening sort of at Live (it's in the promos department and technically working for another company, but still) and apparently there is another position opening too. Both of these things are great news and I'm trying to re-frame my mind so that I can learn how to be excited about non-London things again. I loved it there. I think I would again, though there is something unsettling about "moving backward" just in the sense that it's going back to a place where I was three years ago. I know that it would be different, and I don't know what to make of that either (good news? bad news?) I would also like to note that this call came in just as I was connected to someone at the Austrian Consulate. When I called back the citizenship guy was at lunch. I know I've said this before, but should I be taking these as anti-London signs?

On the lighter side, I've thought of two blogs names that I really like. Naturally, because they are good, they are both taken. They are "Witty in the City" and "Snarky in the City." Both have their charms (rhymes, alliteration). Witty in the City seems to be a fairly popular foodish blog. Snarky in the city is a girl in Dallas I think. I kinda feel like I can use it anyway. Is that incorrect? Obviously the domain is taken, but other than that? Can't I just call it SnarkyintheCityblog.com or whatever? I like it because it would potentially transfer to other cities, and it has a ring to it, and it's less weird with the connotations. Thoughts? I know that talking this much about it and not doing it is ridiculous, but my gears are churning and having an identity would help probably maybe? My brain is fried and half of this probably didn't make sense. I'll let you know when I'll be around the city!

Sorry!

Ok so please don't hate me but I think I have to go to North Carolina this weekend now. My cousin's baby is turning 1, and originally only my sister was going to go and my mom was all nah we're not going to that but now all of a sudden she's changed her mind and is adamant to go. Of course this means that I have to accompany her because she can't drive that long on her own so the plan is to stop by my sister's in Maryland, pick her and her husband up and then continue onwards to NC. Also right now I feel really guilty saying no to my mom because my dad is in India for 3 months and she was telling me how bored she was last weekend and didn't know what to do with herself and I just kind of feel like a bad daughter leaving her on her own.

Unfortunately this also means that Im not free on a Saturday until the end of July unless my hiking plans for next weekend fall through (there is a big chance it might) but I will let you know.

This also brings me to my next news which is that I'm moving! So it all happened very suddenly I was playing around with the idea of moving for a while now and knew I didn't want to spend another winter commuting especially after the last horrid one, but wasn't taking any real steps towards it because I'm a lazy homebody. However luckily for me my friend at work (the one who's wedding I'm going to in the fall) told me that she had friends who lived in the Upper West Side, 3 girls one of which is moving to Philly in August and has a year left on her lease. So I went to check out the place and met 1 of the 2 girls I'd be living with (they all went to Rutgers too but a year ahead of us) and liked both so just kind of decided to go for it. The lease is till next July so its not so long that it's a huge commitment and I really liked the area (83 and Amsterdam, 2 aves away from central park), and the apt ( only downside is that its a walk up but hey good excercise, and besides the room is a decent size and has high ceilings so that's a plus). It also has a roof which I'm really excited about. I don't know if Ive ever told you of my love for balconies and rooftops and generally any sort of outdoor space which has a high view. In any case, the girl who is moving out is leaving in Aug. Im scared to commit to a date to move in since again I'll be leaving my mom alone and then I'm going to India for 2 weeks in Sept, and possibly (hopefully) somewhere with you for a week but I really didnt wanna let a good place go and I figured I can just slowly move in since Ill need to buy a bed and stuff anyways.

So thats my scary and exciting news.

You are so right uploading photos on Facebook is a nightmare and I hate doing it but I love sharing photos of my vacations with my friends and it just seems like the most central place to do it. I do get what youre saying about the strangers thing though. I think thats what Im kind of getting at with my blog. And hey you never know, they might love how cute your niece is (just think of the popularity of Jen's blog..they were all strangers once!)

Do let me know what your Danish and Swedish friends say. And also what your mom and sister say. Clearly by my conundrum above you can see that I also have little say with what goes on in my family in terms of timelines and plans. In any case for travelling I'm also open to do the 3rd of 4th week of Aug if that works out better for you, I would just want us to book it by the end of July so we're not waiting till super last min.

I'm almost done with We were liars so thats exciting. It's gotten really good I expect to be done within the next day or two. I love being at this point in the book when it's gotten really good but I still have a bit to go because then I know my commute will be way more enjoyable for the next couple days and that's an awesome feeling. I also finished Orange is the New Black so Netflix has lost its charm for me.

Sorry again about this weekend, I will let you know if anything changes but the next free weekend I have in the last one in July ( I'm terrible I know I apologize) so if youre free then as well I would love to have that plan set and not change it. And if you happen to be in the city at any other point do let me know and we can always get dinner.

YES to this weekend!

YAY! So exciting. My mom made some mention of potentially having company for Saturday lunch or having people over in the afternoon, but that shouldn't affect you either way. Also, more than likely it won't end up happening. If it does though, you'll get to meet people from the neighborhood. Let me know the details (As always if you stay Saturday night we can do something. Not sure if there is anything July 5th-y going on, but I could find out. Of course, any amount of hours is good, so no pressure.)

Thank you for liking all of my photos. It's been years I think since I uploaded photos to Facebook. It's incredible how the software isn't any better. It still froze a million times during the upload. To be fair, the file sizes are large but still. Anyway do you ever feel like it's more fun to post things to strangers (i.e. blog) than to Facebook friends? It seems weird to presume that people I barely talk to care where I've been or how cute my niece is. As opposed to posting them for anyone to find if they decide to be interested. I guess they are kind of the same, but they feel different somehow.

I'm sorry to hear about India not being amazing for the entire time. Were there record heats or something or was it just your perception of it? I'm sure being sick couldn't have helped. I was a little sick toward the end of St. Louis too and it's finally going away I think (though it's turned from a cold into a permanent headache- I'll let you know if it interferes with the weekend, but I think (hope) it'll be fine.) I'm glad to hear it was worth it in the end though. And at least you got some time away. It's nice coming back and feeling like you've been away. I find it's much worse when it feels like I slip back into life and nothing has changed at all. June really did fly by though, which is scary and depressing. Time is an interesting thing, as always.

I will message my Danish and Swedish friends tomorrow and see their thoughts on what would be a plausible one-week vacation. My mom and sister are trying to book a trip for them to come in for August, so I'm waiting to see what those dates will be. My sister wanted to come the first week in August, but my mom wants it to be later and no matter how many times I chime in with what is convenient for me, I don't think anyone cares. So yeah. Hopefully that'll be resolved this week.

No judgment on the Netflix thing, I understand. But do let me know when you finish We Were Liars. It's a pretty quick one. I also want you to read Red Rising- I read a blurb on it recently that reminded me some of the things I liked about it, and now I want to discuss it.

Excited to see you! have a good night (or morning?)

This has been on my mind all week

So the moment I saw this I meant to respond to it but something came up and then I was going to respond the next day but my laptop was out of battery and the charger was all the way downstairs and that obstacle has kept me from responding this long. I am ashamed.

St.Louis sounds like fun! Hannahbear is the cutest I especially love the picture of her in the plane and the one of her staring into a wall ( I dont know why I love this but I do. Love is a complicated thing). It also really makes me excited for when I have a niece or nephew of my own although my sister seems to be in no rush.

India was good, it was really really hot. Like pretty much the hottest Ive ever been in my life and I feel I have been hot at many points in my life. It's weird how every time I go to India I have a completely different experience, like even though Im staying at the same place, visiting the same people, and more or less doing the same things its still like each trip is very unique and has a flavor all its own. Unfortunately this trip wasnt my favorite. I feel really bad and guilty saying that because I went all that way to surprise my grandma ( and she was really happy I came so it was definitely worth going), but something was just off. Like the weather was too hot and I couldn't eat anything and then I got sick which made everything worse. But being there that last day for my grandma's birthday function and seeing my whole family just together made it all worth it (sounds like the ending to a cheesy movie I know). The weirdest part is that when I went a whole month for my sister's wedding it was June too so it shouldve been the same weather but that time I barely noticed.

Anyways, it was still nice to have a break from everyday life and it definitely made the whole month of June fly by because the week before I left I was all frazzled for my trip and this past week that Ive been back Ive just been in a daze. Like even though I was only gone for a week I felt like Ive been gone for a month and everything seemed brand new to me. Even the songs on my playlist that  I was tired of listening to a week ago felt like those good old songs I used to love back in the day.

So I was looking into Scandinavia and I am soo on board it look amazing! I just think Norway, Sweden and Denmark might be a little bit ambitious because there is a ton to see in Norway alone. If we are doing Norway I would definitely want to see a couple cities and hike a fjord or two so I think that alone would take a week but if we are doing Sweden and Denmark that might be doable. Im not really sure as Im not really any expert on any of this so probably best to ask someone who knows or read a Fodor's book or something. Either way it looks beyond amazing and I hope it works out! I remember you telling me about your Sweden friend ( well you didnt tell me she was a Swede but you did tell me you guys had lots of random stuff in common like napping on the couch).

Thank you for the ebooks! Im currently reading we were liars and will slowly make my way through the rest of them although I have to confess ever since I figured out I can watch netflix on my phone during my commute home Ive kind of put a halt on reading (again I am ashamed), but eventually I will back into it...you know like when the signal is bad.

Also Im still not doing anything for July 4th weekend so if youre free as well I can come on Saturday! If not no pressure we still have time.

Miss you!

-Monisha

You need to go through every emotion before you can get to your destination

Sorry that you are so much better at replying quickly. Also, thank you for being so much better at replying quickly.

GREETINGS FROM SUNNY ST. LOUIS!

Hope you're enjoying India. I'm a having a blast with Hannahbear and I got my camera today!!! Here are some lovely pictures:

They were taking at Max's work party that we went to today. It was at his company's hangar and she was playing in the plane. She is so funny and has so much personality. She was moving the steering wheel yelling "I'm the captain!" She makes us watch the music video for 'Happy' eighteen times a day, dances along with it, and then says "Happy Song again?" I was killing time with her in a hallway outside my sister's doctor's office and she kept lifting a leg and saying "I'm a ballerina!" I have a million little anecdotes, and every day brings even more which really warms my heart.

In terms of traveling I was thinking we can try and do Scandinavia- Norway, Sweden, Denmark- if possible. I think I'll try and get in touch with my writing friend in Denmark and ask her if she thinks that's possible. I also have a friend that lived in Sweden most of her life and married a Swede, and I can maybe ask her, but I didn't go to her wedding on Memorial Day and haven't spoken to her since. It was really impractical (Delaware) and I had so much up in the air and all the stuff with my mom etc. And she said it was fine, but I don't know. Maybe it's just my impression of what's happening because I feel a little guilty. We met at Chopped but she left last June and I've basically seen her twice since then, so I didn't feel we were so close, but maybe she felt differently. 

So anyway, yeah, we should look into Scandinavia when we both get home. How is India? How is your grandmother and the rest of your family? Is it nice being away? Is it a million degrees? I'd love to here about it. 

And yes! I do like your blog. I meant to elaborate on my feelings when I saw you at dinner last week, but I forgot and we were talking about so many other things. I love having a window into your mind. It's like all those little stream of consciousness thoughts I miss out on not seeing you often and not living with you anymore are there for me to read now. And then are interesting and challenging too!

Did you get the ebooks I sent you before you left? I hope so. Or I hope they come in handy at some point. That's all I got for now. I'm too tired for the angst right now. It's nice to be able to put them on hold at least a little bit while I'm in St. Louis, although Sabrina is anxious about similar future planning insecurities, so that doesn't help. It's interesting trying to analyze the source of anxieties we both share though. I want a deep ending, but all I keep thinking is my neck hurts. So. Goodnight!

I was seriously waiting for a Bowl all week

Like all week I kept feeling that there would be a bowl happening real soon, and was just waiting. I don't know why I couldn't have written two posts in a row but that just didnt feel like the right thing to do. It also reminds me of this episode of Boy Meets World (did you ever watch that because I feel we never talked about it) where Mr.Feeny says, in Guttenburg's day people used to wait six months just to get their hands on a book. In your generation  you have a new website every six seconds. I don't know why this part of wisdom Mr. Feeny imparted has stuck with me for so long but I thought I would share.

It stinks you had a stressful day, but I didn't find your post overly pessimistic if that helps at all ( I dont know why it would since that day has passed but eh)

That's so cool that you called Jen, if anything I think its the kind of thing she would appreciate. And I get you, my uncle has had two expensive cameras that he has lost before so its important not to break it. But judging from how you normally take care of your things I feel you will be fine and not break it. That being said its an important purchase and its totally normal to take your time with it.

I get your anxiety about blogs and diaries too, I never felt accountable with my diaries because I knew nobody would ever read it or care (except future me and clearly I never cared too much about future me's opinion). And I always get really anxious too when I have to be witty because of course then everything I say just sounds dumb to me so this is just better all around.

I still feel like someone from germany is avidly following our life stories. Maybe we will be the concept of a german movie one day. Who knows.

I feel there is never really a good time to get a haircut. Like on days when I have a random couple hours to spare the last thing I want to do is spend it getting a haircut. And then there's the anxiety of having my hair blown out and not being able to use it on a special occasion. Like what do I look so nice for? Monday?!

Your pessimism/realism about London sounds incredibly natural to me. I also kept thinking of Suite Life of Zach and Cody during your post for some reason. But anyways, I think its so so exciting that it seems impossible( I apoligize for being excited about your anxiety however I just feel like this is just one of those things that's going to make it into your book someday where you'll be telling people how you believed it was impossible and you felt defeated but look, you made it happen and here you are! [you will be in London when you are narrating this fyi]). And ofcourse it seems crazy and impossible now but that's only because you don't know how the story ends yet and you don't know what avenue is going to be the right one. Ultimately this is just a step on the way to success and you need to go through every emotion before you can get to your destination. I'd say for now don't necessarily think about a backup plan because while yes that might be realistic I think this is one of those things where you just kind of have to have faith that it's going to work out. I think that faith will help it work out.

Also as a side note I absolutely loved this line of your post "London feels right but try telling london that"

I can't really ever decide if I want to be realistic or optimistic either, Id like to believe Im both but they really do butt heads sometimes and then I just feel awkward.

Also to traveling--> YES! Seriously, anytime anywhere I am more than down, and sure if London is what works out then I will most definitely come to london. I would just request we look at early to mid august as Im going away again in September but hey who knows maybe I will be in between jobs then and it wont matter. This is me being optimistic by the way because I feel Im not making any real efforts towards job hunting but right now Im not really supposed to be. I dont know why but I just feel like I need to cool down and wait a month before I can get back into it and get my head on straight.

Kind of along the same lines, Im going to India next week! I know i know, its very sudden and its that way for me too. Basically I had zero plans of going anywhere but my grandma is turning 80( which she always was that wasn't the surprise part), and theres this like function for me and at first nobody was going then my mom decided she had to go for her mom and she was like ( to me and my sister) you guys should come too so that all her grandchildren can be there and surprise her and I just couldnt think of a reason why not. Thankfully my manager is great and is letting me work from there so Im leaving next friday and coming back the weekend after so it turned out to be a great fun impromptu trip. I'm just hoping working and everything goes according to plan but recently Iv been feeling like I shouldnt let unnessecary fears rule my life and instead I should just live and hope for the best.  It's like sometimes Ill be driving or walking at night time and Ill think of all the terrible things that could possibly happen to me and while its good to be cautious its just silly to be worried about things that arent even happening. Its so not being present to your situation and what is actually happening to you. Like instead of enjoying my nice quiet time I'm just filling it up with fears in my head that aren't needed. So yea I'm going to try and work on cutting that out.

The email from Chopped seems just unnesscary to your life at this point. I dont know how else to put it. What I would say is don't stress about owing her anything. This is actually something that women do a lot where we tie things like jobs to our emotions when really yea she gave you those jobs but guess what? You did work! It's silly to think that she didn't benefit at all from you doing those jobs. And if you have a gut feeling that it's not what's meant for you then just be honest and say youre not interested in coming back so soon. Ultimately she will be thankful that you've contributed and done great work up until now.

I'm so glad you like my blog ( like honestly I was itching for someone to tell me whether it was working or not). Im trying to make it as honest and me as possible because thats kind of the whole point of it. I think it's .com, Im just using the free version, hopefully Ill figure out how to make it look better soon but for now I focus on content which is basically whatever comes into my mind at any point in the day.

As for coming saturday how is June 28? Thats the first one Im back from India and would love to see you then! Miss you too! And Im so glad we are doing this more often! I love writing out everything I'm feeling just knowing that you'll get what Im saying without any further explanation.

I'm having a stressed day.

I'm just calling it like it is. Also I think that just kind of gives a lens through which to view this post, so that if it ends up being negative, we can blame it on that- a stressed day, not really a stressful day to be fair. (Also, I like how we always explain the titles.)

I didn't buy a camera yet, but I do think that I will soon, I'm just trying to sort out prices a little more. I randomly called Jen last Sunday to ask her opinions about lenses and I'm sure that was really weird, but she was nice as always anyway, and helpful too which was great. I'm still anxious about getting it. I know in the long run it's not that big of a deal, but I don't want to feel pressure to use it enough to "make it worth it" and I don't want to always be worried about breaking it- which I am. Sigh.

I love being able to write my feelings
        a. without worrying about who is reading it or if it's intelligent or witty enough to put out as 'my writing' (GASP). That's always been my problem with blogs. Overanalysis. As always.
        b. knowing that you are reading it. I've always had issues with diaries because no one reads them. And also I'm always imagining someone will come across it so I have to make sure it makes sense and every thought is properly qualified and explained etc. It's sick. I know.

And it's all pretty funny since this blog is public and technically anyone can stumble across it. Not that anyone I know really even knows what blogspot is, let alone goes on a surfs it. So the likelihood of someone I know finding it is fairly small.

Thank you for our nostalgia perpetuating bit about nostalgia. It does make me more nostalgic, but it's also a lovely thought and therefore worth it.

It seems like no matter how I try to make my time productive it just doesn't work. It's not entirely my fault. I've had a lot of doctors to go to and it has taken up an absurd amount of time. And then there are errands and this week was a holiday. Plus there are the things that you keep thinking you need to do and it's just like WHEN- like shopping for new clothes or getting a haircut. It's really crazy that I don't feel relaxed being off, and it's partially my state of mind, but also actually business I think.

I also have had a few of these burst of pessimism about London, which is contributing to my mood. Sometimes is just seems impossible. And I try to tell myself that it's silly to feel defeated without even coming close to exhausting options, but realism and optimism are constantly battling for my attention. It's exhausting and I can't even decide which one I want in my life anyway. Not they are always mutually exclusive.

London feels right, but try telling London that. If it gets to the end of June and still nothing then what? Look for a place to live (this thought depresses me)? I don't want to miss out on travelling with you because of London, so I was thinking depending on how your daily summer schedule is going, that perhaps we could discuss tentative travel plans for August if you are interested. I'd love to do something even if London doesn't work out. More than treating myself to a camera, I think what I want is a different experience and some new perspective. (Though a camera would certainly be good if I do go traveling.)

So, obviously it makes me nervous to book something this far in advance, but I thought if you're still interested maybe we can discuss it a little. If something does work out for me with London, then you can use that time to come visit me instead! This is just spitballing, I understand if you think it's not at all practical. Let me know :)

Another part of the stress is this email I found when I turned on my computer after the holiday last night. It's a group email from my Chopped boss that reads:

It's probably not a surprise, but I do hear rumors of Chopped continuing late summer/early fall.  Loe says, as before, perhaps a small team starts mid to late August and then a full team in swing in Sept.

So, i'm doing a check in to see who is interested/available in coming back, any caveats, etc.  I am putting together a list for Loe, so please respond either way by end of day Friday if you can.  

Ideally you'd be on first refusal for Chopped if timing works.

Thanks and look forward to hearing from you!

First refusal is I believe something she invented since it doesn't seem to make any practical sense. What it means is: You commit to hypothetical Chopped, assuming this all works out, and you let us know before you take something else even though we are guaranteeing you nothing. Right of first refusal is actually a thing, but I'm pretty sure it means something a lot more logical. 

The email stressed me out for a number of reasons. 

1. I've been gone less than two weeks! How is POSSIBLE that we are having this conversation
2. August is both too soon and too far away for me to commit to. What if I'm offered something in July that goes for a while? What then? 
3. If I were to go back it would only be as a step higher, which I'm sure I would be, with a salary bump, and even then I was hoping to have at least one job in between to gain some leverage for salary and position when I go back
4. I'm not even sure I want to go back, because I want to diversify and try different things, and I'm not sure going back is the best move. I don't want to be pigeonholed in Food TV or Casting. I haven't explored nearly enough yet. This is my gut, but saying no to a job, especially one that's been theoretically good to you, is scary
5. How do you even go about saying no? Or saying I can't be sure right now? And you want an answer by Friday? 

The guilt I'm feeling about coming off as ungrateful seems a little unhealthy to me, but I think that's part of the weird relationship I have with my boss. I don't think it's true that I don't owe her anything because she gave me my first, like, four jobs and I'm extremely grateful for that. But that doesn't mean I owe her my life in servitude. I know this is obvious and doesn't even need your confirmation or agreement because it's ridiculous, but sometimes people grab hold of you I guess. This makes me think even more that going back right now (not ever, just right now) is not a good idea. I need to find my own footing. And something that I can see myself doing more longterm!

I love your blog! It's like more of Bowl because it's insight into your thoughts and whims on any given day. And I don't blame you for switching to wordpress. If I end up starting Snarky Girl, I plan to do the same. Are you using .com or .org?

I will have you any saturday you are willing to come!!! Or any day! Really! Tell me when!!! Miss you. Thanks for always making me feel better just by the simple idea that you are at the other end of the screen.