But for real this time

I would be fine with migrating to Wordpress if you'd like to do that. I'm not much of a betting person, but it seems like there's a pretty good chance imojen.wordpress.com would be available. Plus then we could have the fun of redesigning it.

Now that your test is done, we should discuss Spring Awakening. Rena said that since it's a "special audience" type show (AKA a deaf production), it probably won't sell well and will probably be up on TDF (special discount thing that she has membership to) once it opens. So I can ask her about that. I don't really know the details. Rosh Hashanah is September 13th-15. The following Tuesday night and Wednesday is Yom Kippur, then I'm going away to St. Louis until the following Wednesday (the 30th?) October 5th and 6th are the last two days of Sukkot. Then I'm good for a while. So yeah. Maybe we should go for my birthday lol. Any clue when your next test is?

I'm happy that you passed the test. Did you get a good enough grade that you feel comfortable with your group now- or rather like you don't have to prove yourself worthy of being there? I'm sure you did. I'm always so impressed by your study ethic. I mean seriously. You take it so seriously over a prolonged period of time. That is motivation I have never really displayed. (I mean I'm sure it's in me somewhere if it was something I really cared about, but I just haven't seen it thus far.)

I'm going through your last post in order, some I'm just getting to the point where you are talking about me. It meant a lot to read what you wrote. Honestly, it is just really nice to hear that people believe in me. Especially people like you, since I respect your thoughts and opinions and actually do feel like you know me well enough to say things like that. Sometimes I feel like people are telling me that I am smart and capable (and good at writing) without really having a basis for that. Also it was especially nice to hear about your takeaway from when we met up last, since I kind of left that night feeling annoying and well, pathetic is a really strong word, but just like I keep talking people in circles about these worries and anxieties and uncertainties that everyone else seems to be able to just get over. Or not get over, but at least keep moving in life in spite of them. I know there are a lot of people struggling with these same issues. And I know you're going to tell me something about the Defining Decade, but I sometimes think these things affect me more, and then I get down on myself for not being able to just suck it up and try out stupid nonsense marketing or whatever. I just get kind of miserable when I'm doing something meaningless, but (and this is totally NOT high-roading since I don't even actually think it's a good thing) other people seem to just be able to accept that work is work and it's going to suck sometimes and that's life, but you enjoy what you can and find something you like enough. And I get it and agree in theory and at this point I'm just rambling stream of conscious thoughts that don't actually have a focus or a message (Speaking of, I'd like to use my Get out of Grammar Jail Free card on this post...)

The point is: Thanks for caring. Thanks for thinking about it instead of just rolling your eyes. Thanks for believing in me.

I spent a few hours the other night looking through Fulbright programs, and it made me realize that it would be so great if there was something I could do that would prove to myself that I actually am as capable as people seem to think. The thing is that for all my feeling smarter than people in conversations or being able to out-logic people most of the time, it's never really translated into any kind of exceptional, demonstrable capability. And I'm not fishing, I'm just explaining why I question this assertion people sometimes make that I am smart or capable. Most of what I say is extrapolated from a book I read or a theory I formed based on TV shows, and it comes out sounding pretty true and reasonable, and for all I know it is, but to me it always kind of seems a little bit made up. Like I believe it when I give people advice or insights. I believe it to be true. But if you checked my sources, they would mostly just be my thoughts. Again, this ramble is going nowhere. Sorry if I'm falling into a self-pity hole here. Total accident. It's been a strange summer.

Speaking of, there's really no proper segue to this, but it's something that happened that I just haven't been able to fully process. So Eric's cousin? Funny-story-just-got-married-and-Rena-tried-to-set-me-up-with-his-friend-whom-she-met-at-the-wedding? (Did I tell you that? Didn't happen, doesn't matter) About a month ago, he was killed in a car accident. About a month ago, I probably would've gone into the fog of the first few days, how painful it is for his family, for his wife of two months, how absolutely ridiculous it is for someone our age to just die like that, not to mention my personal feelings, which really honestly took a waaay in the far back back seat to everything that was going on with the Gombos. Their family is SO close. Coby was the oldest of four brothers, two of whom have also moved to Israel, joining the army and following in his footsteps. All these people came forward afterward talking about how special he was. Not just in the way you would expect with any death. I mean seriously. He inspired people to change their lives. To follow their dreams. Actual, tangible people with tangible dreams, whose lives are different because of him. This one girl wrote and email to his father saying that she had been at the funeral, because she had met Coby at a bus stop five years ago and spent ten minutes talking to him. She said he changed her life, and followed his life on Facebook after that.

It's just. so. weird. The whole thing. Rena asked me to help do this Facebook post for this fund that they set up in his memory. It felt weird, like it wasn't my place. Also, in the wake of his death, I realized that he actually had me on limited profile. I have to laugh because this is such a silly insignificant thing, but it just feels like such a shame that I can never fix that, or tell him that I'm happy he's married and happy, or that I can't see what his friends and family were posting on his wall (I saw most of it anyway through his siblings walls). Again, it's just this weird thing- this bizarre byproduct of our generation. But as Rena was asking me all these questions about what shows up where on Facebook, I just kept thinking I couldn't actually see what was showing up for him because he had me on limited. But saying it out loud would lead to the innocent question: That's weird. Why would Coby have had you on limited profile? Which I honestly just didn't want to get into. Part of me always felt like at some point down the road, this little secret about us would come out, like "haha, btw, that happened. No big deal though." And we would laugh and people would be surprised I kept it a secret and it would be a joke. Now that thought feels like a closed door. And totally besides the point, I know, just like the limited profile, but these are the tiny little things that I've noticed this last month and they worked their way into my brain.

Anyway, my hands are starting to hurt (they've been worse the last couple of months, possibly because I am way off my diet and not getting any exercise). Yesterday, I handed in my papers to the Austrian Consulate. They'll send it to Vienna and then I guess I'll wait to hear what's next. Pretty exciting stuff. I'm just proud that I finally followed through on it. And I'm hoping she doesn't come back to me with some beaurocratic red tape. That would suck.

EDIT: BTW I was looking, and December through March is basically the worst time to go to Peru, particularly if you're doing the Inca Trail... :/

And finally

So glad you bowled! Ive honestly been meaning to bowl for a really long time now but by the time I get home its too late and I don’t have my laptop on the weekends and it just goes on like that. Perhaps we should try migrating this over to wordpress so I can access from work. That would really make the timings of me posting much faster…but we would lose the whole look/url thing so meh. Tradeoffs you know.

I agree that its crazy its been a month. Where does the time go. Where did this summer go. Questions I have no answer to.

Spring Awakening- yes to that. Broadway week tickets are out now so we could do that or use your mom’s code either way not that cheap. Just needs to be after Sept 2^nd. 

Speaking of Sept 2^nd that is when my test is. Did I tell you that I have to take these tests for work? Well if not I have to take 3 of them and the first one is scheduled for sept 2^nd. The material is not hard per se its just a lot of it. Pretty much a full finance major squeezed into a test. Ive been taking classes starting last week on Tuesdays and Thursday. Its ends next week so not too bad but still not really helping me freak out any less. In one way its nice that this is a test I am taking for work because people keep asking me when it is and give me tips and tell me what to study. On the other hand it’s the WORST that it’s a test for work because literally everyday people ask me what chapter im on and when my test is scheduled and have I taken any practice tests yet because I really should be scoring 90s on the practice tests if I want to make sure I pass the real one. If that sounds exhausting its because it is. Im trying to be grateful and not stress out too much because it is great that I even get to take this test. Honestly there are many out there who want to but they cant because their firm wont sponsor them. But it just feels like Im behind and I really need to pass so I can prove myself to my coworkers who don’t really know me and don’t know what to think about how smart I am. I don’t know maybe Im overreacting. On the days I don’t have class Ive been staying late at work to study so I can focus. The upside of this is that I get free dinner so Ive been eating a lot of sushi. And everytime I eat sushi I always think..its so much more fun to eat sushi with Jenna.

Other than that madness work is actually quite good. I don’t hate what Im doing so that’s a start and my manager is really great. I feel like once Im done studying and taking tests I can properly focus on what Im doing because now I feel constantly distracted by having to study. But still an improvement to what was before so good to know all my troubles the past year were not in vain.

So all of that should really answer your question on the fun things. I have been doing no fun things. Well that’s not entirely true, I spent a weekend in the city because my mom went to Ohio for my cousin’s graduation so that was fun.  The baby (and my sister) are staying with my mom for a week since Sri is away for a conference so I got to spend the weekend with her in my house which was like the best of both worlds. She’s doing fun things like cooing and latching onto her toes and smiling wisely now so that’s always nice to be around. Anytime you feel like seeing a picture let me know because I only have about a million of them.

I totally understand what you mean about Everything I never told you being a stressful book. It was heavy. But I really loved the way all the family tensions were woven in and just the irony of how much pressure they were putting on Lydia while thinking they were giving her everything they themselves never had. The crazy thing is that’s not even an entirely novel theme. I feel like parents pining their hopes and dreams on their kids is something that is known but the way it was captured in this book (especially with the element of culture involved) was just…great. A book that has given me anxiety is Dangerous Girls. If it sounds stupid and teenagey its because part of it is. But…its definitely worth a read. Be warned though it did really creep me out.

Whats weird is that even despite the studying Ive been maintaining good habits like going to the gym and reading and making my bed. Its almost like the discipline that studying requires is forcing discipline in other parts of my life. I just wish I could enjoy it.

Anyways, enough about me. I think part of the reason this post took so long for me to write is because after our last meeting/conversation I kept wanting to come up with a solution for you. I realize you don’t need me to solve anything but still I could understand your frustration all too well and it was one of those things where I was like there HAS to be something that can be done here. I think I still do feel that way a bit because I genuinely believe that action leads to more action. Like how theres all these studied on how making your bed in the morning lead you to be 20% more productive during the day. Ok fine so I made up the percentage but the study is real! Its like washing your sheets made you feel.

And I guess the reason why Im saying all this is because I know you have the potential to do what you set your mind to do (it’s the setting the mind that’s the hard part). Like youre completely right when you say I could have a successful blog or a job in publishing or tv because you CAN actually do those things and do it WELL. Like actually well. Maybe I am just so sure of your success that Im in a rush for you to get to it. I was never good at the whole patience thing. Ok so I rambled on a bit but I hope that made sense. 

Anyway Im guessing the birth certificate getting authenticated  has something to do with Austria so that’s exciting! I really want to have a trip at the end of this year. Nay I deserve to have a trip at the end of this year. Whats weird is that a lot of people on my social media have been going to Peru lately. Ofcourse that makes me want to go to Argentina or Bolivia instead ( well I still gotta do the machu pichu thing but aside from that). So hopefully that will work out. End of the year is always busier and faster (which seems insane at this point) but I will elect to stay positive.

A weird thing I have to confess is that Ive been writing this whole post in a british accent. Like when I say what Im writing out in my mind its been in a british accent. Im not sure why it just is.

So I cant get dinner tomorrow because I have class but we should definitely plan something after my first test. Im not sure what my schedule for the subsequent tests will be yet but I think I can have a little break somewhere in there.

Nothing and Everything

I've wanted to write in here for a while. I can't believe it's been over a month since my last post. That seems a bit crazy. This summer has gone by so fast. It freaks me out. Honestly, I felt like I had a lot to say and now I'm totally blanking.

Let's start with housekeeping- we should definitely look into Spring Awakening. Let me know what I need to do for that.

How are you? How's the new job going? Apartment still good? Honestly it feel like I just asked you these questions, but turns out, it was a month ago... What have you been busying yourself with these days? I mean other than work. Fun things. What fun things?

My mom has been in St. Louis since last Tuesday, so I've just been sort of hanging out. My project for this week was to watch the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, which I've been meaning to do for a while and which actually seemed like an attainable goal under the circumstances. I'm about half way done with the last one, which is saying a lot since it is 4 HOURS LONG, and the other two weren't much shorter than that. It's insane. Especially since the last one actually one the Best Picture Oscar I believe (too lazy to google that. might check later. Probably won't come back to correct it).

Also, I've been reading a bit. I finished Everything I Never Told You. It was really good and really very impressive in the way that the story snuck up on you. Like you were looking at all of these puzzle pieces that you didn't realize were there until they all start falling into this larger picture. I will say though, that it was a stressful book. It genuinely made me anxious reading all of the expectations and the pressure that they put on Lydia, thinking that they were making her life better and giving her freedom, and also reading about how the failures in communication just made everything worse.

Anyway, that gave me a week or so of heart palpitations. Fun stuff. Then I started reading The Martian, which I'd been wanting to read for a while. It's stressful in a different way, but also very clever and a lot of fun. I'm not done with it yet, but I do seriously recommend it. I think I might have it on Ebook even though I've been reading a real copy. Let me know if you're interested and I'll see if I can dig it up and send it to you.

Another thing I've done is watch some Community Channel videos. She is still funny. And I watched a British show on Netflix called Scrotal Recall, which is way more sweet and adorable than it sounds. Plus, right now I'm watching a somewhat underrated movie that I've seen three times except apparently (I'm now realizing) I've never seen the beginning. Weird. So yeah, you caught me. I've been doing very little. This summer, post-trip, has been rough for me, and honestly it's been hard finding the energy to do things. I'm pretty proud though, I washed my sheets today. It's amazing how much having fresh clean sheets or clothes or a floor can help clear up your mind. I need to clean my floor. Maybe tomorrow. Except I actually have plans tomorrow! I'm getting my birth certificate Authenticated, then meeting some friends for lunch. Not sure what my plan is after that but let me know if you're free and then if I'm still around maybe we can have dinner.

Here are some fun cartoons. Later. http://www.buzzfeed.com/h2/fbpt/andyneuenschwander/these-hilarious-harry-potter-comics-show-how-irresponsible-d?bffb=&utm_term=4ldqpgp#.nvZkZ488p

Bringebar Boller

Because it's fun to say, and I'm assuming you're saying it now too.

Ok let me get the elephant in the room out of the way first. Or at least, what I feel is the elephant in the room. (And I will also resist the urge to do a Seinfeld-esque segue about why we say elephant anyway?)

Yeah, I was a bit upset. But it wasn't all your fault. I've generally been down with regards to friends lately. I know I've mentioned to you that I was a little disappointed that Allison wasn't as present as I expected when I was living in the Heights. And I think I also might have mentioned to you that Amanda was totally absent the last few months too. (I didn't tell you that she texted the night before my trip to see if I was around because she was "trying to go out someplace but tbd location." - her birthday was a couple of days later...  - and when I said Sorry I'm leaving on my trip tomorrow night, she said- Where are you going?). Honestly, the point is not to really get into it all right now, but rather to explain that yeah, maybe I haven't been in the best of places and I had just gotten back from my trip, which was great (!) but also kind of symbolized the end of dreaming about the trip and the beginning of thinking long and hard about what I want and need to be doing in life. And with all of that and again, other little things that accumulate that are beside the point right now, when you canceled, I just felt like I didn't have the energy to try. So I just said OK, I just need a minute. It'll be fine. I'll get over it. But I just don't feel like it right now.

And I'm sorry, for disappearing and not dealing with it in the best way. Really, I do recognize that it was a terrible way of communicating. But I just... I don't know. Didn't feel like just letting it roll off my shoulders and didn't feel like putting the effort in to actually confront. I did actually mean to write this in bowl before the cruise, but time just got away from me with the family being here and packing last minute. I also acknowledge that you have obviously also had a bunch going on in your life that is stressful and time consuming, so I get why I'm not necessarily always your first priority and you need to focus on what's in front of you.

On to that then, so great that you found a new apartment that you like and are happy with and that everything worked out even though it didn't necessarily look like it would. I can't believe you moved all the way downtown. I am shocked, since I thought you were sticking around the UWS. And 2nd Avenue? Have you never heard my rant about 2nd Avenue??? No but seriously, it seems like an awesome location and I'm certainly happy that a. It has an elevator and b. I think it's around the corner from the F train? That's pretty sweet.

Also so happy to hear that you got a new job - Congrats!- and that you are happier in work. I hope that as you start doing more things you decide that they are things you enjoy doing. The certification thing is definitely a little scary, but at least you are learning whether it is something you really want before you take them, right? And in that case it makes the studying a little more worth it. Also- SOOO much luck for your test next week. I hope this post provides a pleasant break in between working and studying and stressing. I guess I should probably right pleasant things...

How is the baby by the way??

I plan to actually post my trip pictures at some point. I was really lazing around the last few weeks and my photoshop isn't working and the whole thing seems a bit overwhelming- not sure why. But the trip was really great. The program part in Germany was really fun and interesting. We had all these panels where we met journalists, politicians, academics, and religious leaders etc. to talk about modern Jewish life in Germany and all kinds of things. It was a really cool way to learn about a country and I made some friends that I might actually keep in touch with. Afterward was cool too. I didn't have everything planned like where to stay etc., so that was a little stressful, and my shabbat plans for the weekend after the trip got canceled last minute, but honestly the problem solving felt a little nice. Like that's the whole point in a lot of ways.

I liked having the freedom to change my mind about things on a whim and just walk around and do what I want. It was lonely sometimes, and sometimes I'd have a down day and just feel like I was doing it wrong. And sometimes, like on our trip, I just was crippled by having to make decisions. But overall it felt good and freeing, and like I didn't have to answer to anything. And that I could cope with rain and cancelled plans and sharing a room with 5 boys and finding out how to get where I'm going even though the people in Linz did not speak English. But I think those are the things that stand out as memories the most. Like not knowing where we were going in Flam. Like having to actually translate for a German lady in a bakery in Stockholm. (WTF?) Like getting back to my luggage locker to find that it had malfunctioned and been open the whole time I was gone and nearly crying on the floor when I found that nothing was missing.

The cruise was actually pretty nice too. It was hard being in such close quarters with my dad, but my sister and mom got along pretty well, so it was actually fun. I do love cruises. It's nice to just relax, although I did get antsy at times when there wasn't much to do. We got a bit less time than I would have liked in Puerto Rico since it was Friday and shabbat there started at 6:46 and we didn't get there until after 3. But I still convinced them just to walk around with me (They wanted to find a beach or a pool. Seriously. 3 hours in a place you've never been?) Then Saturday we were in St. Thomas. We all got off the ship except my dad- It's not strictly speaking ok with the rules of Shabbat, but I'm pretty convinced that he just didn't want to go at all...

In any case we walked around the port where there are all these weird diamond shops- seriously in every port- and then started walking toward the real town even though taxi drivers were harassing us Taxi? Taxi? Taxi? One even sort of jokingly yelled at Max because we are there to stimulate their economy by spending money. It was a good point, but really not worth explaining the concept of Shabbos. Anyway, we walked for what seemed to me like 5 minutes, but they said longer and I think it's because I'm used to long walks being a "normal" distance in cities after my trip. Sabrina kept making comments about how we don't now if it's a safe area or where we're going or blah blah blah even though we had a map and it was a main road. She was freaking out though and my mom was like "We don't even know if there's anything to do when we get there."

Seriously, what does that mean? Something to do? Like this IS the something that you do. You walk around and sightsee. I'm glad Max was there to back me up, because otherwise I would have turned back with them, and what ended up happening was that Sabrina and my mom took Hannah back and Max and I walked into the town and around. It was gorgeous out and we walked along the water and got to see the synagogue there. The next day we went to a gorgeous beach on Grand Turk, where there was really not much else going on except a LOT of donkeys. It was really nice and I missed having unlimited soft serve and dinner decided for me every night.

I'm tired so I'll go now and give you more next time, but let me know when you want to hang out. Until then Good Luck!!!

Better late than never I hope

So I know I initially promised you last weekend which is retrospect was a stupid thing to promise because I knew I was going away for the weekend and wouldn't have my computer with me but alas a promise was broken and I am deeply ashamed. I definitely want to apologize for that and for being an absent/flaky/distracted/bad friend as of late. I really do feel bad for cancelling on you so last minute but I really could not handle plans that day and I saw via snap that you found someone else to accompany you so hopefully that worked out ok. I also see via snap now that you are on a lovely cruise so I hope you are enjoying that as well.

Now on to life updates...there is a lot so I will make a list:

1. Work. I'm not sure if I told you but I got a new job within Barclays. One of the people who I had interviewed with for a job in september (that I did not get and was pretty upset about) reached out to me saying that he had an opening in his time and would I be interested, etc. so that was awesome. I interviewed/ went through anxiety/ got it and started about 3 weeks ago (wow I cant believe its already been that long). Its still in the same company but aside from that it feels very different than before. For now I dont hate what Im doing so thats a good start. Im not really doing real things yet but I am learning a lot and working with really smart people so I am grateful for that. The meh news is I have to study for and get these 3 licenses for the job so that has to happen some point in the near future. It takes about a month to study for each (maybe more) so we will see how it goes. At first when I heard this I (ofcourse) freaked out since Im still doing GMAT studying but not really any way out of this situation so I will just have to face my reality.

Speaking of GMAT I scheduled my second attempt (July 23) which is fast approaching so Im trying to just give it my all now because after that I really have to start studying for my other tests. When did I start being in school again. Hopefully at the end of this year when I have passed all my tests I can take an amazing vacation and reflect on my successful crazy year. Until then though I will have to put myself on lockdown (so nothing new as far as 2015 is concerned).

2. Moving. So initially the 3 of us (me + my 2 roommates) had started looking for a new apartment early June.  I had severely underestimated the stress and effort required to find a good apartment in NYC so I was pretty much clueless at this point in time. My roommates weren't really being that helpful because one of them was always at work and the other one kept insisting we find a no fee apartment (pretty much impossible if you are looking for a place in June) but did not make the effort to find said apartments herself. Either way we still looked at a few places with nothing really good coming out of it. Then a week and half into June my one roommate (the one who was insisting on the no fee- Pras) said she was no longer going to live with us because she wanted to move in with her bf. Ugh. After about 2 minutes of being annoyed me and Kathy were extremely relieved. The fun continued. Now with about 2 and a half weeks to go Kathy and I started apt hunting with brokers who were a whole new kind of fun (sarcasm). Luckily this was my last week in my old role so I was able to leave work in the middle of the day to go look at apartments. Otherwise I dont even know how we would have seen places. I saw a 2 places I liked both of which were taken before we could put an application in. Upon hearing this Kathy freaked out and submitted an application for a 6th floor walk up. Thankfully we were outbid (I didnt even know that was a thing before this whole process). She also submitted an application for a railroad style apt for which we again were outbid (the housing market is legit insane). FINALLY I found our current apartment on the day before I started my new job. We signed the lease a couple of days later.

As if all that wasn't fun enough moving was a whole new adventure. Initially we thought we had to be out of our old place by the 30th so we booked movers for that day and confirmed with the lady in the rental office that we would be able to move into our current place by then. She said that would be no problem and we could pick up the keys from the super. On the day of the 30th my roomate (who had taken off work) calls the super and he tells us there is no way we can move in that day since the previous tenants haven't moved out yet. What. We called the housing lady and ofcourse she was like oh really...I guess you cant move in then. You can move in anytime tomm. It was a small miracle that our movers let us reschedule the move for the next day ( every other movers we called were booked for a week).

Thankfully after all this craziness we have finally moved in to our apt. Its 1st street, 2nd ave so on the border of east vill. The best part is that there is a small 3 person fitting elevator. It feels like a luxury.

So thats pretty much me. Im sure you update will be a lot more fun and exciting judging by your trip pictures. All of them really looked amazing and I loved seeing them/living vicariously through them. I am aiming to take small hiatus from studying after my gmat date before I start the other tests so it would be great if I can see you during that time! Or maybe even the day before my test like I did last time! No insomnia cookies here but I think we will be able to find something to eat :)

It feels good to bowl

Wow that most definitely deserved a bowl post so Im glad it got one. That's a lot of crazy things to happen at once so first let me say that I know youre probably feeling overwhelmed but I really do think everything happens for a reason so hang in there. It will all make sense at some point.

Now on to the actual things. The bed bugs thing doesn't surprise me as a general issue since bedbugs are a problem many people face in the city. I think my roommates actually had them the year before I moved in and had to get the place exterminated so yea it happens. It is a funky coincidence that it would happen during your sublet forcing you to move back home but in a way it did seem like all signs were pointing to you not being in the heights. I dont think it was a mistake per se...more like a trial run for something that is to come.  I definitely do believe in signs and this does seem like a big one but I would say don't let it discourage you because to me it seems like a positive sign. I dont know why but for some reason it seemed like you were settling with the heights and thats not what you deserve. I think when you do move out its going to be an awesome thing which you will be very excited about and something that is going to end up being a very positive thing in your life.

I do think to a certain extent not being home will always feel weird. Its been almost a year for me and it still feels weird. It feels like I belong at home and Im just pretending to live in the city. I know though that I was meant to move out at the time I did and that while there will always be growing pains ultimately I made the right choice for me. But that doesnt make it any easier to come back from home after the weekend is over.. ( I like how Im telling you this as Im supposed to be making you feel better about being back at home but what can I say in a weird way Im jealous).

I do completely understand about the trip having snuck up on you though. As much as I love traveling and seeing new places I feel like trips ALWAYS sneak up on me. Before you know it youre scrambling to pack and plan things last minute and wondering why you would ever want to leave home but ultimately that also adds to the awe of being in a new place and thinking hey I actually did this.

I hope thats how it is for this weekend ( Im going to Arizona did I tell you?). I originally just asked Ela on a whim because I wanted to go to Zion and it somehow ended up working out with dates so I booked it but now im feeling really meh about it partially because originally I thought I would be planning a lot of it but now her friends are also coming and as they all know each other it seems like their trip with me just tagging along. Also my sister is coming to NJ this weekend (baby's first trip out of state!) and Im sad to be missing that even thought I know I just saw her like 2 weeks ago but still. I know all this is just me being stressed out for no reason Im sure I will go and have a great time but still cant help but feel meh at this point. So yea I really get what you are saying about not having everything booked and planned but as you said that is part of the adventure. You can be like those girls who laughed at us in the airport before going to Norway...

The whole thing about Coby is incredibly bizarre. I dont even really know what to say about it except that its incredibly bizarre but yes I completely get why you would be bursting during that conversation.

Other than what I mentioned before Im doing alright. Its weird because just like you a year ago I was in such a different place and now Ive taken my GMATs once and work in a different team at work and live in the city. And yet sometimes I feel just as stuck and just as anxious that life is just passing me by. Maybe this weekend will help get rid of some of that. Or maybe this is just what being in your 20s feels like.

Also if Shavuot is this weekend then I will be away but if you meant next weekend then I will be around. Otherwise Im also free for dinner next week ( I leave on thursday this week so I should really pack tommorrow).

Life Updates and Other Unimaginative Titles

Hellllloooo there, 

So last week, one of my roommates found bed bugs in her room.  Fun stuff. I found out last Monday when roommate #2 forwarded me the email that confirmed that Roommate #1 had bed bugs. Then neither of them answered my calls for about an hour. I'd been at home since Saturday night for Mother's Day, so I just went home again Monday night while I processed. In the morning, my mom dropped me off at the apartment to clean. I did laundry, brought stuff to the dry cleaners and the Laundromat, stripped my bed, threw everything in my closet in the dryer, and bagged every single thing in my room. I know that it doesn't seem like I should have a lot of stuff there, but as it happens. It took me about 5 hours to do everything. And I didn't even do everything! I got to work at 1pm. Luckily, my team covered from me, and no one seems to notice when I'm missing at this place. 

To make a long story shorter, the people come to do the treatment 3 consecutive weeks. They came last Wednesday and only found anything in Roommate #1's room. I also have felt nothing, no bites, no itching, not even the paranoid psychological kind. We brought everything home on Sunday, and it's all bagged in my garage. Rebecca, from whom I am subletting, said the girls are going to try and get out of the lease early, leaving me off the hook for July and she's going to split June with me. So that's a relief money-wise. And that's the end of that I suppose. I'm going to need to take things out of the bag, but we're waiting to make sure my room turns up clean again this Wednesday, though I'm pretty confident it will. It's mainly for my Mom's peace of mind. I'm of the belief that there's nothing on any of my stuff and this whole week has been nothing but the annoyance of precautions on top of precautions. But, on the off chance I'm wrong, I want to make sure I'm doing everything her way because as bad as it was to bag my room, the though of what I'd do if it got into the house is really just plain terrifying and overwhelming to think about. As far as we know though, everything's clean. All my clothing has been laundered. My jackets, my purse, all dried on high heat. And now I'm back living at home again. 

The whole thing has just made me feel slightly defeated like there's nothing I can do right, but truthfully it is a mixed blessing because it means I don't have to worry about "getting my money's worth anymore." Especially since my mom booked a cruise for July 7th. So I leave next Tuesday night, get home June 18th, then leave again July 7th. No complaints here...

Still, it's hard to not see it as a sign. The problem is- a sign of what? That I shouldn't be living in the Heights? That it wasn't the right time? That there's a reason I need to be home? That I shouldn't be in NY at all? Or was it all just a serious case of bad timing upon bad timing? It's really difficult to not think about it in those terms. Especially since these events seems to really strongly center around my living plans. Last year at almost exactly this time, I was super serious about London, and my mom had to have radiation for cancer and Midnight died. This time around, Mischief died, I moved out anyway, and then come the bedbugs, literally- literally- forcing me back home.  

I won't say this is the worst part about all this, but my trip has kind of snuck up on me, and I don't have as much done as I would like. I realized this last week before the whole thing starts (Crazy sidenote- the apartment I booked in Innsbruck is Lia's old apartment... WHAAA???), but then all of my spare time and brainspace has been dedicated to sorting it all out. I guess it'll all be worth it when I get on that plane. And maybe I'll need to wing it a little more like all the bloggers do. Maybe it means not having everything booked and planned. Maybe that's not the worst thing. Plus, my travel books are in the stupid bags!!! I mean come on. 

Then something else happened today that made me just want to floor and laugh forever. Remember Coby? Eric's cousin. You'll recall, surely. Anyway, he just got married on Thursday (I'm not even going to go there)... Rena got home from Israel yesterday and today she texted me to call her so she could ask me a question. I thought it might be work related- that thing I keep posting about Mike's Bistro - not important if you haven't seen it- so I gave her a call. First of all, she used it to do like a whole long catch-up, which is like "I have a job!!" But anyway she was calling because she met one of Coby's friends while she was there and wants to set me up with him. She met a friend of Coby. At Coby's wedding. And wants to set me up with him. Which isn't sooooo weird on it's own if you don't let it be, but she also asked Coby his opinion on the whole thing. She aslo didn't get his information, so when I said I'd consider it when I get home, she said she'd get in touch with Coby to get his number. Oy. Anyway there are just like about 3 people who will understand why I was bursting during this conversation. 

Hope you're doing well. Let me know if you want to meet up at some point before I leave (Basically wednesday or thursday I guess- Sunday and Monday are Shavuot) Oh! Did you want to come over for Shavuot? We can work that out if you like, maybe Sunday or Saturday night, though I know you don't like driving at night. Let me know. I'm like 95% sure there are no bed bugs. 

Brace yourself for the Double Bowl

 I know you have a thing about double posts, but it seems more like your own thing as opposed to something you'd object to me doing.

Right now, what is consuming the internet is this crazy dress thing, which if you haven't heard about, you will at some point tomorrow. Honestly, I have to say this whole thing is one of my favorite things about the internet. I mean when you say "Everyone is going crazy!," you usually mean all of your co-workers, all of your friends, all of your family... but this is actually EVERYONE going crazy. And it is actually driving people (myself included) INSANE. It honestly kind of reminds me of my infant and child development class because we learned about how babies are unable to understand that other people see things from different perspectives. So it they are looking at a white side of the ball, it would never be comprehensible to them that the other side is actually black. Guess we don't actually develop that much after all

Although, I think this is actually different because it's more about trusting what we see SOOOO much that we can't understand the concept that it's being clouded by perspective, which it undoubtedly is. And while I did read an explanation that was about who has better rods or cones, the explanations that made more sense to me had more to do with the perspective. And honestly that satisfied me more because, for the record, the whole time I've been neither team #blackandblue nor team #whiteandgold I've actually been seeing light blue and goldish/greenish brown. Which really confused me until I saw the Adobe Color breakdown: https://twitter.com/Adobe/status/571123202568491010/photo/1  --- This made me feel a lot better because it didn't mean there was anything with my rods and cones (Don't know why that bothered me so much), but in fact because my brain wasn't filling in any information at all. My sister, for example, said that when she came back to the photo after two hours it had gone from white and gold to blue and black. It never changed for me because I was seeing the colors in front of me. And obviously, I'm not untouched by the perception, and maybe it's becuase I have experience with photoshop and colors and stuff? I should send it to my grandfather. He was actually a paint chemist. #funfact

Anywhoooo, the main reason I wanted to post before you came here was because I have cute photos that I wouldn't be able to show you on Saturday (unless you plan on staying until after shabbos?) By the way, we should talk about how you are getting to my house, so I can help you with the public transportation if need be.

So this past Sunday was my grandfather 90th birthday party. It's not nearly as extravagant as what you guys did, but it was really nice. We had it during the day at a restaurant we really enjoy and that gave us a ton of food. They're just really nice there, basically. Sabrina and Max and Hannah came in and my cousin was there- the one I like. My mom's brother agreed to co-sponsor even though he is traditionally a jerk (not to completely undo his reputation, he did bitch about the food, which everyone else loved) The nice thing was that for the most part, people showed up. I don't know why this surprises me. I mean maybe it was because I thought the majority of people we were inviting were his friends from his support group (who were lovely and normal - as in not so "old people"-y, sorry...) and I wasn't thinking about the family that might be coming. Or maybe it's because my family is generally known for their apathy/not great relationship with my grandfather. Or maybe I just didn't have enough faith that people would see this as the big deal life event that I did. 90 is a BIG DEAL people. And yeah, I did feel a little bad not making a personalized centerpiece or a multimedia presentation, but the truth is that my grandfather is just not that type of guy. And though I'm sure he would have found that very nice, he really was so touched and had so much fun as it was that I don't think it was even completely necessary.

We even got a really nice thank you note from one of his friends. I mean. Adorable.

Oh right, pictures...

Thank you fancy camera! Hannah, by the way, is as funny as- if not funnier than- ever. I thought of you the other day as we were on our way home from the mall. Hannahbear is always chewing on her Teddy for some reason. On the way home, my mom goes "Hannah, what flavor is Teddy? Is she chocolate? Is she vanilla? Is she strawberry?" To which Hannah replied. "No, he's not a cupcake." And then when pressed continued. "He's a teddy bear."

I died laughing obviously but also because it remind me of "It's a lamp." Classic. 

Because the purpose of this Bowl was basically the media portion, here are some more photos and a video.

My Grandfather with the yummy cake we got him from a kosher bakery called Zaidie's that you've probably heard me mention. It's the best bakery ever. Paul and his family were nice enough to pick it up for us- Paul is the son of my Grandfather's wife Lorraine, who died a few years ago, but he's still very good to my grandfather, which is  just the nicest thing. Also to the left of my grandfather here is the infamous Rita, his current lady friend or whatever.

Some of the food. I know meat is not appealing to you, but this pic is from my phone and it just came out so nicely. Plus, it's a middle eastern-y place and I thought you'd appreciate that/the colors

Here's a picture of Hannah trying to put on her "Mermaid's Tail"

I basically fell asleep on the floor leaning on the couch and Hannah, completely out of character, jumped on me (not the out of character part) and then snuggled up to me. She then fell asleep while I rubbed her and eventually I ended up having to shimmy out from under her. I think Sabrina actually posted a picture of both of us when I was asleep

Moving on.... For my mom's birthday, we got her a French Pastry class and she did it last week! I was just happy to give her something fun to do on her own, and she enjoyed it- which was good because they screwed up the oven and the choux pastries didn't come out so great, buuut the palmiers were amazing and we might still have some of those if you remind me when you come. And if you like that sort of thing. And if they are still good. 

I think that's all for now. Excited to see you this weekend! Just for funsies, here is a video of Hannah singing a song about Gummy Bears that she found on Youtube and then getting distracted by a shopping bag. I hope it works. And here is the original song, in case you want something stuck in your head. It's actually very catchy...https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=astISOttCQ0

HAPPY (belated) BIRTHDAY!

I really wanted you to get a special birthday post. But, on your birthday, I was at work until midnight. No joke. My boss paid for an Uber home for me though, which was a nice perk. Foregoing that, I really wanted you to have a birthday weekend post, but somehow last Sunday got away from me between a funeral for someone in the neighborhood's father and the Superbowl party at Jen and Eric's in Fairlawn. After that, it was pretty much a foregone conclusion that it would wait until this weekend. And even so, I almost forgot.

So Happy Birthday!!! This will be my last week at this job, so I can go back to posting more frequently until the next one come along. I want to hear about your birthday! Did you guys go to dinner? Did Elphaba sing you happy birthday? (That's not a thing, don't worry.) Have there been any other celebrations? When does you GMAT class start?

I wish I kept a list on my phone of things I think about throughout the day that I always want to put in the next bowl. I really should start doing that. Here's one of the things I remember:

One of my recent epiphanies was the following: I think (and talk) a lot about how I don't know what I want. And it's true. And it's frustrating. I don't have a specific life goal in mind. I don't have a specific career goal in mind. I don't know where I want to live, or what I want to be doing. Ugh, even typing it is making me a little sick, to be honest. Where are you going with this, Jenna? Oh right the epiphany. Instead of worrying about not knowing what I want, instead of freaking out that I don't have a plan or a goal to work toward and that I'm confused about almost everything, I should really make it a point to do the things I actually DO want to do. It seems pretty simple, but it kind of hit me like a ton of bricks. Like holy crap, why do you spend so much time obsessing over why you don't know what you want and trying to figure it out? There are things, small and big, that you DO want to do: Travel, live abroad, go to a quiz night at a bar, see my friends once in a while, learn a language, figure out how to pay taxes. Do those! At least then you're moving in a direction. Trying to figure out what I want can be paralyzing, and maybe it has been all this time. It should be noted that this epiphany has not stopped my anxiety or worrying, but I do still feel strongly about it and felt it was worth sharing.

Another thing I remember from a while ago wanting to post about is something one of our applicants said in her home video. It was a weird home video: I mean, these girls get instructions with questions that we want them to answer, and some put a little style on it or do different questions or just talk about themselves. This one was like a perfume commercial. It was like, footage of her as a silhouette getting out of bed and cooking and stuff with a really low energy, bizarre voiceover over it. But I did watch through it a bit, and I did take something away from it. She said something that rang very true to me and it was this: I'm afraid of being a success at something I don't like. It felt like a familiar feeling that no one had put into word before. Because yeah, being a success at something is never a bad thing- it's not something you can complain about right? Except that if it's not what you want to be doing, even if you don't know what that is, then being good at it just makes it harder to leave or to change paths. And being good at it means people will say "Really? You don't like it? But you're good at it?" And it turns out, that is just as valid an emotion as being afraid of never finding out what you DO want to do. Even if I can't figure out where to go, I know that I'm not super happy with where I am currently. So instead of thinking that if I find the right fit, I'll decide that I actually do think reality casting is my life calling, I need to shake things up.

God, even reading that sentence over I feel ridiculous. What do I think the right fit will be that will make me think reality casting is my calling? Seriously? What the hell am I doing? I mean it's all well and good to keep doing what comes along while I figure it out, but do I really feel that way? Do I think that if I'm casting for a History Channel series, or a quiz show, or American Idol I'll feel differently about this? Wow. Brand new epiphany.

Anyway, lately I've been thinking I need to try and get back into a talk show format. Ideally a comedy style one, like the Daily Show. Obviously- WAY easier said than done, but it is a development nonetheless.

Another development is that one of Allison's friends in Washington Heights is getting married in late March and looking to sublet. It's $870 for what I'm told is a pretty large room in the Fort Washington area (a nicer, more hipster-y area in the Heights) with "non-cliche Heights people as roommates" - meaning, not the more religiousy "Jewish bubble" types. So that's nice. The girl is really flexible about when I want to move in, so I can wait until after Pesach if I want, and she'll leave her furniture if I want, and there's a possibility to extend when the sublet ends in July. Soooo even though I don't feel ready, this one kinda seems like it's being handed to me on a silver platter. And I think having Allison nearby will be good for me because she'll encourage me to get out there and do things. You'd appreciate her tough love approach. So anyway, I told the girl I want to come look at the apartment.

Thoughts on your post:
- I agree that unexpected and spontaneous things end up being the most fun. I'm glad me stopping by was that for you! It was for me too, and sleeping until 7:45 was about the greatest way to start a Friday, too. And I was still the first one in the office? Is this how people who live close to things feel all the time???

- I'm glad you enjoyed your snowday. I really enjoyed, again, sleeping late, but I somehow managed to work 12 hours anyway. I might have mentioned, but he's a bit of a Jekyl and Hyde, and Hyde was appearing much more that week because it was our final pitch and we didn't have the numbers. I think it all worked out, but he gets in these moods where he yells at you for not doing something you never discussed, and then he forgets what you said instantly. I still thought I liked him when it came down to it until this past Monday. It was snowing, and I knew the commute home would be a nightmare. He'd left for a meeting at 5, so I thought leaving at 6:30 (On time) wouldn't be a problem. He sent an email at 6 saying, Hey, can I call you at 6:30? I sent back, sure no problem, but I was going to try and get out of here on time because of the snow. I know the trains are already a mess. He calls at 6:30, yells at me for not doing being on top of the paperwork that I'd been asking about all day and he'd been telling me to prioritize last because he could do it, and then told me to send out a grid that I'd never seen and didn't know what to do with. Then, as I'm scrambling, annoyed and anxious to figure out what he's talking about, get it done, and get the hell out of there. He replies to my email (even though he just spoke to me) and says "I'm all for getting out on time, but you were 45 minutes late this morning (By the way- because it was pouring, there was an inch of unshoveled SLUSH to walk through and the bus took, literally, twice the normal amount of time) and you left us hanging for that document on Friday. Okay, so first of all, no I didn't. I checked in with you five times on Friday, constantly telling you how much time I had before I had to leave, and asking you the best way I should use that time and you specifically told me to do other things before that document. Second of all, you knew when you hired me that I leave early on Fridays. Don't hold that against me. And seriously, 45 minutes? You still want me in at 9, half hour earlier than everyone else, to make up the time I miss on Fridays, but you give me no credit for staying until 8 most days and some days until 11 and 12? And Third of all, you send this all to me NOW in a passive aggressive email when I'm really just trying to get home- something I don't think is unreasonable? So yeah, I'm not so sure I'd like to work for him again after that. The next, morning he sent an email that I should switch desks with the casting editor who works IN HIS OFFICE and I had to move out of the desk I've been at for six weeks, out of the office with my coworkers who can commiserate with me, and into a smaller desk in his office, where he yelled at me for most of that morning. He got a bit better after that, and I think Thursday and Friday were completely free of yelling, but still. Kind of ready to be done this Friday. Turns out that had nothing to do with your post.

- Elite chocolate is delicious. Have you ever had their Pop Rock chocolate? It's crazy. And Amazing. Check it out.

- I think you're right. I should frame "These are not permanent decisions" Maybe I could do a fun DIY thing with it and make it look cool.

- You should try studying in the library. I mean the NY Public Library. The big one, by Bryant Park. It's not so far from your office. It's strange though that you say Rutgers had so many places, because I wrote this article once about the overcrowding affecting study spaces. It stands out to me because it was one of my favorite pieces of writing from college. My professor singled it out in class, and then someone from a related college journalism website came to talk to us and singled it out too. It's one of my little moments of pride from college, and in less confident times, one of those things I point to as a strike of lightening that I have trouble replicating, which is why I can't be a writer.

- I'm overthinking the blogging thinking, I have been for years, and I know it. But I think part of the problem is thinking that if I'm going to do it- I should do it all the way. Meaning buy hosting, and really start off with all of the lessons bloggers say they wish they would have started with. Most likely that's a good idea, but also, most likely, it would be a better idea to not overthink it and not put pressure on it if I'd rather just see how it goes. More on that another time I suppose.

-OH NO! I'm so sorry I didn't register that you wanted to come this Shabbos. JENNA! PAY ATTENTION! PLEASE pick another shabbos (that isn't the 21st)

-In the meantime, SACRED CHOW THIS THURSDAY! Woot!

Okay, it's pretty late now, so I'm going to head to bed. Talk to you soon!

These are not permanent decisions Jenna

Happy Snow Day!

You're right I also feel we have been talking more frequently so I also did not know it had been a month but I was happy to find a bowl waiting for me! It was also such a nice surprise having you stay over last week. When I was in LA my friend and I were talking about our idea of a perfect day and we both agreed that it would have to be a day where amazing things happened unexpectedly. Like a friend you weren't expecting dropping by or a sudden snow day. One of the days I still remember being a perfect day was that sudden snow day we had our sophomore year at Rutgers. I just remember I had no hw because I did all of it the night before and all classes were cancelled and we played in the snow and went sledding on brower trays.

Today was a pretty good snow day as well. My whole team worked from home so it was pretty relaxed. Its funny that we got nowhere near as much snow as we were expecting and yet everyone was like still nope no takebacks we are still going to treat this like a snow day regardless.
I stopped being in the mood to pretend to work at like 4 so I went to take a walk in Central Park and it was just so nice to see everyone enjoying the snow and dogs wearing little shoes and kids making snow angels. It was like a scene from Arthur or something.

Side note Im eating this kosher chocolate right now called Elite and its really really good.

Ok now on to you. I will say a convenient location is incredibly underrated and its also one of those things you start taking for granted within like an hour. However I do also understand your feelings about money. I would say if you are in a good place with your savings and are making a regular paycheck which you feel can subsidize the cost of your rent then choose location. However if you do still want to save more then choose money because you're right you did make it in New Brunswick and its not like you would be coming home late every single night.

I really think the "These are not permanent decisions Jenna!" needs to be like framed somewhere where you can see it at all times of the day. Like seriously, putting down a list of the things you want to do on a website is pretty much the further thing away from a binding contract that would obligate you to do those things. Maybe not the furthest thing. Just saying it out loud would probably be even further but you get my point.  I will send you my list by the way its on my work computer.

I'm glad you feel relieved about Peru because I would have felt terrible if you did not. Also one of the main reasons I was ok telling you it wasnt the right time is because I knew it wasnt the right time for you too. So it made me feel not as selfish. I mean you are right that if we did go through with it we wouldve had an amazing time but then maybe you wouldnt have Purim at home or another job lined up and maybe I wouldnt do as well on my GMATs, etc. The opportunity cost of going just seemed to high. I do want to emphasize though that I still definitely want to go, just not right now. So maybe after youre doing traversing the continent of Europe we can talk about it again. I'm also really glad that Europe feels so right for you. I know what it feels like to have a strong feeling about something and have it work out and Im glad you are having that experience. 

I think Im in less of a panic mode now. Maybe because I finally have some semblance of a plan for the future. Now I just need to actually start studying. My apartment is really not a great environment for this. I think I took for granted how many great places there were to study around Rutgers because all of a sudden it seems like I have NOWHERE to go to study. I think Ill just start going into work early but considering I am really not a fan of that place this idea does not thrill me. But hey if I get a stellar score then it will all be worth it in the end. Also I do think studying for this thing won't be so bad mainly because I always liked doing math and I kind of miss it since I dont get to do anything like it at work. Also because I get to focus on something non-financey which is also nice. So as an answer to your question-- yes I do feel much better about having decided to take GMAT classes. I don't quite know what it was but I just knew it had to be now that I did this. I haven't had this strong of a gut feeling about anything in the past year so thats good at least.

Now on to blogging. I think you kind of hit the nail on the head when you said, I could do it if I wanted. Yes you most definitely could but I think thats exactly what sets successful bloggers apart. Because while many COULD do it, they are the one who actually DO it. I mean yes it would be a lot of work with a full time job, and most definitely would take dedication and a huge time commitment but hey if its something you are passionate about and want to see happen then those things won't seem like such a big deal after a while. I also think it would be a gradual process where its not like it would be a big part of your life from day 1, but would be something that slowly became a big part of your life. And maybe at that point even if you did get sick of following social media you would be able to keep it in context with all the positive things your blogging did for you.

I agree with your remark that starting a new career at the bottom two years from now does not sound fun. But ultimately if we are working for 40-50 years of our life, a measly 2 years is nothing! Its a glitch at best. And if those two years in between helped you reach your end goal then I hardly think they are a waste. I know I might sound a little hippy with my life is a journey shpeal but hey its true. Life IS a journey. Nothing is permanent. Theres no such thing as settling down. And mistakes are just nessecary bumps in the road which helps you get further along than you realize.

I would be down for starting a blog together. I agree that having another person makes it more fun and keeps you more accountable and I definitely did say I wanted to write more so I will not turn down an opportunity to do so.

I don't think blogging takes away from your ability to enjoy and live in the moment. I think its similar to taking photos. Something when Im taking pictures I wonder if im not living in the moment by doing so but ultimately I think you need a moment where you are able to soak in your surroundings and the moment that you are in and then you take the photo so that you can remenisce and relive that moment. I think blogging is much the same where you not only get to live in the moment but also relive it.

So for birthday shabbos Im thinking maybe next weekend (Feb 7)? Weather depending ofcourse. The next couple weekends after that I have family stuff going on due to my sisters impending baby shower (do you like how I say it as if its impending doom or something? Im actually quite excited I have to think of decorations). But if feb 7 doesnt work then we can figure something out. As for Sacred Chow I am pretty much free most weekdays except Monday. I would propose a wednesday so let me know if that works for you. We really need to use that before it expires because I have a terrible habit of buying groupons and then letting them expire.

I think thats pretty much the whole story there.